


Letting love in

by Meggs13



Category: 2NE1, Big Bang (Band), SHINee, Super Junior, Winner (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, Family Issues, Fear of loss, Fluff and Angst, Grieving, Hallucinations, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Moving On, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Rape Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Soulmates, Trust Issues, Unrequited Love, abuse recovery, hardcore angst, intimacy issues, patient seunghyun, touching issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-10 21:29:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 58,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meggs13/pseuds/Meggs13
Summary: Accepting love is a hard thing for Jiyong to do... Except when one day he meets Seunghyun, a confident, cocky and very humorous boy. Something clicks inside of Jiyong making him feel things he never thought he would... but will he push Seunghyun away like everyone else... Or will he finally let love in?





	1. waking up

Ri, come on wake up, we have to move... Dad will wake up soon" I cried attempting to pick up the limp body of the boy on the ground in front of me, but he was too heavy for me to lift on my own. "Seungri, please" I pleaded trying to pull the boy up, but he still wouldn't move. 

After a few more attempts to drag the abnormally pale boy off the ground, my body finally gave up and I collapsed to the floor next to him "ok Ri, just sleep for now... I'll keep you safe while you sleep" I picked the small boy up in my arms and cradled him to my chest, rocking us back and forth "I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promised that I would always take care of you"

I started to sing, Ri always told me that he liked my singing. Loud pounding came from outside the door and I tensed holding Ri tighter to my chest "it's fine Ri, he won't hurt you, I won't let him"  
Loud booming footsteps where heard outside the door and more pounding echoed through the tiny dark room.

"I've got the father, go find the kids" I heard an unfamiliar voice yell.

I rocked back and forth harder "it'll be over soon Ri, they'll leave us alone and we'll be safe"

"I think they're in here, but the doors locked" a man calls, and the door starts to shriek and shutter as something heavy slams into it.

A sob brakes through my lips "Ri, please get up, we have to run" but the lifeless boy in my arms remained silent.

Suddenly the door burst open sending wood splinters flying across the room. I covered Seungri's body to prevent any from hitting him.

A man dressed in a uniform appears at the door "I found them" he yelled, then stares at the scene in front of him with wide eyes, seeming to be in shock, but it quickly turns to pity "son, my name is officer Kim, I'm not going to hurt you, I'm here to help"

I looked away from his gaze and buried my face in Ri's neck "Seungri, this man wants to help... should we trust him?" Still no answer from the boy below me.

"Jiyong right?" A woman appears at the door "listen we are here to help you; your father won't be able to hurt you anymore... you can trust us"

My lip trembled, and I grasped onto Ri's arm so tightly he would have a bruise when he wakes up. The officer and the woman have a hushed conversation that I couldn't hear, and the officer takes a step forward, monitoring my reaction.

The officer comes over to me once he realizes that I'm not going to freak out and crouches down in front of us "Jiyong, we need to get you to the hospital"

I shake my head "Ri needs a hospital, I think he's sick... he's not waking up"

I could see the woman from the door on the verge of tears, and I felt a little bit of warmth surround me at her worry for Seungri.

"Ok, let's get him to the hospital, help me get him there" officer Kim says about to grab onto Seungri, but I pull him away.

"No don't touch him, he's sleeping... I promised that I wouldn't let anyone bother him while he's sleeping" I say angrily.

The officer holds up his hands "ok, but how are we going to get him to the doctor if we can't touch him?"

I thought about it and realized he was right, I had tried to pick Ri up earlier, but he was too heavy.  
"You can help, but don't wake him up" I say, and officer Kim leans forward placing his hands lightly under Seungri's torso and helps me lift him up.

The position we were in was awkward, but it allowed me to keep ahold of Ri, so I didn't mind.

We made it to the door and suddenly Seungri is pulled from my grasp by the police officer and when I try to grab him again, I'm pulled back and restrained by two other men whom I didn't know.

"No" I scream as loud as I can "Seungri! I promised I wouldn't leave him, please... I need to stay with him" I fought as hard as I could, punching and kicking anything I could connect with, but my body was too weak and feeble to do any real damage. "Please, Ri" I sobbed and fell to the floor "don't take him from me, we need each other... He's all I have"

The woman from earlier, who was fighting hard to hold back tears came over to me and placed a light hand on my shoulder "I'm sorry Jiyong, you'll understand better when you wake up" then a sharp prick entered my shoulder and instantly I started to feel sleepy, and soon an almost peaceful darkness took ahold of me, taking me far away from this nightmare.

>>>>>

 

I slowly let my eyes flutter open to the sound of light murmuring and a quiet beeping. Observing my surrounding, I discover that I am in a hospital room. Tubes and wires protrude from my arms and wrap around my head hooking up to machines that surround me. 'Am I a patient or a science experiment?’ I ask myself sarcastically

I want to sit up but a sharp pain in my lower body prevents me from making that attempt. I groan and take a deep breath, immediately regretting it when a horrible pain slices through my chest. 'I wonder how many broken ribs I have this time?' I question myself, doing an injury check. I feel slightly tired and dizzy, which would indicate a concussion, I’m feeling some slight pain in my shoulder, so a possible dislocation that’s been put back in place, and my forearm burns like it has been cut. Lifting my arm off the bed and letting the blanket fall off of it I recognize the familiar bandage that surrounds my forearm, meaning that it was, in fact as I thought.

My mind attempts to pull memories of last night out of their hiding places, but they just couldn't seem to focus 'ok Ji, you've been here before... what is the last thing you remember?' I think about it, and I recount my memories of the day. I had gone to school, and came home a bit earlier than usual... I had come in the front door to Ri... I gasp as all of the images flash back into my head nearly making me blackout.

"No" I whisper "Seungri" I begin to shake, and tears start to spill down my cheeks 'This can't be happening, this has to be some sort of nightmare... please, let this be a nightmare' I plead and throw my face into my hands.

"Jiyong?" a familiar voice asks.

I look up through my blurry vision to find a man come into the room, he was slightly older than I remember, but he still had the same face as before.

"D-dad?" I stutter at the shock of seeing him here.

"Oh Jiyong" he says rushing over to my bed and attempting to pull me into his arms to give me comfort.

I push him away "don't touch me" I yell and pull myself up into a tight ball, despite my body screaming at me in protest.

The man who might as well be a stranger, stares at me in alarm "I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."

I let out a shaky breath "just please, don't touch me" I whisper, feeling bad for the way I recoiled from him "I didn't mean it like that, I just don't like being touched"

He nods, but the hurt doesn't leave his eyes "I won't touch you, I promise... just please lay back down, your body needs to rest"

I sigh and uncurl my body and lay back against the bed, in between sitting up and laying down. My muscles slowly beginning to relax, but the pain clearly has no intention of leaving any time soon.  
Silence stretches between us for a couple of minutes, until it becomes unbearable "why are you here?"

"My son is in the hospital, am I not allowed to come see him?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at the venom in my voice.

I look away from him "I’ve been in the hospital many times before, and you've never once showed up"

"That's because your mother never told me about any of that, your mother kept a lot of things from me... like the fact that your stepfather..." he stopped unable to say the words out loud "why did you guys never call me? I had no idea that any of this was going on, and maybe if I knew earlier, then Seungri would..." he trailed off, covering his mouth with his hand and widening his eyes.

My head snapped up "don't finish that sentence, don't you dare finish that sentence, because if you say it then it's true, it you say out loud the one thing I can't bear to hear, then I will lose everything I have, he's the only thing I have left, please don't say it" at this point I was sobbing and my breath was coming out in short little gasps.

My dad looks like he wants to reach out and comfort me but thought better of it and looks away, allowing me, to cry alone.

That is what I truly was though... Alone...To an extent I always have been, but now I truly was alone... And the pain that that knowledge brings, is almost unbearable.

>>>>>

"This will be your room" My dad says opening a door for me.

It had been a week since the night I was taken from my personal hell and brought into a new one.  
Now I was moving in with my dad, from what the police said I should have been living with my dad from the beginning, but my mother was good at covering her tracks. And considering that both my mother and step father were in jail, I had no other choice.

The house I was living in now was a mansion compared to the apartment I lived in before, this place was huge, but in a homey sense.

"Do you like it?" Hwa Yun asked from the door, she was my father’s wife, or my stepmother as she liked to call herself.

I nod and walk into the room. Back at the apartment I had shared a room with Seungri and the whole apartment was almost the size of this room, so it will be weird to have all of this space to myself. I walk in and place my backpack on the bed, my dad hadn't let me take too many things from the apartment, complaining that it was all too ratty, but most of the things I took was Seungri's things anyways.

I opened the bag and pulled out a photo that had Seungri and me standing together at the amusement park, on one of the days my mom had actually sobered up and decided to be our mom. We looked so happy on that day.

My thumb slid over Seungri's face, while a scolding tear rolled down my cheek.

"Jiyong?" I heard over my shoulder "son, would you like some privacy?" I weakly nod and hear a sigh, but they left anyways.

As soon as the doors closed I let myself drop to my knees as I feel the tears start to fall freely. Through my blurry vision I stared at the picture in my hands and suddenly I was filled with an overload of rage, “you bastared" I cried "why did you have to leave me alone?" I threw the picture frame across the room letting it shatter when it hit the wall and clatter to the floor.

A sob brakes my lips and I hold myself around my waist rocking back in forth, but then I quickly realize what I just did. Crawling hastily across the floor, feeling the glass dig into my hands and knees, I pick up the frame and hold it tightly to my chest "I'm sorry" I whisper "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I sobbed over and over.

"Jiyong, is everything alright?" Hwa Yun asks coming into the room "oh my" she cries when she sees me, and quickly looks over her shoulder, closing the door behind her. She carefully steps across the floor to me and crouches in front of me "Jiyong, what happened?"

"I got mad....and I broke us" I cried showing her the broken picture frame in my hands.  
Tears spring up in her eyes "don't worry, that’s easily fixed... but you have glass all in your hands and knees"

I bit my lip as it began to tremble "I shouldn't have gotten mad at him, he's a good boy, and he doesn't deserve to be yelled at”

She looks into my eyes with the most heartbreaking level of sympathy "of course he is, but he wouldn't want you to be hurt, would he?"

I take a deep breath and shake my head. "Ok, will you allow me to take you to the bathroom and clean you up?" she asks speaking to me slowly and calmly.

I nod and allow her to grab my arm, leading me into the bathroom attached to my room. Hwa Yun sets me on the edge of the tub and pulls out a medical kit, beginning to doctor me up.

"Can you tell me about him?" she asks suddenly.

I sniffle knowing exactly who she's talking about "he's really funny, and he loves music. He's one of the kindest people you'll ever meet, and he talks a lot, except when we're home" I say looking down at my busted picture frame.

"He sounds lovely, I can see why you love him so much" she says warmly.

I smile, "he's one of those people that you can't help but love"

A sigh leaves her mouth causing me to peek up at her "I think you are too, Jiyong... You just have to let that love in" She says, but doesn't ask me anymore questions or say anything else, she just hums as she bandages up my hands and knees... I have to admit; Hwa Yun's humming is one of the most comforting sounds I’ve ever heard.

When she finishes bandaging me up, she leads me into the bedroom and helps me out of my bloodstained cloths, then into bed.

"We can get you some new cloths here soon, and you'll be going to school with Minji, so you'll need a uniform." she pulls up the blankets to my chin "you don't start for another two weeks so you'll have time to adjust" she says and goes to pet my hair, but pauses and thinks better of it "get some sleep Jiyong, you're safe here... just remember that" she starts to walk away, but I stop her.

"Hwa Yun?" I asked in a small voice. "Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? I-I'm not use to sleeping alone"

She smiles kindly, and I almost see a touched emotion cross her eyes "of course, Jiyong, I’ll stay for as long as you need"

>>>>>

I wake up at 4am, a habit I picked up a while ago. It was just easier to get Seungri up, clothed, and fed so we could be out of the house before our stepfather got up.

I sit up in bed, my muscles screaming at me because I had been too still for so long. I stretch my body out, even though pain accompanied it... I hated to feel cramped, in any form.

My stomach grumbles at me and I know that I need to eat something. I didn't eat much when I was in the hospital, another habit... why eat when you'll be starved for having to go to the hospital later? It just made it easier to stay hungry.

I got out of bed, and pad to the door. I peek my head out to make sure no one was in the hallway and listen closely for any signs of consciousness throughout the large house. Silence met me at the door with a loving embrace, so I decided to head down to the kitchen, tiptoeing the whole way, careful not to wake anyone.

I found the kitchen easily enough, it was one of the biggest rooms in the house. I opened a few doors and cabinets till I found the food pantry. Standing back my jaw drops, because I have never seen this much food in my whole life, and it all looked so good.

"Would you like me to make you something to eat?" A voice asked behind me.

I scream and drop into a crouch holding my head "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come in here without permission... I-I just... I was hungry"

"Jiyong, it's ok, you're allowed to be in here whenever you want" Hwa Yun says crouching in front of me "Jiyong, its ok. I’m not going to hurt you"

My body is still shaking, but I pull my arms away from my head and look up at her, she smiles kindly and nods her head.

"I-I'm sorry... I guess you just startled me, and my instincts took over" I said feeling foolish, I know that Hwa Yun will never hurt me... I could just feel it in my bones that she's not the type.

"Its fine Jiyong, I understand... now would you like something to eat, you must be starving. You ate like a bird at the hospital" she said moving into the pantry to retrieve some ingredients.

I nod "that sounds great, thank you"

I take a seat at the large bar in the middle of the kitchen and watch her work. She really knew what she was doing, and it was fascinating to watch.

"Did your mother ever cook for you?" she asked not looking up from the stove.

I shake my head "I did most of the cooking for Seungri and me since I was little... but most of what I knew how to make was ramen noodles or done in the microwave”

Something flashes across her eyes. “so, you never ate much when you lived with your mother?"

I take a deep breath "not really, especially since food was earned at home... if you did something wrong, you didn't eat"

Hwa Yun looks up catching my eyes but says nothing and I guess nothing was really needed to be said. I knew my situation wasn't like others, but I never let Seungri or I feel sorry for ourselves. We always made the best out of what we could, and that's how we survived.

"Don't pity me" I say simply "you'll be amazed with the life you can have when you never know if you'll be alive the next day"

Her lips parted, like my words were hard to take, but then a slight smile appeared "I bet you and Seunghyun were very close"

My eyes fell to the counter "he is everything I have, I don't know what I’ll do without him"

I glanced up at her and she looked close to tears, but smiled through it "here, I hope you like omelets"

I nod and take the dish, thankful to have something else to concentrate on. Honestly, I knew how people saw me, as someone to take care of or pity, but I made the best out of the life I was dealt, and to me that takes a very strong person.

>>>>>

I sat in the large chair that was in my room, curled into a tight ball, hugging my knees. I watched the rain outside fall against the window with 'tick, tick' sounds. 'Such perfect weather for this day' I thought.

"Jiyong, are you sure you don't want to come down stairs?" My father asks me, coming into my room.

I blink, remaining still, and staring out the window "nice weather for today, kind of poetic if you think about it"

I hear a sigh "Jiyong, I know this is difficult... but you should come give your respects"

I wanted to yell, scream at the top of my lungs. These people down stairs didn't know Seungri, they had no idea about the life he had lived, they probably wouldn't even know his name if it wasn't on the announcements. How could these people give their respects to a stranger? But I remained silent, a numbness had taken over my body a couple days after I came here, and I welcomed it.

With numbness, pain had no place... and without pain, I could slowly slip away, slip into a place where a life without Seungri didn't matter, where being alone didn't make me feel like someone was carving my insides with a sauntering iron. It was peaceful in this numb world I had found, and I was content to stay here.

"Shut the door, I want to hear the rain without people's voices interrupting it" I say emotionlessly.

My dad sighs again "Jiyong, I'm not going to push you, everyone mourns in their own way... but please don't check out. I'm trying to love you and make you a part of our family the best I can, but I need effort from you too"

I don't say anything else, just wait for him to give up and shut the door. Which he does seconds later, once again leaving me alone in my land of numbness.

 

>>>>>

 

I don't count the days that pass, my time consists of sleeping and staring aimlessly off into random places. I eat when I'm asked to, I drink when I'm told to, and I even talk when talked to. I wouldn't call this living, no, merely existing.

One day I was half asleep when a sudden knock at my door brings me back into consciousness.

"Jiyong?" a voice to high pitched to belong to either my dad or Hwa Yun asks.

I turn slightly to look over my shoulder, a very beautiful girl stands at my door. Her face looks a lot like Hwa Yun, but her eyes belong to my father. This must be Minji, my infamous half-sister that Hwa Yun has talked about a couple times.

"Yes?" I ask, finding myself curious about this girl and what she wants with me.

Minji smiles and I almost feel the need to smile back "Jiyong, I was wondering if you wanted to do something with me"

I raise an eyebrow "like?"

Minji grins even wider, which I didn't think was possible, causing her eyes to crinkle up "I need a shopping buddy"

I sigh "I'm not really the shopping type, I don't even own that much clothing"

She giggles "that's why I want to take you shopping, the idea that a brother of mine doesn't have a fabulous wardrobe is just too hard to take"

I breathe in deeply "I'm just not up for it"

Minji sighs but her smile doesn't disappear "ok, I won't leave for another hour, so if you change your mind... I'll be downstairs"

I roll back over "doubtful... but thanks"

I hear the door shut and footsteps disappear down the hallway signaling her leave. I take my blanket and pull it tighter around me, to get the feeling like someone was hugging me.... it's hard to sleep without this feeling, and the blanket wasn't a good representation, but it sufficed.

I felt myself start to drift off, and soon the comforting darkness took hold and pulled me under.

........

"Ji, I need you to promise me something" Seungri asks abruptly, pulling me out of whatever world i had been in.

I turned to the boy and smiled brightly, ruffling his hair "anything Seungri"

"Promise me, that if something happens to me, you won't shut down... that you'll keep on living" he says his face full of a serious emotion that, to be honest, scared me a little.

"Seungri, don't talk like that, nothing's going to happen to you, I promised that I would always protect you and I meant it" I say nearly scolding the boy.

"You can't save me from everything Jiyong... I just need to know that if anything were to happen to me, you would be alright" he says his eyes burning into mine.

"Ok Ri, I promise... if I ever have to live in an unimaginable world without you, I won't give up on my self and push the world away" I say placing a hand on his shoulder.

Seungri sighs in what I think is relief and rests his head on my shoulder "I love you Ji"

I smiled and lean my head against his, continuing to watch the sunset from our rooftop hideout "I love you too kid"

..

I awoke sitting straight up in bed, blinking tears out of my eyes. That dream... no, that memory fresh in my mind.

Why remember that now? when I'm perfectly content to shut the world out, when I'm doing as you asked and living... but it's not as he asked and we both know it.

I sigh heavily, closing my eyes tight "ok Seungri, I hear you..." I get out of bed and throw on some clean cloths "I made a promise to you, and I don't break my promises"

Then I head downstairs to find Minji, hoping she is still here.


	2. Promises

"What type of clothing do you like to wear Jiyong?" Minji asks pulling a shirt off a rack and holding it up to my body.

"I don't know, whatever fits and is clean" I say losing interest.

Minji places a hand over her chest like she's just been stabbed "I'm going to forget you said that, here let's start with these"

She hands me a couple articles of clothing and moves on to another rack "ooh, I think you have the perfect body for skinny jeans"

By the time I'm pushed into a changing room, my arms are overflowing with fabric, in many different textures and colors.

I sigh and start to undress. I figured out quickly that Minji is the type of person you really can't argue with. It's best to just smile and nod when it comes to her demands.

"How's it going?" She asks just as I throw on a pair of those so called 'skinny jeans'

"Am I wearing this right? Are they supposed to be this tight?" I ask, pulling at the pants hugging my thighs.

"Let me see" she says stepping into the small room with me. "Yes. I was right, you look great in those"

I looked at myself in the mirror and turn slightly, admiring my legs. I had to admit, I do like the way these look on me, even if they are a bit constricting.

"Now, try one of the shirts" Minji says and starts to remove my hoodie.

"Woah, wai-..." I try to stop her, but she pulls it over my head before I can. She freezes, staring at me wide eyed out of shock. I place my hands over my upper body to hide as much as I can, but it’s too late, she already saw them. 

I didn't have to look into the mirror to know exactly what she saw. Scares litter my upper body, ranging in size and shape. I always try to conceal as much as I can so I don't have to deal with getting the look Minji is giving me right now.

Her eyes find mine and tears brim up in hers "I'm sorry... I didn't think..."

"It's ok... I actually kind of like them" I admit removing my hands. "it's like a bunch of little trophies that I carry with me, reminding me that I survived, that I've been to hell and back, but I'm still standing"

Minji smiles "you know, I think I'm starting to really like you, Jiyong"

I feel the corner of my mouth lift slightly "I think I like you too, Minji" I turn slightly and pick up a red cardigan "do you think I can pull off red?" I question.

She smiles that eye crinkling smile "actually, I think it might just be your color"  
.......  
"We should get you one of these" Minji says pulling me into a cellphone store.

"No, Minji, you've already bought me so much today" I protest.

"Listen, I've been sent here today with dad's credit card, there is no limit... seriously dad wants us to spend money on you"

I hang my head, feeling a knot pulling in the pit of my stomach "does he think it can make up for everything?"

Minji stops talking and her expression sombers instantly "No, I don't think that's how he meant it" Minji sighs "dad sees the condition you had to live in, and I'm sure he's guilty that he wasn't there for you... but I think his desire to take care of you now, do what he can to make sure you’re going to be ok from now on is where his heart is" Minji reaches up and places a hand on my upper arm, she's the only person who's been brave enough to touch me without asking first "I think he honestly just wants you happy Ji, he's not trying to make up for anything, he just wants to take care of you"

I nod and finally catch something, smiling a bit "you called me, Ji"

"Is that alright?" Minji questions.

My smile deepens "yeah, it sounds nice to hear it again... So... what type of phone should I get?"

Minji beams and laces my arm through hers, leading me into the electronics store.

....

My arms were overflowing with bags and they were beginning to feel sore. We had been shopping all day, and even though I was starting to like this whole shopping thing, I was still not use to the physical exertion it put on your body.

"Minji, how much longer?" I whine as she stands at the makeup counter trying to decide between two different shades of pink lip-gloss "I already told you that the frosted pink looks better with your complexion"

She laughs "and I told you that though I'm proud of your answer, you are still a guy and your opinion is not yet trusted"

I roll my eyes and slump my shoulders letting the bags rest on the ground. This has turned out to be a fun day, but I was exhausted and just want to go home and crawl in bed.

"Would you like to try out some makeup while you wait on your sister?" The woman behind the counter, who has been helping Minji, jokes.

I set the bags on the floor at my feet and sit in one of the swirly chairs and stare at the makeup samples in front of me, actually considering it.

"Can I see that" I ask, pointing at a small black eyeliner pen.

The beauty counter girl looks surprised for a second, but then smiles and hands me the pen.

"Do you need help?" She asks almost giggling.

I shake my head "nope, I remember how to do this"

I begin to swipe the charcoal black substance across the bottom of my eye and suddenly the memory of   
the first time I did this swarms my mind.

"Ji, where are you?" Seungri calls coming down the hall, and into our mom and stepdads room. "What are you doing?" He asks smirking at me.

"Mom does this, and I was curious to what it looked like on me" I say trying but failing to make a straight line across my eyelid.

"Boys, what are yo.... well don't you look pretty" our mom says smiling brightly when she comes into the room behind Seungri.

I giggle "you're lying, but thanks"

"Here, you have to rely more on your wrist, over your fingers, like this" she says showing me how to do it better.

I smile once she's finished and blink at her "how does it look?"

She laughs and looks at me adoringly "you look beautiful, Ji. My baby's all grown up"

"Mom, I'm only thirteen" I say rolling my eyes at her.

She smiles and wraps her arms around me, rubbing her hand in small comforting circles across my back like she always did when she wanted to show me comfort "promise me you won't grow up to fast, ok?"

I nod and hug her back "of course, I'll be the kid and you can be he parent forever"

She laughs and kisses my head "sounds like a deal"

I pull back, once I've finished putting my eyeliner on and blink a tear away at the memory that popped up with the action.

"Woah, Ji... you look great with eyeliner on, and you did it so well, how did you learn how to do this?" Minji asks standing beside me.

"My mother taught me" I say and hop off the chair, picking up the shopping bags "let's go, I'm tired"

"Ok, give me a minute to pay for my makeup and I'll catch up" she says turning back to the beauty counter woman.   
I started to walk away but catch Minji whispering to the sales lady that she wanted the black eyeliner to. I had to smile at that, but at the same time it burned. 

Of all of the days you had to pop into my head, you choose today? When I'm finally finding a little bit of happiness, you have to find your way back into my life? I think bitterly to myself. Will I ever be rid of you? Will I ever stop thinking of you, Mother?

I really need to stop letting my past show to the world. When the walls go up, pain stays locked away, the way it needed to. I didn't want to distance myself from everyone, or push them away, but it's less painful this way. 

This is the moment that I will always remember as the moment when the walls went up... and I quickly found myself wondering if they would ever come down.

.......

I had pleaded exhaustion when we arrived back at home, and went directly upstairs to my room, even though my mind felt wide awake, I just wanted to be alone.

I was hanging up all of my new cloths up in my room when there was a knock at my door.

"I'm in the closet" I called.

"I imagined it being a different setting when you finally told me" my dad joked.

My eyes met his with a 'really' expression and he cleared his throat, straightening.  
"Well it looks like you two, did some major shopping today... I'm glad" he stated propping himself on my closet doorframe.

I sigh "Minji didn't really give me a choice"

My dad barks a laugh "yeah, she's like that... thank you for going with her. It meant a lot to her"

I close my eyes "I didn't really do it for her. I did it for Seungri. I made him a promise... and... I’m trying"

My dad nods "you're a very good brother, Jiyong. No matter who you did it for, I'm sure it made both of them very happy" he grabs the sleeve of one of my new shirts hanging next to him feeling the texture of it "listen Jiyong.... I want you to know that I’m proud of you, I know this isn't easy... honestly, the strength you have in you to keep moving forward after everything.... well it just makes me proud to call myself your father"

Tears brim up in my eyes and I meet his gaze, and I found myself wanting to collapse into his arms, letting everything I've been holding inside spill out while he holds me, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything, “thanks" is all that came out, and I instantly hate myself for not being able to seek comfort in my own father.

He nods, seeming to understand that I'm just not there yet "Oh yeah, I know it's not the same frame, but this one is better, and the glass is shatterproof" he says pulling out a picture frame from behind his back and handing it to me. It held the picture of Seungri and me.

I took it from his grasp with shaking fingers, looking it over... not a scratch over the picture and it even looked professionally set. My thumb ran over Seungri's face, and I couldn't explain how touched I was.  
My head snaps up to thank my father, truly thank him for once, but he was gone. I step out of my closet, but was met by an empty room. I sigh and shuffled over to the bed, crawling under the covers and holding the picture frame against my chest. Soon dreams of Seungri and me pull my consciousness under into a peaceful and happy sleep.

>>>>>

Weeks pass just as though I had been here from the start, and I was beginning to understand how this family worked. I got closer to Minji and have started to actually see her as a sister, but getting to know my brothers was a different story entirely. I had two of them, one younger and one older.  
One of my brothers is named Minho, he's my half-brother and the youngest, but he's really mature for his age. He doesn't really spend a lot of time at home, he's usually out with his friends jinwoo and Seunghoon, but from what I have gotten a chance to hear from him, he's pretty cool.

But my other brother, my step brother that Hwa Yun had from a previous marriage to my dad. His name is Kyuhyun and I'm pretty sure he hates me. Every look i get from him is either some type of disgust or annoyance, so most of the time we ignore each other.

Nevertheless, life with this new family was begging to become routine and to someone who was constantly guessing where their night would end up, it was welcome. My problems of course didn’t go away overnight, I still awoke in the middle of the night shaking and covered in sweat from dreams I could never remember. Or when I would flinch or cower away from someone who was speaking to loudly and/or seemed angry.

My demons still haunted me as they always have, but somehow, I felt safer here, with this family, even if I failed to understand what a normal family was supposed to function like.

I have this persistent doom feeling that always follows me, but I’ve been told many times that this feeling that something bad was going to happen, the metaphorical 'knife drop' as it’s called, will pass with time, and I just need to keep moving forward as I have been.

I had started school with Minji and though she was a couple of grades behind me, we still got to go to the same school, which was comforting to have someone I knew there. I was pretty much left alone at school, mostly due to Minji warning people off, but also due to the fact that no one really wanted to talk to me.

"It's a certain look in your eyes" Minho says one night at dinner.

"What look?" I ask raising an eyebrow. Minho gets a warning glance from my dad and I immediately understand "oh... so people pity me more than they want to know me" I whisper, finding the table suddenly interesting.  
"It's not that they pity you, Ji. It's just that... you look like someone who's been through a lot... and people don't really want to make it harder on you" Minji pipes up.

I sigh "I guess that's a good thing, I should be thankful that they leave me alone, even though it's annoying that people see me as so fragile"

"Have you talked to Dr. Park about this?" Hwa Yun asks.

I nod "yeah, he says it’s a good thing that I still hold pride in myself, but sometimes I distance myself to much from people... So basically the same things he tells me every week"

Dr. park is the therapist I'm being forced to see twice a week, it was one of the conditions that allowed me to go home with my dad so quickly, that I attend regular sessions with a shrink. 

Dr. Park was also Hwa Yun's go to problem solver, if I was having a difficult day, I went to see him. If I was having difficulty with something, it's always 'have you talked to Dr. Park?'. It was kind of annoying, but I knew her heart came from a good place, so I left it alone.

My dad picks the perfect moment to interject into my thoughts "have you picked an extracurricular activity yet? you could make some friends that way"

The other condition to being released from the hospital early, I had to choose something to invest my time in. Something that kept me busy and would help me get more in tune with myself.

"No, not yet... I never really had free time before, so I don't really know if I have any interests" i bite at my lip nervously, a habit I have when too much attention is focused on me.

"Well we're just going to have to fix that" Minji says smiling. "You're sixteen, we can find something for you to do"

"I don't understand why everyone treats him like he's a damn prince or something" Kyuhyun suddenly says slamming his chopsticks down on the table.

"Kyuhyun" Hwa Yun gasps "don't talk like that"

"I'm serious. Everyone’s been acting like he's royalty and catering to his every need since he got here... well I'm tired of walking around on pins and needles"

My dad fixes Kyuhyun with a look "don't talk about your brother like that"

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest "he's not my brother" then his eyes find mine "look, Jiyong. I know you've been through some bad shit, but you're not special because of it and I refuse to treat you differently"

I feel a small smile pull at my lips "thank you, honestly that's what I want too, to be treated like everyone else, Kyuhyun" I place my chopsticks down on the table "I'm finished, may I be excused?"

Hwa Yun stares at me surprised "O-of course Jiyong"

I bow as I stand up and thank everyone for dinner, then leave to my room. I know Kyuhyun will be reprimanded for his words, but to me they come as a comfort. I'm glad at least one person sees me as just another person. I don't want to be seen as fragile, or have people place my needs higher than anyone else's, I just want to be normal.

>>>>>

"Come on, Jiyong" Minji giggles "I promised I would help you choose something today"

Rolling my eyes, my feet drag along the ground as Minji drags me through the streets of Seoul.  
We pass a few clothing shops, and some office buildings before we stop at a small bookstore "what are we doing here?"

She turns to see what I was staring at "I was trying to remember the way to the shopping mall, it's either this street or the next"

"Can we go in here?" I ask.

She raises an eyebrow "an old bookstore?"

"It's cute, why not" it's my turn to pull her, and head into the small area covered in books.

I look around for a few minutes before realizing Minji was following me around, seeming really bored.

I smile "if you're bored, you can go across the street and get some ice cream and I'll meet you over there   
in a few"

She laughs "see, I knew I loved you for some reason"

My heart picked up pace and I swallowed hard, just watching her walk out of the store. I didn't understand but hearing her say that, didn't make me happy like it should... it just made me feel guilty for a reason I didn't know.

I shook it off and started to look around more, finding a couple of books I decided to buy, but most I've already read.

When I was about to leave the store, I heard a weird sound coming from next door. It was a distant yelling, but from multiple people and the sound of muffled bangs and pounding, like people were fighting on carpet or mats.

My eyebrows knit together, and my curiosity got the best of me as I found myself moving towards the noise. The door to the building was slightly open and I could hear the noises getting louder. I peek inside, stepping across the threshold only slightly, hesitation invading me.

"If you want to go in, then do so... you actually look like someone who could use it" a voice barks behind me.

I jump and whirl around "w-what?"

A man stood behind me, probably in his mid-thirties, but looked very well taken care off so he could pull off late twenties if he wanted to.

The curious man chuckles "I'm just warning you though, it'll change your life, but not always in the way people suspect"

I bite my lip "what's in there?"

The man barks a laugh "well now, life is full of that question isn't it, but one foolproof way to find out... is to go inside"

"Who are you?" I blurt out.

The man smiles and holds out a hand "Kim Jong Kook at your service, and what might I call you?"

I smile at the grown man’s childlike enthusiasm "Kwon Jiyong"

"Ah, it’s an honor to be in the presence of a dragon,” I’m about to say something back but Jong Kook walks around me and steps through the door "come on inside... you might just be surprised by what you find on the other side, and I don't just mean that in the literal since" he says over his shoulder.

I hesitate again, looking around and take the phone Minji bought me out of my pocket and send her a text, telling her to go ahead to the mall and that I'll catch up with her later.

I suck in a large stabilizing breath and step through the entrance into something I never even imagined on how life changing it would be.


	3. Unexpected

2 years later

"Ji, come on we're going to be late" Minji impatiently calls from downstairs.

I sigh and take another look at my hair that just refused to corporate today "this will have to do" I say aloud brushing through it with my fingers, and doing one final touch up on my eyeliner.

"My god, what have I created?" Minji asks with mock shame leaning against my bathroom doorframe.

I roll my eyes "you're just jealous because your brother is prettier than you" I say and smooth down the sides is my uniform jacket.

She snorts, rolling her eyes "come on, my little diva"

"Yah, I'm older than you" I yell and quickly follow after her.

"Only by like four months" she retorts not slowing down for me.

"Good morning, Jiyong" Hwa Yun, says when we come down the stairs.

I smile politely and bow "morning"

She hands me a pop-tart and pats my shoulder lightly "have a good day at school guys"

"We will, mom" Minji beams and grabs my hand, one of my safe zones, pulling me toward the car.

>>>>>

"Any chance on getting you to eat with me and my friends at lunch?" Minji ask.

"As usual, Min, I'll pass" I mumble staring out the car window at the large building in front of me. Our high school was one of the best in Seoul, and looking at it, you can see why. I can almost feel the sense of prestige from where I sit. This made me happy, I’ve always loved learning. School had become my safe haven when I was younger and that hasn't changed much.

"Are you sure, I think Bom has a crush on you" she giggles.

I lift an eyebrow "and this is supposed to encourage me to eat with you?"

"Hey, don't be a bitch, Bom is a great girl... unless you have no interest in girls" her voice heavy with insinuation.

"I don't really know what I'm into, I haven't really thought about it" I say unbuckling my seatbelt.

"Maybe if you tried checking out something other than a book, you'd figure it out" Minji says huffing out a frustrated breath.

I glance over at her and raise an eyebrow "I'll see you after school, Minji"  
I get out of the car and walk towards the school, whispers and giggles of 'he's so cute' and 'do you think he's single' following me. This has become the normal for my morning walk into school, then I managed to disappear for the next eight hours. One of my habits that I had picked up when I was younger that I was actually thankful for, I was really good at making myself invisible.

>>>>>

Lunch time rolled around and as usual I was browsing around the library shelves for something interesting to go with my sandwich Hwa Yun made me. I had read pretty much everything in this library, but I don't complain. Every time I pick up a book, I read it like it is the first time, whether I have read it once or a hundred times. Escaping into a different life every time I opened a cover of a book, is comforting to me.

I round a corner, heading down an aisle when suddenly I hear an odd sound. I stop to listen, but nothing vibrated my eardrums so I continued to walk, then I hear it again.

I tiptoe down the aisle and peek around the large book case to find a youngish boy sitting on the ground, with his knees tucked to his chest, trying his best to be quiet while he silently sobs. His hair was a mess, and his uniform was disheveled like he had been rolling around on the floor in it. But the most curious part was the heavy blackness that surrounded his eyes, that was getting more and more smudged as he continued to cry.

My chest squeezes as I feel the weirdest urge to pull the boy into my arms and comfort him. Something familiar about him keeps pulling at my chest, but I can't seem to place it. The way he pulls himself into a tight ball, or the way he stops breathing for a second while a sob pushes through his body. A weird sense of déjà vu takes over, like I've watched this before.

"Hey, are you ok?" I ask before I can stop myself and the boys head pops up and he jumps a little. Usually I distance myself from talking to people at school, even if they look like they are having a tough day. I normally accept it as not being my problem and move on, but something about this boy refuses to let me turn away.

His eyes widen and he scoots away from me slightly "please don't hurt me, I won't wear eyeliner anymore, please just leave me alone"

My breath catches painfully in my throat, I've heard words similar to that before. Images flash through my head, that I bitterly push away. I don’t want to think of that now, or ever if I can help it.

I recover quickly and straighten myself "No, you won't wear eyeliner anymore" I state walking over to him and crouch in front of him "from now on, you'll actually pull it off" I smile and grab his hand "come on"

I pull the boy up from the floor and drag him out of the library, and into the men's room across the hall. When we enter the small room, I instantly reach into my shoulder bag and pull out my makeup case, and find my eyeliner easily.

I look up into the wide eyes of the terrified boy in front of me. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you, well not if you don't show up to school with that mess on you anymore" I say motioning to his attempt of eyeliner.

I step towards the janitors closet and pull out a small step stool "sit" I order and he obeys sitting like a child about to get scolded. I pull some makeup remover wipes out of my bag and start to wipe away the mess that he made.

I grab his chin and observe his face "you have pretty eyes, so you want to enhance, not hide... make them stand out, which means less is more" I begin to make a thin line across his eyelid and then at the brim and go over it to make it darker.

"Perfect" I cap my eyeliner and put it back in my bag "look up tutorials on the Internet, if you can't remember how I did this... or if you really feel that it's necessary, find me in the mornings and I'll help you till you get the hang of it"

The boy turns to the mirror and his jaw drops "how did you do that, my eyes look... Fantastic"

"Practice my dear boy" offering him a light smile, I start to walk away.

"Wait, w-what’s your name?" he calls after me.

"Kwon Jiyong... you?" I ask stopping at the door.

"Lee Taemin. It's nice to meet you, Jiyong" Taemin smiles happily at me and I have to admit, this kids cute.

I give him a nod and walk out of the bathroom, back to my fortress of solitude, but right before the door closes, I hear a small, "thank you" and I find a smile stretch across my face.

>>>>>

The next day I was surprised to find that Taemin kid actually waiting for me when Minji and I arrived at school. I chuckle under my breath, and lightly wave at Taemin, who blushes and waves nervously back.

"Who's that?" Minji asks smirking at me, suggestively.

I can't help but to roll my eyes at her "he's a child, gross, Min, just gross. I worry about you and that perverted mind of yours...I think it’s all of those idol fan-fictions you read"

It was her turn to roll her eyes "fine, but he looks like he's waiting for you, is he a friend?"

"He's just some kid I met yesterday, that I helped out... oh, put out to your stupid friends to leave him alone" I unbuckle myself from my seat and open the door.

Minji smiles gleefully "Ji, did you actually find a friend?"

I lock my jaw and fix her with a stare, "I mean it, Minji. No one touches him."

Minji straightens but the smile never leaves her lips "ok, got it"

I walk away from the car and up to Taemin, who stares at the ground and seems nervous "I didn’t think I would actually take you up on your offer, but I can't seem to figure out how to get it right... and I don't want to disappoint you by doing it wrong"

A ghost of a smile haunts my lips "it’s all in the wrist, rather than the fingers... come on I'll show you" I grab his arm and pull him inside, despite the looks we get on the way and the very obvious gaze on my back of my over intrusive sister.

......

"It’s amazing that you can do that" Taemin says admiring my work in the bathroom mirror.

I snort "trust me, I used to be exactly where you are, it just took some practice"

Taemin spins around and looks like he wants to say something, but needs to gather up some courage to do so. I give him time to find his words, and begin busying myself. "Why do they leave you alone? ...I mean, I see you walking through school sometimes, and no one, well except for the girl’s notice your existence, and you always have makeup on, and look like you belong on a runway... so I’m just curious to why they don't mess with you"

I stop organizing my makeup case and look at him "how bad is it? Do they hit you?" Anger pulses through my veins, and I’m tempted to go find these guys.

Taemin shakes his head "it's not that bad, just some harsh comments. They've made threats jokingly about hurting me, you know like beating the gay out of me...I know they don't mean it in a serious way.   
My brother warns them off, and tells them to leave me alone... even some of his close friends help, but they also tease me too... it's just hard, you know?" by the time he finishes, his eyes have once again found the floor, and I remember how that feels; always being afraid to look people in the eyes.

My chest clenches for this kid, I didn't know why but I had the strongest need to protect him "they won't bother you anymore, ok?"

"How can you be sure?" He asks me, his eyes holding a sliver of fear that I never want to see again.

"Just trust me, you'll be left alone from now on" I zip up my bag, and go to walk away.

"Wait... will I see you around school anymore today?" he questions in a small voice.

Turning, I find his eyes on the ground once again "I’ll be around...here, give me your phone" I walk up to him with my hand outstretched and he places his phone in my palm. "call me, or text if you need anything... seriously anything" I put my number in his phone and make it number two on his speed dial list, I don't know who Hyunnie <3 is, but I figure it best to leave them as number one.

"Why are you helping me like this Jiyong?" Taemin asks looking down at his phone, after I give it back "I mean, why does it matter to you about what happens to me?"

I take a deep breath, unsure if I had an answer to give the kid. All I knew is that something about Taemin made me want to take care of him. The thought of someone hurting him, or making him cry, made my blood boil, so I tell him just that.

"I have no idea, I just feel like I have to take care of you" I pat his head with my hand lightly "get to class, one of the best accessories someone can have is intelligence"

Taemin giggles and I decide that I really like the sound of it "ok Jiyong"

"Call me Ji" I say patting his arm, before turning on my heel and leaving the bathroom, once again disappearing for the day.

.....

I get a text about lunchtime when I’m walking through the library

From: unidentified number  
To: Kwon Jiyong  
Hey, its Taemin... want to eat lunch together?

A smile ghosts my lips

To: Kid  
From: Ji   
I'm in the library, bring your lunch.

>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Hey Seunghyun, where's your little brother? Usually he's attached to your hip" someone asks at the lunch table, interrupting me in the middle of making my mashed potato volcano.

"Actually, he hasn't been around for the past week or so" another person pipes up.

My eyebrows knit together, now that I think about it Taemin hasn't been around a lot lately, and when he's home he's always on his phone giggling and smiling... could he have a boyfriend that I don't know about?

"I think he's been working on a project" I lie, honestly unsure about where my brother was, but not wanting to look like I didn't care.

"Ah, I hope we didn't scare him off, we weren't going to hurt him" Youngbae pouts "we were just having fun"

Daesung rolls his eyes "your idea of fun doesn't match with everyone else's, stupid"

"Hey, I think he's fun" Minji intercepts smiling sweetly at Youngbae.

I snort, seriously how obvious can she be? She's had a crush on Youngbae since we were in junior high, but he's never paid her any attention. 'If only you knew Minji, if only you knew'

Youngbae throws a piece of bread at me and fixes me with a cold stare when I look up, only causing me to laugh harder. The rest of the table continues with their conversations, paying us no attention, use to our exchanges.

"Maybe he finally found some friends" Bom interjects leaning against my arm, causing me to sigh. 

Honestly this girl never gives up, even after how many times I've told her that I’m not interested. I mean there's nothing wrong with Bom, she's a great girl, and really pretty, but she's not my type.

"That would be a good thing" Dara pipes up, and Minji shoots her a knowing look. Which peeks my interest.

"Minji" I find her eyes "do you know something I don't?"

She smiles innocently "he's in good hands, trust me"

My jaw locks "Minji, who has my brother been spending time with?"

Minji looks down, avoiding my gaze "my brother"

"Ji? Seriously?" Bom interjects again shocked "but he never talks to anyone"

Minji smiles "I guess Taemin's different. He took to him really fast"

I've heard about Jiyong, he's Minji's older half-brother. No one really knows much about him due to the fact that he kind of disappears after he gets to school in the morning, and since I haven't been early to school since elementary school, I’ve never actually met, or even seen the boy. The only things I actually know about him is from what Minji's told us, or from what people have said in the hallways.

"Will he take care of my brother?" I ask worried.

Minji nods enthusiastically "yes, I swear Taemin is in the best hands possible"

Another question pops up that I’m almost ashamed to ask "is he gay?"

The whole table stops and looks at me with shocked expressions.

"Does it matter?" Minji seems almost offended.

"N-no" cursing myself for stuttering, I explain "Taemin tends to latch onto people, and when he does, he tends to let his heart get involved... I don’t want him getting hurt"

Dara places a hand over her chest "aww Seunghyun does have a heart after all"

I throw a piece of bread at her "do you think you could introduce me to Ji?" I ask Minji not really looking her in the eyes "I just want to make sure that he understands how my brother gets, and how he mistakes kindness for more in depth feelings" I could feel my cheeks trying to set fire to my face, and it was unpleasant.

Minji giggles "how about after school today, I think I can possibly convince Ji to go down to the beach with us"

Bom sits up straighter "really? Ji might come?"

I roll my eyes, clearly I’m not the only person subject to her annoyance. "That sounds good, just make sure he comes, and I can do the rest"

Minji shifts "just... don't be to aggressive with him, he gets kind of nervous around people"

I grin coolly "don't worry, I’ll be nice"

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"I don't understand why I have to be there, they're your friends" I cross my arms in an annoyed gesture.

"Come on, don't be crabby... I want to have some fun with my brother, and you don't have practice today, so why not" Minji smiles victoriously.

Hwa Yun forced me along on this adventure because Minji just had to mention going out to the beach today, and wanting to take me with her. Then Hwa Yun just had to get excited, which I of course could not refuse when she gets like that. So here I am sitting in the car with Minji on the way to pick up her friends Bom and Dara.

"You never know Ji, you might actually have fun" Minji singsongs.

"Doubt it" I mumble.

She barks a laugh "you know, you've said that before, and you saw what happened then"

I couldn't help the smile that found its way to my lips, she was right, then again she always had a way of being so.

.....

We piled out of the car when we arrived at the beach it is still too cold to swim, being early February, so a Bonfire is being made down the sand, and a group of people were just sitting around on the beach tucked into blankets, laughing and talking with each other.

"Come on, Ji. Try not to seclude yourself" Minji says pulling on my arm.

I sigh and let her lead me towards the crowed of people I was less than eager to talk to. Suddenly a high pitch, squealing noise rips through the air gaining everyone's attention. Taemin appears out of nowhere with a bright smile on his face and barrels toward me.

I laugh when he reaches me catching him in a small hug. He’s careful not to touch me anywhere, but the areas I told him he could, which was basically my arms, upper right shoulder, and neck area. To anyone else it probably looked awkward, but to me it showed how much the boy actually cared "Tae, calm down, you'll give yourself a brain aneurysm"

He giggles "I didn't think you were coming, Ji. My brother said you were, but I didn't think you actually would" he hugs me again and I catch Minji staring at us in surprise.

I understand why she's staring like that, it's because I never let anyone touch me, let alone hug me. Usually I'm so uncomfortable around people, but somehow Taemin is different. This little pipsqueak managed to get past a couple borders I had put up, and this surprises even me.

Taemin grabs my hands "come over here, they're about to get a fire started"

I nod, he even knows about my tendency to get cold easily. It's amazing how close we've become in such a short amount of time. One day I was helping a boy out with his makeup and the next we were eating lunch together every day, spending time together outside of school, and we would text each other for hours, not really talking about anything. Taemin was quickly becoming a really good friend, and I actually enjoyed having him around. This surprised me, but for some reason it didn't bother me, I actually liked the idea of being close to Taemin... and I’m not going to question why.

"Oh, Ji, there's someone I want to introduce you to" Taemin says turning to me, but refusing to let go of my hand, and in turn snapping me out of my thoughts.

I smile at his childlike behavior and nod "ok"

He leads me down the beach to the area where the fire is currently being built, and towards one of the main fire builders.

"Hyunnie" Taemin calls.

The supposed 'Hyunnie' looks up from what he's doing and a quick smile spreads across his face causing me to falter in my steps slightly. My heart accelerates to levels I’m not use to, and something clicks in my head, making my stomach flutter, and my brain become fuzzy. I have never seen such a beautiful person in my life, his face is that of either a male model or an angel, his hair is a deep brown color, that seems to shine in the setting sun, and his smile is full of happiness and innocence. He’s heartbreakingly beautiful. His dark brown eyes sparkle, and hold such an intensity that I almost feel guilty for looking at them, and they quickly find their way from Taemin's to mine. His expression instantly changes, making my stomach clench like I have just been kicked, hard, prompting all of the air to leave my lungs. 'What the hell is happening to me?'

'Hyunnie' started toward us, catching up quickly "Ji, this is my brother" he says motioning to the boy that now stood in front of me.

I stared into his eyes and I swear time stops in this moment. I can't even find words to speak, because I was afraid he will disappear if I do. He stares back, keeping my gaze, lost in his own thoughts as I am. Something passing between us, something I can't quite understand the heaviness of.

Someone clears their throat and coughs, breaking me away from whatever trance I had been lost in. 

"Would you two like some time alone?" A short, but muscular boy with a blond mohawk jokes.

I lick my lips and swallow hard, ignoring the stares of the crowd that had formed around us "it's nice to meet you... "

"Seunghyun" The boy says in a deep voice that makes my heart pick up from it already accelerated pace.

But I quickly recover when I realize what he said, his name... it's the same as... I feel all the blood drain from my face, and my breaths come out shaky. 'Oh god, not here... please don't lose it here'

"Are you ok, Ji?" Taemin asks stepping forward and placing a hand on my arm, and forcing me to calm down. I won't let Taemin see this side of me, I want him to see me as someone to look up to, which means I needed to be strong.

"Y-yeah" I stutter "just a little nervous for some reason"

The kid smiles "don't worry about my brother, I know he looks intimidating, but he's really just a big teddy bear"

"Yah" Seunghyun protests "I'm not a teddy bear, I'm a beast"

The short guy snorts "the only thing I've seen you beast is a pizza, now where's my fire, you bitch?"

"Patience hobbit, go help Dae get some wood if you want it up and going faster" Seunghyun cracks. I smile at his joke, I had to admit, and he was kind of funny.

"Oh, Ji, you're freezing" Taemin’s voice breaks into my thoughts.

Seunghyun turns away from his friends and gives me a worried look "guys let’s get this fire up quickly" then he nearly runs back to the fire pit and starts helping the others throw wood on.

Taemin grabs my hands in his "you should have brought gloves"

But I can't seem to concentrate on what the boy is saying to me, no matter what I do my mind keeps focusing back on the man attempting to get the fire started. 'Why haven't I seen you before?'

"Does Seunghyun..." the name burns coming out, but my curiosity keeps me talking "does he go to our school?"

Taemin looks at me and smiles "yep, he's in your grade, probably even has a class or two with you... have you never noticed him before?"

I shake my head "no, but usually that's the way I like it. I don't make waves and I don't hang around those who do"

"Ah, well that's one of the reasons right there... Seunghyun tends to be center of attention no matter what he does" Taemin laughs, and shakes his head at his brother "but he's really a great guy, everyone around him tends to love him no matter what he does"

I sigh 'meaning, the type of guy who would never notice you' I say to myself and am caught off guard by how much disappointment that thought brings.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Earth to Seunghyun" Youngbae's voice filters into my head bringing me back from the dark abyss that is my thoughts.

"W-what?" I stutter, focusing back on him.

Youngbae laughs "dude, if you’re not going to help, then at least go talk to him instead of staring at him"

My eyes widen "what are you talking about?"

"I'm not stupid, Seung. You've been watching Jiyong since the moment he got here" He says motioning to Ji and my brother walking down the beach hand in hand.

Something flashes in me and I suddenly want to be the one holding Ji's hand, and talking to him. I don't really like the way my brother has been attached to Jiyong since he got here, and i have half a mind to go and pull the boy away from Ji, but my common sense holds me back.

"Woah, man, reel back in that jealousy... he's just with your brother" Dae calls noticing the look on my face, joining Youngbae in teasing me.

I look away from the boys when they start walking up the beach toward us, and quickly busy myself.  
Youngbae snorts "he's got it bad, Dae"

"Yep, we've lost him" Dae giggles.

I look up glaring at them "should I tell everyone what happened last summer at your dad’s cabin, Bae?"

Youngbae and Dae's eyes widen, before they glance at each other briefly, then drop their gazes and look away quickly. An awkward aura takes over the air, one that took the two of them the rest of the summer to get over, is now back in place.

I chuckle "didn't think so"

"The fire looks good, can we sit down? Ji's freezing" Taemin’s voice comes from behind me, startling me.

I spin around and come face to face with Jiyong, our eyes lock on each other’s and I feel it again, that flow of electricity that rips its way across my body. I felt it when we first met, his beautiful face, and his striking almond brown eyes made my heart do double time, and it is hard to breathe with him standing in front of me.

"H-hello again" I say, mentally punching myself for stuttering.

Jiyong smiles and I swear my heart stops "hello to you too"

Taemin’s words finally connect in my head, and worry surges through me "Here, come on over and get warm" I reach out and grab his wrist. When my fingers connect with his skin, a gasp escapes his lips and he pulls back slightly, seeming surprised.

"He doesn't like to be touched" Minji interjects pushing my hand away from her brothers.

I back up, not wanting to be the subject of a Minji ass chewing "sorry, I-I didn’t mean to"

Minji gives me an angry look, but Ji interjects "it’s okay. He didn't know, Minji... don't make people feel bad for things they don't understand"

Minji hangs her head but nods, and I have to be honest, I’ve never seen Minji do such a thing before. Usually she always has this untamable, righteous attitude, but a couple words from Ji, and she's instantly quiet and subdued. I am amazed to say the least.

"So do you want to sit, it's warmer over here" I ask Jiyong, and he smiles making my heart pick up pace again.

"Sounds great" Jiyong says moving forward with a shivering Taemin still clinging to him, and I found myself very annoyed at this.

Everyone eventually finds a seat around the fire, and I am disappointed to find myself not sitting anywhere near Jiyong. I want to get closer to the boy, get to know him. Actually I just want to hear his voice saying anything really. My eyes stay on him most of the night, and I know that people notice, but I can't seem to look away. Ji is so beautiful, the way his light brown eyes sparkle in the fire light, or the way he would shove a hand through his bleach blond hair, everything about him mesmerizes me. I wish that I had my camera on me so I could fill a memory card with nothing but his beautiful smile, but even a picture wouldn’t do it justice.

"Could you be any creepier?" Bae leans over giving me a 'really' look.

I sigh and look at the ground "is he weirded out?"

"Actually, I think he's been watching you too" Dae says from my other side.

"Really?" I exclaim, my head snapping up, and meeting Ji's eyes from across the fire.

His almond brown eyes widen slightly, but don't dare to move. Something flashes between us in this moment, and I decide, I didn't know much about this boy, but I want to. I'm going to do everything in my power to get close to him.

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

As I stare at Seunghyun, I feel something in my chest, something deep that I don't quite understand, and in this moment I decide, I need to do everything in my power to stay away from this boy. I put up my borders for a reason, and just by the look in Seunghyun’s eyes, he has the power to destroy them all. 

"Hey, want to go for a walk on the beach?" Taemin asks pulling me out of my thoughts.

I smile and finally break eye contact with Seunghyun "okay"

Taemin grabs my hands and lifts me up. The glare Seunghyun sends him, not escaping my notice. 'You just met me and already you stake claim to me... I definitely need to stay away from you Seunghyun'

"Ugh" Taemin whines "I think I need to use the rest room, I’ll be back" then he runs up the beach quickly, forcing a laugh from my lips.

Taemin’s childlike behavior is something I am becoming use to, and the more of the innocent side of him I see, the more I find myself being fond of the boy. I had tried pushing him away at first, but something about him worked its way under my skin and I quickly found myself not wanting to be far from him most of the time.

"Here" I hear a few seconds later and I turn abruptly to find Seunghyun holding out his hand "I overheard Taemin and you talking earlier, I don't want you to get frostbite or something"

I glance down and see a pair of knit mittens in his hand. I'm so surprised that I don't react, I just stare at them. Seunghyun smiles and grabs my hand pulling it up, and placing one mitten on my hand, followed by the other.

"Thank you" I manage to squeak out.

Seunghyun’s smile deepens and I have to stop myself from touching his face "I use to do that all the time for Tae, and now I know that hands are a safe zone"

In my haze of a thought process, I actually find myself saying "huh?" 'Really smooth Ji, he probably thinks you're slow or something'

"Earlier, your sister said that you didn't like being touched, but you didn't pull back when I touched your hands... so I’m assuming they are safe zones"

I nod lightly, his words slightly breaking through my fog "uh, yeah, hands are fine"

Seunghyun reaches down and picks up one of my hands again "so, am I aloud to hold your hand then?"  
I suck in a sharp breath at the action, and immediately find myself wanting to sink into his arms so he can hold me close. The thought snaps me back into coherence, and pull my hands away from his. I don’t know exactly what had begun to develop between the two of us, but I know where it is heading, and I can't allow it to happen.

"That’s quiet presumptuous, don't you think? What makes you think that I would even want to hold your hand? I mean you just met me" I shoot at him, keeping all emotion out of my voice.

"W-well, I j-just…"

I feel bad for causing him to stutter, but I feel like I am doing the right thing. Seunghyun is better off if we keep our distances from each other.

"Is everything ok?" Minji asks coming over to us quickly, she's probably been keeping an eye on me all night.

"No, I want to go home" I hiss, refusing to look at Seunghyun because I know I have hurt him, and for some reason that thought cuts me up inside.

"Ok, let’s go. I'll tell the girls and we'll meet you at the car" she steps away giving Seunghyun a death glare.

"Whatever I did to offend you, Ji. I’m sorry" Seunghyun says in a broken voice that makes my heart clench.

"Just please, leave me alone" I whisper, and leave him standing there looking confused and rejected.

......

"Ji, what happened back there? What did he say to you?" Minji asks sounding pissed off.

I shake my head "it's nothing he said, Minji"

"Then what happened?" she presses

"Minji, I think that boy has the power to make me fall for him" I whisper leaning my head against the glass of the driver side window.

Minji taps on the breaks, jerking us forward before regaining her composer "what?"

"I can't let him though, Minji. He deserves better" my voice trembles and I already know that my words are a lie, Seunghyun pushed past most of my borders the minute I met him. I can already feel myself falling from him, but I can’t let him past any more. I can't let him destroy the walls I've worked so hard to build, because once they come tumbling down, god knows what will come rushing out.

"Kwon Jiyong" Minji says stepping on the breaks again, and I was suddenly glad I was wearing my seatbelt "listen to me, anyone would be lucky to have a guy like you, especially a complete idiot like Seunghyun...I know you have scars, Ji, and you’re not the best at letting people in, but I already get the feeling that Seunghyun did more in a couple hours than some of us have in years. Ji, I know this scares you, but don't be afraid to let someone in. Even if he's a complete man-child, Seunghyun's still a great guy"

I nod "and I want him to stay that way, which is why I’m staying away from him"

Minji sighs, "there’s no use in talking to him while he's like this" she whispers to Dara, who was the only one who came with us, Bom decided to stick back at the beach and catch a ride home with one of the guys.

I feel a tear slid down my cheek "trust me, Min. Its better this way"

>>>>>  
~Seunghyun~

I stand there on the beach, knowing that Jiyong was long gone, but I just couldn't will my body to move from its spot. I felt cold, I wanted to say it was from the early February air, but knew it was from Ji's words. It cut me up inside to think that I had done something to make him uncomfortable or mad even.   
'I wish I knew what I did, I wish I knew why he wanted me to leave him alone'

"Dude, you got rejected, and everyone saw...what makes it worse is that you got rejected by Minji's weird brother" Youngbae says coming up behind me.

"Don't talk about him like that" I hiss feeling a white anger come over me at the insult to my Jiyong...   
'Wait, did I really just call him my Jiyong?'

"Come one dude, the kid’s weird. I never see him during the day, and all the times I’ve talked to him he doesn't say anything, just stares at the floor and won't meet anyone's eyes... It’s weird" suddenly I grab   
Youngbae by the shirt and lift him up so he has to stand on his tiptoes.

"I said, don't talk about him like that" I growl.

Youngbae looks at me shocked "shit, okay. I’m sorry, Seunghyun"

I blink and let him go a little too forcefully because he falls back, his butt hitting the sand, causing a heavy sigh to leave my lips "n-no, I’m sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me"

"Clearly, Jiyong made a bigger impact on you than you expected" Dae says helping Youngbae stand back up "Seunghyun, you know if that's what you’re into, we're not going to judge you"

"Yeah, and even if my opinion of him isn't perfect, we'll do everything possible to make him comfortable if he's what you want" Youngbae says "just don't let him go so easily. From what Minji says, he's the type to push people away"

My heart lifts at the new found hope they are offering me "so, I could still have a chance?"

They both nod and roll their eyes "who knew, the great and mighty Choi Seunghyun would go all homo for Kwon Jiyong" Youngbae snorts.

I pop him in the back of the head but wrap my arm around his shoulders, leading us back to the bonfire 

"Now, just how am I going to convince him to give me a shot?" I ask, making the guys groan at my new found obsession.


	4. pest

~Jiyong~

"What do you think it will be like to be in love?" Seungri asks from his place on the ground.

"I don't know, I never really imagined it would happen for me" I run my hand through his hair, while his head rests on my lap.

"Come on, you've had to have wondered what it feels like" he prods, throwing me a cute pouty face.

I laugh "why are you so curious, are you in love? Is there someone I don't know about?"

Seungri shakes his head "no, but I wonder what it will be like... like I wonder what kind of person I will fall for"

"Well, what kind of person do you want?" I wonder aloud.

Seungri sticks his hands up tracing the outline of a cloud, seeming a little embraced "I want him to be like you, Ji... is it weird to say that?"

I shake my head "no, because I would feel lucky to fall for someone like you, Ri... someone kind, really funny, and completely adorable" I smile and pinch his cheeks lightly.

Seungri beams and closes his eyes "I can just imagine it now, me, you, and the people we love, far away from this place... happy together...I can't wait"

"Me either, Ri, me either"

….

"Ji" a voice crashes into my dream "Ji, come on, it’s almost eleven"

I slowly open my eyes and groan as sunlight invades my vision. "Just a little bit longer"

Hwa Yun laughs "you usually don't sleep this late, I guess you had a nice dream, or had something keeping you comfortable all night"

I shrug and she pats my arm "lunch is in a half an hour, get up and get dressed."

I nod and she leaves the room. My hand shoots up to run my fingers through my hair, but stop when I feel something weird around my hand. I look down and discover that I'm still wearing the mittens that Seunghyun put on me last night.

I slowly bring them to my face, and feel how soft they are as I run them across my cheek, and their sent, Seunghyun's sent filters into my senses.

'You must have had something keeping you comfortable all night' Hwa Yun's words seep into my thoughts.

I quickly shake it off and pull the gloves off as well, stuffing them under one of my pillows, making a mental note to return them to Seunghyun the next chance I get.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Who are you texting?" I ask Taemin, who was walking through the kitchen with his phone in his hands and a huge smile on his face.

Taemin rolls his eyes "Ji. He's in a mood today, so cute"

"Is there something going on between you two?" I blurt out, shoving another bite of cereal in my mouth to hide my jealousy.

Taemin stops "why? Did he say anything? Does he like me?" He sits down in the chair across from me, looking excited.

I sigh "Tae, you know there's a chance that Jiyong only sees you as a friend"

He frowns "I know... I just can't help but like him. He's so nice"

"He didn't really seem that welcoming" I say crossing my arms across my chest, the whole conversation I had managed to have, ended with Ji telling me to stay away from him.

Taemin rolls his eyes "that's because you come on too strong. Ji needs to know you before he starts to warm up" Taemin gets another text and his face immediately lights up, but then falls "...wait, do you like Ji?"

I shift uncomfortably "I don't know, I just... something about him, I guess"

It is Taemin’s turn to shift uncomfortably "can you not?"

My eyebrows shoot up at what he just asked me "Tae, he's older than you, honestly I should be telling you not to go there" I say, trying to be sympathetic with my brother, but feeling annoyed that he wants me to stay away from Ji.

Tae nods "I guess... May the best brother win then" he smirks slightly, and walks cockily out of the kitchen.

"Yah" I yell after him, but he keeps walking... seriously, this confidence, where did this kid even get that from, but I don’t really have to ask, I know where he got this cockiness from and his name is Kwon Jiyong. I laugh once and shake my head, this man truly is a mystery to me, one that I am going to do anything to crack, even if he hates me.

>>>>>

By the time Monday rolls around, I was actually bouncing with excitement. I would see Ji again, and maybe even talk to him.

"Would you stop, you're creeping me out" Youngbae scoffs standing outside the school "and why the hell are you here so early?"

I smile and he rolls his eyes. Clearly I don't need to elaborate, he knew the source for my excitement, and he just happened to be pulling into the parking lot right now.

Jiyong gets out of a car that I can only guess is his, since its sporty and very expensive looking. Minji gets out with him and her eyes immediately find mine, giving me a sympathetic look, but my eyes fail to focus on her, when Ji is wearing tight black jeans, his uniform shirt and vest, with the tie. On anyone else it looks like a basic uniform attire, but on him it looks like the latest trend off of a runway.

He looks perfect, and I think my eyes roamed over his body a little too long, because when I looked back up at his eyes, he was staring at me with an eyebrow cocked. I swear I catch a flash of a smirk, before he starts to walk toward the school, towards me. My breath catches in my throat, as I think of something, anything to say to him.

I don't need to though, because out of nowhere Taemin skips up to Ji and throws his arms around his neck bringing him in for a tight hug.

"Ooh, intercepted by the annoying little brother" Youngbae laughs and pats my arm.

My jaw clenches, usually I would have hit Bae for making a comment like that about my brother, but at this moment I can't agree with him more. It is really annoying how Taemin was always hanging all over Ji, and more annoying that Ji lets him.

I walk down the steps and right up to the two boys "good morning" I say, my voice a little tighter than I would have liked.

"Good morning" Taemin sings, giving me a bright, almost victorious smile, making me want to slap it right off his face.

Ji nods, but doesn't really acknowledge my existence "Tae, you did your own makeup this morning"

"Oh, yeah, I did" Taemin squeaks excitedly "did I do ok?"

Ji nods in approvals "my boy is growing up" he slings and arm around Taemin’s shoulders and starts to steer him into the school.

Even though I get the sense that I'm not wanted, I follow anyway. I quickly tune out of their conversation about makeup, and focus on Ji. From this point of view, those pants he's in really do work for him. I bite my lip staring hard at none other than Ji's backside, when I realize that we've stopped.  
I glance up, to find Ji staring over his shoulder at me, but not with the cockiness he held earlier, but with a heat that I know mirrors mine.  
I swallow the thickness in my throat and feel my heart pick up pace. Ji shakes his head like he's trying to clear his thoughts, while his eyes widen. Before I can say anything Ji grabs Minji next to him and pulls her down the hall quickly, into a random classroom.

"What did you do?" Taemin glares at me, before following after Ji, like a puppy following its owner.

"I-I didn't do anything" I stutter, as confused as he was.

"Why did Ji look so freaked out just now?" Daesung questions coming up behind me with Youngbae by his side.

"Yeah, he looked like he just saw a ghost or something... Or maybe he finally got a good look at Seung's face" Bae giggled.

"Damn and I though he was doing so well at keeping the ugly a secret" Dae joins in.

"Good gods, why don't you two just go make out again" I snap.

Youngbae and Daesung's eyes bulge. Dae starts coughing on air, while Youngbae just stares ahead shocked.

"Again?" One of our friends, Hoseok asks with a shocked, but amused expression.

"Please tell me that there is a story here" Yoongi, another friend, jumps in.

Youngbae steps forward so he's standing with inches between our bodies, which forces him to have to look up at me. I try to hold back my laughter, but watching him try to be serious while looking like an angry child is hilarious to me

"I will get you back for this, it won't be today due to witnesses, but just wait Seunghyun" then he walks away, while I just snort at him.

Our group laughs at the pissed off little man walking down the hall, but quickly disperse when the cafeteria opens.

Dae sighs and I place a reassuring hand on his shoulder "one day man, he'll come around"

Dae nods, then stands next to me so he can talk without being heard "pretty pathetic being in love with your best friend isn't it? So typical high school"

I bark a laugh and sling my arm over his shoulders "well, we are in high school"

Dae rolls his eyes "don't remind me" then we walk into the cafeteria to join our friends for breakfast.

>>>>>

~Jiyong~  
"What was that? Tell me what happened" Minji says handing me a bottle of water "one minute we’re walking and talking just fine, then the next you're nearly breaking my arm off to drag me in here" she says motioning around the science lab I had ducked us into.

I tremble, still feeling the heat rolling all over my body "I never expected to feel tha... I didn't think I would ever want to..." I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose "I really need to keep my distance from him, Minji"

"Have you ever thought about there possibly being a good outcome to getting close to Seunghyun?" Minji suggests sitting down on the seat in front of me.

"Minji you saw what just happened, one look from the guy and I'm..."

"Feeling things, you never thought you would" she cuts me off "listen, Ji. I know it's scary to feel these things, but maybe it's time to do so. Maybe this is the universes way of telling you to finally let someone in"

I sit back in my chair, thinking about her words, and she may be right, she always had the annoying habit of being so... but it didn't mean that I was going to give in without a fight, I would do everything in my power to protect Seunghyun, even if it meant making him hate me.

>>>>>

"So what, this guy didn't do anything wrong, but because he refused to sign his name, he's guilty?" Taemin says staring angrily at his copy of 'The Crucible'

I snort "it's the principle of it. All he has worth anything is his name, and if he was going to die, he wanted to do it with his name untarnished"

"Why can't he just put a hit on this Abigail bitch and not have to deal with it any longer" Taemin suggests causing me to laugh harder.

Tae was giving me questioning glances and I was cracking up, when out of nowhere Seunghyun sits down next to me.

"So this is where my little bro has been eating lunch" he says and Taemin shoots him a displeased look.  
I sit up straight and immediately stop laughing, coughing into my hand.

"Won't your friends be sad without you" Taemin asks a bit too harshly, and I wonder if something is going on between them two.

"Eh, they can do without me for one day, I want to spend some time with my favorite brother" he says taking a drink from the milk bottle in his hand.

Taemin rolls his eyes "I'm your only brother, and we're only half-brothers"

Seunghyun sighs "but I love you like we are full brothers, and I want to spend time with you"

 

The serious edge in Seunghyun's voice makes me look at him, and apparently Taemin hears it too because he does the same "ok, Hyunnie, but don't bother me. Ji's helping me with English"

Seunghyun nods, seeming like an excited puppy, and places his head on his hands staring at us intently.  
I sigh and a feeling spreads through my gut that he's not going to give up easily.

.....

"Are we still going shopping after school today?" Taemin asks when the bell rings, signaling that lunch was over.

"Yeah, I'm game" I mumble throwing my books into my bag. "That's why I drove my car today"

"Awesome" he says putting his own away "I'll see you after school then"

"Okay. Bye, Tae" I wave and he disappears through the library doors, but gives a quick glare at Seunghyun before doing so, which doesn't escape my notice.

"So, shopping? Sounds fun" Seunghyun says over my shoulder.

I tense "yep, your brother and I are going shopping" I said putting emphasis on who was going.

He stays silent for a minute before asking "what class do you have next?"

"Gym" I says nonchalantly.

"Really me too, but I've never seen you there" he says questioningly.

"I don't go, I spend the time in the coach’s office, doing homework"

"Why?"

"Because I don't like to change into other cloths, and I don't like to expose my arms or legs" I state feeling annoyed, and didn't want to explain further.

"Oh....don't worry I won't ask" he starts to walk me out and I realize that he is going to walk with me to class.

I shake my head, but figure it's best to just walk with him. When I turn to walk down the hallway, he stops "where are you going, the gym is this way"

I smile a little bit and roll my eyes "and so is a horde of people trying to get to the gym, come on this way is quicker" I motion with my head, and he slowly starts to follow.

I walk quickly, and to my surprise he actually keeps up. We go down the stairs, cut across the old music rooms and down a small flight of stairs into the hallway outside the gym.

"See, told you it was quicker" I say and point to the gym doors "have a nice class, or whatever"

"So is this why no one sees you around school except in the mornings? You have secret routes mapped out?" Seunghyun laughs placing a hand on my left shoulder, causing me to jump. "Oh, sorry... I forgot, no touching thing" he rips his hand away, like he just touched fire.

I nod, trying to shake off the feeling of his hand on my shoulder "left shoulder is a prohibited area"

"Got it" Seunghyun nods once.

I find myself wondering why in the hell I was telling him, it's not like I planned on him touching me in the future.... right?

"I'll see you after class" he sings and skips into the gym before I have a chance to tell him to not bother.

"This boy is exasperating" I groan into my hands.

"And he only gets worse. It's easier to just give in now" a boy says behind me, making me spin around. The boy, I recognized from the beach, with the blond mo-hawk.

"Why is he so persistent?" I ask.

The short boy raises his eyebrows almost like he's surprised I'm talking to him "when he finds something he wants, he doesn't let anything stop him from getting it"

I sigh "you should tell him to give up this time, it's better if he stays away from me" I wrap my arms around my waist and start to walk away.

"Jiyong" I hear over my shoulder. "I know this is hard on you, but try to think of him too... please don't hurt my friend"

I turn to find the hallway empty, but the weight of his words still suffocated the air around me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Seunghyun, that's one of the reasons I have to stay away from him.

.....  
After class Seunghyun was in fact waiting for me, leaning up against the door frame of the coach’s office, giving me a grin, which makes it seem like he knows something I don't.

"What's with the smile?" I ask "did something happen?"

He shakes his head "just waiting for you"

I sigh "you really need to find a hobby or something, and I thought I made it clear that I'm not interested" I step past him and start walking down the hallway, only to feel him on my heels.

"I have found a hobby, and it's the reason I refuse to take you seriously" he says and I can almost hear that stupid secret grin on his face through his words.

I roll my eyes "you're hopeless"

"And you're adorable when your frustrated" he says cockily. I turn around to make a bitchy comment but he stops me "I know I won't see you for the rest of the day, so have a fun time shopping, and don't let Taemin get too carried away" he pats my head then walks away to his next class, leaving me confused and flustered. 'Why do you have this effect on me?'

>>>>>

The rest of the week follows in the same way, Seunghyun meets me in the mornings before school, he sits with me at lunch, and he walks me to class every day. Even though it is annoying, I still can't help but become use to his presence, so much so that I actually find myself waiting for him after lunch to walk to the gym, or looking for him when I get to school in the mornings.

We don't talk to each other much, just say what is necessary, but the rest of the time is full of staring, quick glances, and even some laughter at each other’s sense of humor that no one else seems to understand.

"Are you going to the bonfire tonight?" Seunghyun asks me on Friday at lunch.

"I wasn't planning on it, in case you haven't noticed, my sister’s friends aren't exactly fond of me, or I of them" I say scribbling down a couple notes into my book.

"Come on, it'll be fun.... Taemin will be there" he pushes.

Taemin's head shoots up out of his hand "what? Where will I be?"

"The bonfire tonight" Seunghyun says seeming frustrated out of the helplessness of his brother.

"Oh, really? I thought you said last time was a onetime th..." the boy’s words are cut off by Seunghyun's hand, who was smiling sheepishly.

"I meant first time, you can come wherever you want" he says too sweetly and I have to force myself not to gag.

"Sure, why not" I say, at least if it sucks, I'll have Taemin there to keep my entertained, and Hwa Yun has been bugging me to get out of the house.

"Seriously?" Seunghyun asks, and a huge grin spreads across his face.

"Yeah, I don't have anything to do anyways." I mention and jot down a couple more notes.

"Great, it's a date" Seunghyun giggles at his own words, causing me to roll my eyes. Why do I feel like I just made a deal with the devil?

....

"Why can't we just go together?" Minji asks throwing herself on my bed.  
I sigh, and scowl at her "you're making that again after you get up, and because if anything happens like last time, I want to have my own way home, so you won't have to leave early"

A groan leaves her mouth "I told you, I don't mind... I would rather go home with you anyways"

"Minji, you don't always have to take care of me. I'm a big boy" I grab a heavy sweater out of my closet remembering how cold I had gotten last time.

"I know, I just want to make sure you're ok... is that such a bad thing?" She pouts.

I roll my eyes and pat her on the head, making her pout deepen "no, it's not, but it's also not a bad thing to quit playing mommy for a couple hours and have some fun"

Her eyes narrow "yah, I don't play mommy"

I laugh and grab my phone off my bedside table "fix my bed, I’ll meet you at the beach"

......

"I love this thing" Taemin chirps happily, examining the interior of my car.

I nod "It was my seventeenth birthday present. My dad missed my sixteenth and I guess he wanted to make up for that"

"Ah, I wish my dad would buy me a car" Taemin sighs

"That would require him to actually be a father for once" Seunghyun says bitterly from the backseat, reminding me that he was there. I had showed up to pick up Taemin, and discovered that Seunghyun had conveniently forgotten to ask his friend Youngbae (which is what I figured out the mohawk guy’s name is) for a ride.

I glance at him in the rear view mirror, noticing the icy look in his eyes, and the way his arms crossed over his chest in a tense manor. Something about the way he held himself, and the tightness in his eyes, made me want to do anything to make him forget whatever was passing through his head.

"Seunghyun" I say and his eyes catch mine, surprised that I actually spoke to him directly. "I heard you transferred a couple of years ago, where did you live before then?"

Seunghyun smiles "I lived with my grandmother in Busan"

"Why did you leave?" I question.

He frowns, his thoughts once again taking a dark turn "some complications arose, and I had to leave"

I sighed, clearly talking about his personal life wasn't helping "do you like music?" I ask, trying desperately to comfort him, without climbing in the backseat and pulling him close to me. 'Wait... what?   
What the hell? Don't you even dare think that way, bad Ji'

 

The goofy man-child comes back as he nods enthusiastically "yes, I love it"

I chuckle "any specifics?"

"Mostly hip hop like Epik High, but listen to everything" he leans forward and I can feel his breath on my neck. That heat that I felt on the day I caught Seunghyun staring at me, spread through my body and goosebumps rose on my arms.

"Yah, get back in your seat... you're crowding us up here" Taemin yells and I shoot him a grateful smile. 

"What type of music do you like, Ji?" he asks once his brother is tucked back in his seat, giving him a death glare.

"The same as Seunghyun, but I like pop music too, Vixx and Infinite are awesome" I mention, and pull off onto the exit, heading to the beach. "What about you, Tae?"

The childlike boy claps his hands "pop music, anything I can dance to really... I love Infinite and Exo, that Kai guy is really hot"

I laugh and catch Seunghyun's humored eyes in the rear view once again, shaking our heads at his brothers ridiculousness.

.....

We arrive at the beach after a pretty fun car ride, once Taemin found my CD collection, and our conversation rolled naturally. I began to relax, and actually caught myself smiling freely.

"Ugh, I can't wait till it gets warmer and we can go swimming" Tae says when I park my car.

I sigh "I don't swim"

"Why?" The younger boy turns to me almost pouting.

"He doesn't like to expose his body" Seunghyun says nonchalantly, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"Oh... why?" Taemin asks, his face showing innocent curiosity.

"Tae, that's his business, don't push it" Seunghyun scolds.

Taemin shrugs "Whatever, come on guys" he smiles once again before hopping out of my car and running down the beach at the descending waves, then running away when they start rushing back up the beach.

I smiled at this act, and lean my head back on the head rest, closing my eyes tightly. I am beginning to feel one of my headaches starting to form, and I know it isn't going to be a pleasant evening if I do get one.

"You ok?" Seunghyun asks in my ear making me jump.

I turn my head, and realize his face is close to mine, too close.

"Seung..." I manage to squeak out, but he stops me.

"Let's be friends" Seunghyun says with that cocky secret smile of his.

I sigh and purse my lips together "I don't need friends"

Seunghyun chuckles, but it holds a dark type of humor "Everyone needs friends, Ji. It's just those of us who don't think we deserve them, that's convinced ourselves otherwise"

"What makes you think you don't deserve friends?" I question, quirking up an eyebrow "you have tons of friends"

"I'm not exactly the guy that people should be friends with" Seunghyun's face falls but the corner of his mouth stays up, in a twisted smirk. "But I can't really help that people latch onto me, I'm not really capable of pushing people away"

"So why be friends with me?" I ask frustrated with his bipolar suggestions "I'm making it easy for you to stay away from me, so why keep trying?"

All humor drains from his face and he catches my gaze holding it, forcing shivers up my spine "Because something about you makes it impossible to stay away, Jiyong"

Seunghyun leans forward slightly, and my mind screams at me to stop him, but my body refuses to be convinced. He stops inches from my lips and smiles, then pulls away as quickly as he leaned in, leaving me breathless and wanting "so I've decided that we should be friends, since you're against being anything more" he looks out the window, that stupid secret smile back in place.

I swallow hard "Seunghyun..." I start, but once again he cuts me off.

"Nope, I won't let you push me away. I know all about you're habit of distancing yourself from people and I'm not going to allow it... you're stuck with me, Ji. Whether you like it or not" he smirks once more, before climbing out of the car, and heading over to his friends.

I wait a few minutes before getting out myself and walking down the beach to meet up with Taemin, wishing to god that the pain in my head would just go away, and maybe the pain in my ass along with it.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"What were you two talking about? It looked serious" Bae asks when I reach them.

Dae laughs "I actually thought for a second that you were going to kiss him"

I smile "nothing, just decided not to take no for an answer"

Bae sighs, catching my attention "Maybe Ji isn't exactly someone you should push Hyun. I mean, maybe he has a good reason for keeping his distance from you" Bae suggests, squeezing the football in his hands tightly.

I take a deep breath "I’ve considered that. I really have, but I just can't leave him alone... it's almost like I need to be near him, no matter how"

"That some serious shit, Hyun. That's like love shit, man" Bae says raising his eyebrows.

I bite my lip "I don’t know what it is, but I do know that I can't let him go"

Youngbae throws the football to me and I catch it easily, before speaking again "but I'm still worried about one little factor"

"Oh, please tell me. I'm dying to hear your opinion, Bae" I let the sarcasm lace my voice to make my point.

"Don't be a dick, I'm serious"

I sigh "ok, what is it?"

Bae mimics my action "you're fine for right now staying by his side, but for how long will you be able to do so when he doesn't want you there... how much will this cost you in the end, Seung?"

I blink surprised at the sudden sincerity of his question "I know what I'm risking, Bae. It's the possibility that I might actually get a chance that keeps me fighting"

Dae catches my throw easily "is he worth it? The possibility that you'll just end up rejected again, also exists"

I take in a deep breath "I realize that there is that possibility, but I have to try, because yes, he is worth all of it"

They look at each other and smile lightly, knowing I'm serious about what I want, and also knowing that I won't give up till this ends... it’s just a question on whether I'll end up with me being in Ji's heart, or breaking my own.

We continued throwing the ball back and forth, and talking about random things, when abruptly Taemin’s high pitched voice slices through the air, forcing my stomach into my throat.

I spin around to find Ji crouched on the ground, grabbing at his head, while Taemin kneels in front of him, panicking.

I am across the beach and kneeling next to Ji in record time.

"What happened? What's wrong?" I ask frantically.  
"I don't know, we were talking, and the next thing I know he's dropping to the ground holding the sides of his head" Tae answers looking close to tears.

"Ji, what's going on?" Minji burst through the small crowd that I just noticed was beginning to from.  
She pushes everyone away and motions for Taemin to move. He gives her a hesitant look, but does as he's told.

"Ji, talk to me... is it one of your migraines?" She asks in a calm, low voice. Jiyong doesn't say anything, but gives a short nod.

Minji looks up worried "I need to get him home, now, but I didn't drive"

"Just take his car. Ji, where are your keys?" I ask trying to match my tone with Minji's.

Ji takes a hand away from his head and reaches in his pocket, groaning slightly at the pain, that I can only imagine feels like his head is slitting open. He pulls out his keys and hands them to me.

I don't hesitate, I place the keys in Minji's palm, then proceed to scoop Ji into my arms, carrying him bridal style to his car, Minji close on my heels.

His body tenses and I lean my head down whispering in his ear "it's ok, I've got you. Trust me" he relaxes slightly, and I feel comforted by that action.

I slide into the backseat with Ji, and place him lying down with his head in my lap, while I began to stroke my fingers through his hair trying to calm him.

"I'll make sure your brother gets home, you just make sure he gets in bed, and takes some medicine" Youngbae whispers through the open door, while Minji is starting the car.

I nod "thanks, man" then I shut the door and we pull quickly out if the parking lot.

At times like this, I'm really happy to have a friend like Youngbae, he was a pain in my ass a lot of the time, but he was always there when I needed him.

Minji speeds down the highway, concentrating on getting us home, leaving it quiet and slightly tense in the car.

I continue to run my fingers through Ji's hair, and he starts to relax like some of the pain is receding. I sigh in relief, when I realize he is starting to fall asleep.

"How's he doing?" Minji asks after a few minutes, once Ji's breathing evens out.

"He's asleep now, does this happen a lot?" I ask keeping my voice at a low whisper.

She bites her lip "it happened a lot more when he first came to live with us, but it hasn't happened in a while"

"What causes it?" I ask, looking down sadly at the beautiful boy below me, wishing I could do anything to take his pain away.

"Usually stress, sometimes when he's not sleeping properly, or worrying about something to much, it'll happen... I think this time you might be the cause"

My eyes shoot to the rear view "this is my fault?"

She nods "it's not exactly a bad thing, it means you've gotten under his skin, made him question some things. Honestly, I've been hoping for someone to break through to him for years, I just didn't think it would be you" she adds emphasis on me again.

"What's wrong with me?" I narrow my eyes.

She rolls her eyes, a trait that she and Ji obviously share "you're just completely different from him. I never expected it is all"

"I never expected it either, but something about Ji won't let me walk away" I sigh looking back at the boy resting his head on my lap.

"Don't, he needs that, someone who won't leave him. Just hold on a little longer... you're so close, I can feel it"

I smile at that, glad to see that Minji was actually on my side. Now I just need to get Ji there.

....

We arrive at their house a little later and I am surprised by how big it is. I had guessed that their parents had money, but not to this extent.

I carefully pull Ji out of the car and carry him inside, his head cradled against my chest, while his left-hand grasps at my shirt like he is afraid to let go.

"Oh my, what happened?" A very beautiful woman rushes to us when we come inside and I guess she is their mother.

"Ji got one of his headaches, but luckily he fell asleep in the car on the way home. He should be fine when he wakes up" Minji says lightly, and the woman nods before finally noticing me.

"Hello, I'm Hwa Yun. Minji's mother and Jiyong's stepmother... and you are?" She says politely, with a warm smile.

"I'm a friend of Jiyong and Minji's. My name is Seunghyun" she looks taken back for a second after I finish speaking.

Hwa Yun shakes her head, like she's trying to clear out a bad thought "Oh, um, it's nice to meet you... Seunghyun...you can take him up to his room. Minji dear, will you show him where it is"  
Minji's nods and leads me up the stairs to a room at the end of a long hallway. She opens the door and turns on a small lamp.

"Just put him on the bed, he sleeps on the right side" she says, and I do as I'm told.

As I go to move away from Ji, he clutches onto my shirt tighter than before and makes a protesting whine.

I look back at Minji, and she smiles lightly "just stay with him, my mom won't mind. Honestly if it's for Ji, she'll let you do anything"

I sigh and curl up next to the boy, tucking him into my arms, prompting him to snuggle closer to me. A content sigh leaves his lips, and I smile feeling suddenly very tired myself. I want to enjoy this moment, let myself admire Ji's beautiful sleeping form, but sleep is clutching at me fast and hard.

The last thing I remember before I welcome in the sweet embrace of sleep, is Minji whispering   
"Sweet dreams" and the blankets being pulled up around Ji and me, sealing me into unconsciousness.


	5. The price of entry

Light streams in across my face, forcing heat to my cheeks, but there was more heat than I expected, and it was all over my body.

For a few minutes I don't question it, I just snuggle deeper into the warmth, letting it cover me. I've never felt this comfortable. Usually when I sleep, it's only for a couple of hours and I wake up cold, but this feeling, this amazing feeling, makes me want to stay in this bed forever.

I know I have to get up though. I have some things to do today, which means I need to leave my blissful warmth. I groan and roll over towards the warmth, peeking my eyes open, to find that I am not alone in my bed.

I gasp and my eyes pop open wide. I sit up and scurry as far away from Seunghyun as possible without falling off the bed. I tuck my legs to my chest and try to calm my breathing which is coming out in short little pants now.

Why is Seunghyun in my bed? Has he been here all night? Did anything... Happen between us? The last question has me breathing harder, and I can feel my lungs beginning to burn. What is going on?

Seunghyun stirs, because I can't control the sounds I am making anymore. His eyes flutter open sleepily, but become immediately alert when he sees the state I am in.

He pops up onto his knees in front of me and stares at me wide eyed, managing to look terrified and worried at the same time.

"What do I do?" He asks me, his voice shaking.

My lips tremble and I begin to rock back and forth to try to calm myself, but air refuses to stay in my lungs long enough to allow me to do so. Tears from the pain start flowing down my cheeks, and I close my eyes tightly, attempting to focus on anything but what is happening.

I hear some voices, and I figure Hwa Yun and Minji had heard the commotion and we're now in the room.

The pain is becoming too much, and I feel darkness starting to prick at the corners of my coherence, threatening to take me under.

"Ji" a voice cuts through. It is deep and commanding, forcing me to listen even when my body fights against it "I need you to listen to me. You have to focus on something, anything to get your mind off of what's happening"

I try, but it isn't working, and more darkness is beginning to take over.

"Damn it, Ji. Open your eyes" his voice is authoritative and stable. I obey and find Seunghyun kneeling in front of me, staring deep into my eyes. All of the panic from earlier has disappeared, and all he is focused on now is calming me down "focus on me, the sound of my voice, look into my eyes... clear your mind"  
I do as he says, staring deep into his eyes, and make his voice the center of my world. I feel myself slowly start to calm, but my heart is still trying to rip its way from my chest, while my lungs grasp at what air it can.

He grabs my hand abruptly, placing it over his chest. It's warm. The warmth that kept me comfortable and safe all last night. His heart is beating at a faster pace than it should, but it’s a nice rhythm, beating against my palm. Heat starts to flow into my body, grounding me, making me feel protected.

"Feel my heart beating. Feel my chest rising and falling with every breath I take... in, out, in, out." he says, and I start to hear myself echoing his words in my head, while my body starts to set into a rhythm with them.

Before I can understand it, my breathing is slowing, and my heart is returning to a safe pace. My body is shaking from exhaustion, and my head feels exceptionally heavy, but I am calm. Seunghyun had stopped one of my panic attacks, and I have no idea how. No one has ever been able to do this, the only way they stop is when I pass out, or when I’m given a sedative to calm me down.

I breath out in relief and relax my body from the tight ball I had pulled myself into, almost collapsing onto the bed in the process. Seunghyun catches me, and pulls me against his chest, enveloping my body in his warmth. I don't even try to fight it, I let my head rest against his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his steady, sure breathing. His arms wrap around me, making me feel safe and warm. I wanted to stay like this forever, no past, no future, just allowing myself to be happy in Seunghyun's arms.

"Are you ok now?" Hwa Yun breaks through my happy bubble, and I almost feel the need to glare at her.  
I nod into Seunghyun's chest, refusing to open my eyes. His arms tighten around me, and I realize that he had one of his hands placed on my arm, while the other was brushing through my hair. He is careful not to touch me anywhere but my safe zones. 'have you been paying that much attention?' I ask internally.

"Do you need me to get your medicine?" Hwa Yun askes, and I finally open my eyes to find her staring at me, concern heavy in her own.

"No, I’m fine actually" I rasp, my words coming out horse due to the heavy amounts of air that scratched up my throat. 

Hwa Yun nods and glances up at Seunghyun, then back at me, a small smile playing on her lips "ok, I’ll leave you two alone. Breakfast will be ready soon, take your time though" she grabs Minji by the arm and drags her out of the room, against her protests.

I allow myself to soak up every bit of the happy moment, before finally pulling away. Seunghyun places his hands on my arms, giving me an unsure look, but lets me sit up. I wobble a little, before finding my balance, and hold up a hand telling him that I am fine.

Seunghyun let go of me reluctantly, and stares, the concern never leaving his eyes "you can stop staring at me like that, I’m not going to explode" I snap.

He chuckles, his eyes crinkling into a sort of fondness "oh good, your back... I thought we had lost you for a second"

I roll my eyes "why are you here? What are you doing in my bed?" I ask, and immediately feel my cheeks begin to burn.

"You got a migraine at the beach last night, and I carried you inside"

"That still doesn't explain why you're here" I give him a pointed look, making it clear that I’m displeased with finding him in my bed.

Seunghyun barks a laugh "that's your own fault, you grabbed onto my shirt and refused to let go"  
My eyebrows knit together "really?"

"Yeah, and you even made this pathetic whining sound when I tried to pull away. I stayed because I took pity on you, so really this is all your fault"

I sigh. I was the one who made him stay, he was right, this was my fault. I shouldn't be bitchy to him, for something he did because of me. "I’m sorry"

He cocks an eyebrow and stares at me surprised "why does it creep me out so much to hear you apologize?"

I roll my eyes "maybe because you're always the one who's apologizing for being stupid and it sounds weird to hear anyone else say it"

Seunghyun grins widely "there's my Ji"

I groan frustrated, then hop off my bed, stomping to my closet "you're an idiot"

"And you're still adorable when you get frustrated" he laughs at me.

I strip out of my cloths, my cheeks set a flame the whole time, due to the knowledge that Seunghyun was on the other side of the door. I swallow hard, hoping to god that he doesn't come in and see me like this. I don't even want to think about his reaction to my scar littered body. I stop in the middle of throwing on a pair of jeans when a thought catches me of guard 'why do I care what you think of my body? Why am I suddenly subconscious of the things I’ve never been ashamed of?'

"Ji, you ok? You're really quiet" his voice breaks through my process, laced with concern.

I sigh "would you like me to perform an opera while I get dressed?"

He laughs "gods, I missed that smart mouth of yours"

I open my closet door and find Seunghyun laying sprawled out across my bed with his arms tucked behind his head "missed? Did I go somewhere?"

The man who apparently has no boundaries, looks over at me without moving and grins "yeah, last night when you passed out. I got to see I different, softer side of you. Though it was nice to see, I missed your bitchiness"

I narrow my eyes, just about done with this exasperating man. "You'll see a real bitchy side if you don't get up and make my bed"

"Why do I have to make it?" He pouts and I have to mentally slap myself for thinking its adorable when he does that.

"It's the rule. Last one out makes the bed"

He barks a laugh "you're serious, aren't you?"

I nod and head into my bathroom to access the situation with my makeup and hair, since neither was taken care of before bed last night. I growl when I see the hopeless creature staring back at me in the mirror and immediately started trying to tame the beast. Seunghyun shows up in the bathroom doorway a few minutes later, as I am washing my face and stays silent till I looked at him.

"Can I help you?" I ask in a tired sounding voice.

He sighs, something playing across his features that makes my chest clench. "I’m curious as to why you keep lying to both of us" he whispers

"What are you talking about? What am I lying about?" I ask feeling bored by this conversation.

"There is a reason you kept these, and the only thing I can come up with is that you feel more than you want me to know about" he states, and I finally notice he’s holding something in his hands.

I suck in a small breath when I realize he had ahold of the mittens that he had given me that night I first met him. Shit, I had forgotten to give those back to him. 'but did you really?' that stupid voice who really needs to stay out of my business, questions slyly. 

"Seungh..." I start but he breaks me off.

"All I want is a chance to be by your side, even if it's just as a friend...I’m not chasing, Ji. So quit running" he whispers, and I see it, the desperation in his eyes that I’ve been missing. 'have I done this to you?' I wonder to myself.

Seunghyun steps forward and places the mittens down on the bathroom counter top "Hwa Yun is expecting me to stay for breakfast, so I’ll go ahead and go downstairs... but I'm not going to let this go, Ji. I know you feel something for me. You just won't admit it to yourself"

I can't say anything. I just watch him leave, frozen in my tracks. It's obvious that Seunghyun cares for me more than I realized and seeing him with that much pain in his eyes turns my blood to ice. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to prevent and it's starting to feel like a vicious circle, no matter what I do Seunghyun could end up getting hurt. How do I protect him when he is so carless with his heart? How do you save a person, who's content with being condemned?

I groan and throw my head into my hands 'what do I do here, Seungri?' As always. There’s no answer.

......

I come into the kitchen after successfully gaining control over my hair and face, to find Seunghyun chatting happily with Hwa Yun and Minho. He moves around the kitchen helping Hwa Yun with breakfast, while he and Minho discuss some new video game they were both interested in. They haven’t seen me yet, so i just lean against the doorway, watching the scene in front of me. Every bit of the vulnerable, hurt Seunghyun that he revealed to me earlier in the bathroom, is now gone. In its place, is a confident, funny man who acts like he has been in this family for years. It baffles me how naturally he connects with them. 'he fits into your family better than you do' my mind bitterly points out.

"Oh, hey there, beautiful" Seunghyun comments, finally noticing me, and beams.

I snap out of my thoughts, and narrow my eyes at him. Hwa Yun smiles and looks like she's about to fangirl, while Minho just rolls his eyes. I sigh and walk over to the breakfast bar, claiming my seat. 

"what's for breakfast?"

"Pancakes and some fruit, you need the sugar in you" Seunghyun says before Hwa Yun can answer "you lost some energy this morning"

I turn red at how that sounded, and Minho hides a laugh behind a cough "I would rather just have a pop-tart" I mumble.

The constant pain in my ass looks up at me, his eyes deadpanning "that's why you always look so tired, your body isn't being nourished properly" he sets a bowl of fruit in front of me "now eat"

"Trust me, if you had the dreams that I have, you wouldn't always sleep like a baby either" I mumble again, unsure if anyone really heard me, and grab the newspaper off the counter, starting to read todays new, while ignoring the bowl.

A wooden spoon suddenly pushes a crease into my paper, folding it down until I can see Seunghyun’s glare. A shiver runs up my spine at how serious he looks, and I lock my jaw. We stare at each other for a minute, before I finally give in, rolling my eyes and place a half of a strawberry into my mouth.

Seunghyun's expression immediately changes and he grins that stupid secret smile of his at me "that's my boy"

I growl at him and flip my paper back up with a snap, so I don't have to see that damn smile anymore but continue to keep eating. I don't miss the looks on Minho and Hwa Yun's faces before I do so though. They looked stunned, and slightly amused, which only pisses me off that much more. It's not like this man has any power over me, I just don't feel like wasting the energy to fight with him.

"Good morning, my lovelies" my dad rushes into the room "happy Saturday" he chirps loudly.

I groan at his abnormal chipperness for it being this early in the morning, while everyone else greets him happily. Honestly, why do I have to be surrounded by morning people?

"Uh oh, did we pick up another one?" my dad chuckles as his eyes fall on Seunghyun.

"Hello sir, I’m Seunghyun, a friend of Ji's" Seunghyun smiles at him and bows politely.

My dad falters for a second, giving Seunghyun a surprised look. "oh, it’s great to hear, that Jiyong has a friend" he pauses "it's wonderful to meet you Se-Seunghyun"

I chuckle bitterly "burns a little coming out, doesn't it?"

My dad meets my eyes and gives me a knowing look, then turns to Hwa Yun and begins to converse with her naturally. Seunghyun places a glass of juice in front of me, while giving me an eyebrow raise of a confused look. I just sigh and shake my head, turning back to my paper.

.....

"I really don't like the idea of you going out by yourself, Ji" Hwa Yun says when we all sit down at the table.

"I'll be fine, Hwa. It's just a couple of things I have to do. Seriously, nothing to worry about"

Hwa Yun fixes me with a look "you should never tell a mother not to worry, because that's when they worry the most"

Minji sighs "I wish I didn't have to volunteer with Bom today, I would go with you... maybe I can reschedule" she offers.

"Seriously guys, come on. I'm not a child, I can take care of myself" I whine feeling cornered.

"I know, sweetie, but if you're having migraines and panic attacks again, I just want to be on the safe side" Hwa Yun says placing a hand over mine.

"You would have a panic attack too if you woke up to that in your bed, without you remembering how or why he's there" I motion at Seunghyun, instantly regretting my words.

My dad chokes on the juice that he was drinking, and everyone else shifts awkwardly, giggling or smiling.

"If it makes you feel better, I can go with him" Seunghyun interjects, breaking the awkward silence that has taken over the air around us. I shoot him an icy stare, and he just shrugs his shoulders, making it clear he was only trying to help.

"Oh, would you mind? That you make me feel so much better" Hwa Yun gushes giving my constant annoyance an adoring look.

"Yes, of course, I’d love to spend the entire day with Ji" Seunghyun says, grinning at me triumphantly.

I groan and let my head fall to the table, because I know I won't be able to fight Hwa Yun on this. Weather I like it or not I am going to have to spend the entire day with Seunghyun. 'if you hate that idea so much, then why is your heart beating so fast' my mind asks me, almost mockingly.

'seriously am I even against myself now?'

>>>>>

"Come on, Ji? Can you slow down?" I hear over my shoulder, as I walk through the shopping mall.

I sigh, frustrated "the deal was that: I let you tag along, if you keep up"

"I know, I know... but seriously, are you a runner or something? How can a person walk this fast?" he pants, resting his hands on his knees.

Dark memories pass by, and I have to forcefully push them out of my head "I’m used to having to walk fast. You never know when you need to get away"

"What does that mean? Is someone bullying you? Give me a name, I swear to god..."

"Seung, calm down" I laugh at his absurd behavior "it's fine, trust me, no one bothers me"

He nods, but then a large grin spreads across his face, reminding me briefly of Cheshire cat "hey, you called me, Seung"

I clear my throat and stand up a little straighter "momentary lapse of speech, nothing more... let’s keep moving. I’ll try to slow down"

I hear him chuckle behind me, but keep moving 'damn it, keep your cool, Jiyong... we can't afford slip ups like that'

...

"Seriously, this is something you have to do?" Seunghyun asks when we stop outside of an ice cream shop.

"What, you don't like ice cream? I figured I would treat you since you've actually behaved today" I narrow my eyes at him playfully, feeling in a good mood for some odd reason.

Seunghyun smiles lightly "I love ice cream, I just didn't know today would be so relaxed"

"This is relaxed to you? Deciding between cashmere or knit sweaters is very tiering" I gasp in mock offense and place a hand over my heart.

He turns his head slowly towards me with humor dancing in his eyes "Ji... did you just make a joke?"

I sigh dramatically "clearly my humor is above you"

Seunghyun laughs but catches on quickly that I’m in a good mood and he should keep it that way "you know, you bought both of those sweaters, so I have no idea why you spent so long making the decision"

"All options must be weighed when it comes to buying sweaters, and in the end, I decided that I really needed both of them" I place a hand on my hip "are you jealous? Did you want one for yourself?"

"Oh no, your highness. I wouldn't dream of taking one of your sweaters that you had to have" he says with mock fear in his eyes

"Good, because I wouldn't have given it to you anyways" I say and flip my invisible long hair over my shoulder before walking into the ice-cream shop.

We get our ice cream. I decided on mint chocolate chip, while Seunghyun went for the triple chocolate swirl. We find a table, and sit down enjoying our treat, and even a little bit of each other’s company.

"I like this side of you, you seem happier this way" Seunghyun says avoiding my gaze.

I sigh, licking my lips clean. "I’m not always a bitch, you know. Just to people who I don't know... defense mechanism, I guess"

"So, what made you finally decide to be human with me" he asks swirling his treat around with his tiny spoon.

I raise my eyebrows at his word choice but decide not to ask, "well we did sleep together"

Seunghyun starts to choke slightly, as I try to push the smile from my lips at his reaction. "and that's all we did... sleep"

"Oh, I know, you wouldn't have gotten further than sleeping"

"What, too good for me?" he scoffs, pouting at my mention.

Another sigh leaves my lips 'stop doing that, you're too damn cute when you pout' "more like touching issues"

"Oh right, you don’t like to be touched... why is that?"

My eyes flutter to his "I don’t think we're close enough for that explanation"

"So i have to wait till I’m as close to you as Tae, before you'll explain it to me?"

I take another bite of ice cream "I’ve never talked to anyone about it, not even my therapist who knows all about it...but I still refuse to talk"

Seunghyun pauses his spoon "I’m here if you even need to, just to let you know"

Our eyes meet again, and I see the truth hidden in them, Seunghyun is someone I can trust, someone I can talk to without judgment or fear. Maybe one day, but not today, I don't want him to pull away from me just yet. After all we just started becoming somewhat of friends.

...

We sat there for hours talking, teasing each other, and even laughing at each other's stupid jokes. We talked about our personal lives, his friends, our likes and dislikes, and anything else that came to our minds. By the time we finally decide to leave, I felt like I have known Seunghyun for years. I felt closer to him and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

I decided to finally be honest with myself. I do like Seunghyun, and even though it doesn't change anything, I still can't help but find myself steadily getting closer to him.

Maybe being friends wasn't a bad idea, I mean he wasn't going to leave me alone, and I wasn't really sure if I wanted him to. The least I can do is give him a shot, nothing bad can come out of being friends... right?

.....

"So, are you excited to graduate?" Seunghyun asks while walking through a random clothing store.

"Yes, I’m ready to get out of here, and start over... start my own life where people don't look at me with sympathy or judgment"

"You want to leave? Where do you want to go?" He asks looking slightly upset.

"I don't know yet. I’ve applied to colleges all over the place, even some in the states" I nonchalantly explain while searching through a cloths rack, before moving on.

I stop when I realize Seunghyun has stopped following me. I turn around to find him staring at the floor, a crushed look on his face.

Before I understand why I’m saying it "but I’ve also applied to a couple of university's here in Soul" leaves my mouth.

His head pops up and the corners of his lips lift slightly "what do you want to study?"

"Language, I’ve always had a vast interest in writing... but I could also see myself doing something in fashion" I feel a bit of relief when Seunghyun smiles "what do you want to study?"

"The answer might surprise you" he chuckles walking towards me

"Try me" I challenge.

"Photography, or classical art"

I nod, while smiling "ok, you're right, I’m surprised. I never imagined you as the taking pictures, or hanging around in a gallery, type"

Seunghyun smirks "well now who's fault is that?"

I roll my eye, he has me there "ok, ok. So, what do you like to photograph? What’s your favorite kind of art?"

"it’s kind of the same for both, actually. I like people. I love to watch people’s expressions to different things, and to see how they handle different type of scenarios. I like to observe the world just existing.”

"So, kind of like Photojournalism? Or realism… You want to capture people living through different types of events" I offer, trying to understand.

He smiles enthusiastically "yes, exactly"

I bite my lip "they have a great photojournalism program at Seoul University. Their art department is pretty noteworthy as well"

"I know, I’ve actually applied already" he crosses his fingers in a hopeful way and I can't help but be in awe of him.

Seunghyun has his future figured out, he's even sure about where he wants to be for the next couple of years. My impression of him was a little off base, and I kind of feel guilty about that.

"I think I judged you a little too quickly. Sorry" i mumble.

"Seriously, stop apologizing. It weirds me out. You, just allowing me to be here, makes up for any previous ill treatment" he motions to the fact that he's standing next to me, and I can't help but smirk a little.

I shake my head "you're an idiot"

Seunghyun's booming laugh echoes through the store "there’s my, Ji" and I blush at the mention of being his.

'Honestly, what am I going to do with this guy?'

>>>>>

"I had fun today, Ji" Seunghyun says when I park outside of his house, it was a cute little building, with flower pots and plants littered outside the front of the house. "my aunt is obsessed with plants" he says noticing my gaze.

I take a deep breath "ah, and I guess it didn't suck"

He laughs "oh, come on, you know you enjoyed yourself. You can't lie to me"

I raise an eyebrow "can't I?"

"Nope, I see right through you. I just let it slide most of the time" he grins at me with that stupid smile of his, even after bonding today, I still hate that damn smile.

"Whatever, Seung. Do you need help with your bags?" I ask, changing the subject before It takes a heavy turn.

"Yeah, just to the door if you don't mind"

We pile out of the car and I feel a couple cold water drops hit my face, promising me of oncoming rain, and sure enough it starts coming down fast and hard, forcing Seunghyun and me to run to his front door.

We start laughing as we huddle under the small over hang above his front door, even though we were already soaked. We stare out at the rain for a few minutes, listening to it pound down onto the street and buildings around us.

"You look cute like this" Seunghyun says suddenly catching me of guard.

I blush "you make it really hard to be friends when you say things like that"

Seunghyun sighs "I know, but you know that's not honestly what I want, right?"

It’s my turn to sigh "I know, you want more, but I can't give you more, Seunghyun... A part of me wishes I could, but I just can't"

"Have you ever tried?" He whispers, and I turn my head quickly to find his face close to mine, too close.

My breath catches and I swallow hard, while my eyes widen. That heat once again spreads through my body as my mind screams at me to be logical, to think this through. Once again though my body isn't paying attention, and I catch myself actually leaning forward.

"Stop me anytime" Seunghyun says leaning closer to me, slowly, too slowly.

I don't say anything, I can't, and a thought crosses my mind 'it's because you actually want him to kiss you idiot' The truth slaps me across the face. I want this, I want to kiss this man. And that's exactly what happens, Seunghyun's lips meet mine, lightly brushing against them at first. His lips are soft and gentle, completely opposite from how I imagined them to be. Wait... have I actually thought about kissing Seunghyun. The answer flashes neon across my thoughts. Yes, yes I have.

Seunghyun steps closer to me, his body brushing against mine, and he cups my cheek deepening the kiss slightly, before pulling away out of breath and resting his forehead against mine.

"That was..." I start but am cut off by a small squeak. Seunghyun and I turn abruptly to see the almost pathetic looking boy, soaked from the rain, holding a grocery bag, looking shocked and defeated.

"Ji?" Taemin questions with wide, disbelieving eyes. His lips trembles and tears begin to pool.

"Tae" I step forward, aching for the look on my best friend’s face.

"But...I..." Taemin try's to say, but he just looks down at the ground as tears start to fall.

"Tae" I rush forward, and throw my arms around his shoulders "what wrong? Are you ok? Are you hurt?"

He nods "yes, I'm hurt... you just broke my heart, Ji" then he looks up and into my eyes so I can see the heartbreak and betrayal living there.

"W-what?" I stutter, shocked.

"It's not important anymore, I've already lost" he shuffles forward with his shoulder slumped, out of my grasp.

I stay on the sidewalk frozen, and confused, staring after my best friend, who just enters the house and closes the door without another word or even a glance at me.

"I don't understand" I whisper

"He kind of had a bit of a crush on you" Seunghyun breaths out forcefully and closes his eyes tightly "I should probably go check on him, I'll text you later" then he walks inside almost in the same manor Taemin had.

I stand there stunned, Tae had feelings for me? How did I not see it?

My mind scoffs, taunting me in that little singsong voice it has 'Come on Ji, this isn't the first time you've had a blind spot'


	6. Too Important to let go

~Jiyong~

The first thing I wanted to do, was apologize to Taemin, but I didn't really know what I was apologizing for

All I can think of is the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. I groan and roll over on my bed, picking up my phone for the millionth time, but once again an empty screen meets my hopeful gaze.

"Damn it" I curse, and throw my phone down "this is why I stay away from people, nothing but pain follows me"

I had let myself get close to Seunghyun for one second and this is what happens. It just validates my point that I need to stay away from him, if not... God knows what'll happen.

I curse again and jump off my bed, heading to my closet, and grabbing my gym bag. I stomp down the stairs, feeling the need to voice my frustration in every movement I make.

"Ji, are you ok?" My dad asks coming out of his study, cocking an eyebrow at my weird behavior.

I breath out an exasperated breath "you know, you would think that guys would be easier than girls, I mean less drama right?"

My dad’s eyes dance with humor and he shrugs "I've never had experience with the latter"

I purse my lips "don't, it's not worth it, they are all a pain in the ass, no matter the gender"

My dad laughs and notices my gym bag "going to release some agitation?"

I nod "I need to hit something"

My dad shakes his head, but continues to smile at me "have fun, and don't hurt yourself"

I roll my eyes, and grab my keys off the table beside the door "later, dad"

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Tae, are you going to stay in bed all day?" I ask feeling slightly annoyed at my little brother’s behavior. 

"You know Ji has called and texted you a bunch of times... he really wants to talk to you"

"I don't want to talk to him" Tae pouts.

"Yes, you do. You're dying to talk to him, but you're being stubborn" I say leaning against his doorframe and crossing my arms over my chest.

Taemin shifts "why did you have to kiss him? Why couldn't you have picked anyone else? Why my Ji?"  
I am trying to be sympathetic, I really am, but his words 'my Ji' make me want to pop him in the back of the head 

"Tae, come on, you know that Ji doesn't see you that way" I said in a softer tone than my thoughts.

"Just leave me alone" Tae whines.

I sigh "no, you can be mad at me all you want, and you can even refuse to talk to me for the rest of our lives, but I won't let you do this to Ji. You know how he is with letting people in, don't hurt him like this. You're too important to him." I pick up his phone off ground where he threw it earlier "he's already called and texted you a bunch of times apologizing and he hasn't done anything wrong... don't be like this. Man up and fix this" I set his phone next to him on his bed and walk out of the room.

I hear Taemin sigh, but also hear the unlocking of his phone. A triumphant smile spreads across my face, as I close his door behind me, giving him some privacy to make up with his best friend.

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Again" Jong kook yells.

I punch the pad in front of me with an angry force, while letting out a loud 'yah'

"Ooh, we've got some fire in us today" Jong kook laughs "I like it, but don't let that anger keep you from concentrating"

I nod and strike out my fist at his call, continuing to punch out all of my aggression into the foam in front of me, waiting to be abused.

"Is Jiyong having love life troubles?" Eunhyuk asks coming out of the back room with a bowl of noodles in hand.

"Yah, I told you, no food on the dojo floor" Jong kook yells

"It's ok, I won't spill any" Eunhyuk snickers at Jong kook's ability to get heated so quickly.

"Yesh, this little punk... if you spill even the tiniest of drops, you're scrubbing this whole place till it sparkles" Jong Kook threatens, causing me to laugh.

"Oh please, this boy could clean for days and it would be worse than before" Donghae cracks up at his own joke, from his place on the floor across the room.

"Would not, my cleaning skills are on point, you are the one who sucks at cleaning" Eunhyuk barks, flipping his bleach blond hair to the side dramatically.

"Liar, who is the one who's always cleaning our apparent?" Donghae protests.

"Sungmin" Eunhyuk snorts.

"Oh right" Donghae joins in, and soon they were both cracking up.

"Speaking of which, where is Sungmin?" Mino asks coming out of the back room where Eunhyuk just came from and sitting next to the blond-haired boy.

"He had an early class today" Donghae answers "he's been really busy lately" he says looking a little confused making me wonder if there's something going on with Sungmin.

"Ah, I wonder if maybe he has a boyfriend?" Mino asks playfully raising his eyebrows, and Donghae smiles, before shrugging.

"Oh, which reminds me, Ji..." Eunhyuk snaps "tell us about your love issues"

I roll my eyes "it's a mess, I don't want to talk about it"

"Oh no you don't, the strongest weapon we have is our voice, let’s talk it out" Jong Kook says setting down the punching pad.

I groan "I came here because I wanted to hit something, if I wanted to talk I would have gone to see Dr. Park"

"Come on, there's things that you feel more comfortable telling friends, come sit by me and tell Eunhyuk hyung all about it" Eunhyuk pats the rolled-up mat that he and Mino are sitting on.

I sigh and do as I'm told "it's complicated"

"No matter of the heart is ever uncomplicated" Jong kook says sitting on the floor in front of us, while Donghae scoots over to sit next to him.

I bite at my lip feeling too focused on "ok so I have a best friend, his name is Taemin. Everything was just fine, until I met his brother, Seunghyun. I started feeling things that I never thought I would towards Seunghyun, and I tried pushing him away, but he's very persistent. Well last night we kissed and Taemin saw, and got really upset which I discovered that he likes me as more than a friend and I don't know what to do" I take a large breath after all of it comes out in a rush.

"How do you feel about Taemin?" Eunhyuk asks, not missing a beat.

"I don't see him that way, he's like a little brother to me, but I don't want to hurt him" I feel depressed just talking about Taemin. I really miss him.

"Do you like Seunghyun?" Donghae asks.

I bite my lip "I tried my best not to, and I really don't want to, but yeah, I really do"

"You're right, this is complicated" Eunhyuk says, causing me to groan once again, I feel like I'm doing that a lot lately. "Now hold on, I'm not saying it's not solvable"  
"What do I do Eun?" I hear the desperation deep in my voice and am confused by how helpless I really do feel.

"Ji, this may sound simple, but do what you would do if no one were to get hurt. If somehow miraculously you could make a choice that would end with no pain for anyone, what would you chose?" He asks looking at me.

I sit back and think, if I could choose one path and it would end with no consequences, what would I choose? "I would choose Seunghyun" I say aloud and am surprised by my answer. Without hesitation I choose the one person I've been trying to keep out, irony is a bitch.

"Then that's what you should choose, Ji. Listen, people get hurt in this world no matter what we do, it's just a matter on what's going to hurt you that you have to think of... I think you're allotted a bit of selfishness, you deserve to be happy" Eunhyuk tells me "do what's going to make you happy, Ji. The rest will work itself out"

"I wish it was that easy, but I don't want to hurt Taemin, or Seunghyun...they deserve better" I say, my mood getting darker by the second just thinking about all of this.

"Don't give me that shit, you are not a black hole, you're not going to ruin someone's life by loving them" Jong Kook gives me his no bullshit look and I have to sigh. 

"And this friend, if he really cares about you, he would want you to be happy too, Ji" Mino adds.

I nod, feeling the weight of their words, but not sure if they're really sinking in "You're really going to make a good shrink, Eun" I say.

Eunhyuk laughs "well good that, because if I had to change my major this late, I would drop out of college... but then I could spend all of my time here with Jong kookie hyung"

Jong kook growls "you're finishing school, even if I have to drag your ass to every class myself"

I snort, but quickly tune out their bickering because my phone goes off from my bag. I stand and pull it out to see a text from someone I didn't expect.

"Oh, he texted me" I bounce slightly.

"Who?" Donghae and Eunhyuk ask at the same time.

"Taemin" I grin, while opening my phone.

From: Taminnie  
To: JiJi

Wanna meet somewhere and talk?

I grin and bounce some more, earning chuckles from the boys behind me.

To: Taeminnie  
From: Ji

Yes, I would love to, you pick a place and I'll be there

From: Taeminnie  
To: JiJi

Han river? Our bench, In 20 mins?

To: Taeminnie  
From: Ji

Sounds great. I'll see you there, Tae

.....

Twenty minutes later I sit at our bench as promised. I watch people pass by, some on dates, some are tourists, but a few are like me just sitting around searching for something.

The first time I found this place was right after I came to live with my dad, I was angry one night and couldn't sleep, so I got up and just started aimlessly walking around, eventually finding my way to this place.

I sat here for hours that night, thinking, breathing, and even crying. I was lost, but when I finally went back home I felt lighter, like a bit of the weight on my shoulders was reduced slightly, like everything was going to be ok.

This is my favorite spot in all of Seoul and I come here when I need to think, or just breath.

I showed this place to Taemin, figuring it could become as important to him as it was to me. It did, we started coming here almost every weekend to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. Taemin really had become my best friend in record time. A part of me wonders how he got under my skin so fast, but another part of me, really doesn't need to ask because I love Tae so much that it scares me.  
I don't know how I would hold up if I ever lost Tae, it's only been a day and I'm already falling to pieces, what would happen if he didn't want us to be in each other lives anymore? I can't bear to think of it.

"Hey" a small voice says behind me.

"Tae" I jump up and swirl around, my heart pounding happily just seeing him.

"I guess we have some things to talk about" he says looking down at the ground.

I sigh, my heart clenching at his formality "I guess we do"

"But first..." he trails off and the next thing I know I'm catching the boy in my arms and he's squeezing me tight "I just need one of these"

I tighten my grip on him "I know what you mean"

After a few minutes of soaking up any bit of each other we can, we pull apart but I still keep ahold of his hand, afraid to let go.

"Tae, what happened between Seunghyung and me was..."

"Going to happen eventually and I shouldn't have let myself get my hopes up" he says smiling lightly "i know, I see that now...I guess I just thought with the way you were so attentive to me, or the way you were always holding onto me, like you're afraid I would disappear, made me think you liked me too"

I sigh, finally getting why the misunderstanding was made and I realize that i have to explain something to him that i myself, don't fully understand. "Tae, I’m going to tell you something, something i don't really talk about, but i want you to understand why i treat you like that" i whisper my voice feeling slightly choked. 'ok Jiyong, you can do this, be strong'

He looks deep into my eyes and nods lightly "ok, Ji. Go ahead, tell me"

I swallow hard, knowing what I have to do "I use to have a brother, a younger brother. We were close, closer than you and me if that is possible..." I glance over at him and he nods for me to continue "our family wasn't exactly the best family, so we relied on each other. I took care of him; fed him, clothed him, helped him with his homework... I loved him to the fullest extent you can love a person" I stopped feeling tears starting to pool.

"You took care of him... kind of like you take care of me" Taemin sits back finally getting it.

"You aren't a replacement for him, I swear to you that, but you remind me so much of him. From the very second I first saw you, I couldn't help but love you. I wanted to take care of you, protect you, and just be around you... I didn't think of there being a possibility of you seeing me as more than a brother, because that's how I see you, you're my brother, Tae"

Taemin looks me in the eyes "what happened to your brother Ji?"

My lip trembles and i look away as the tears finally spill over "I broke my promise, I couldn't protect him... he..." my voice broke and i couldn't say any more, i know i would lose it if i did.

"Shhh" Taemin wraps his arms around me, resting his head on my right shoulder "its ok, I understand, you don't have to say it"

"Tae, please don't leave me. I'll stay as far away from Seunghyun as possible, just please don't leave my side" I beg.

"Come on, Ji. You know me better than that, you're stuck with me... forever" Tae laughs a little, lightly punching my arm.

I turn and pull the boy into my arms, hugging him tightly, not ever wanting to let go. I may have failed Seungri, but I will never fail this boy. I will stay by his side and take care of him, because that's what brothers do.  
After a few minutes of just holding him in my arms, Taemin shivers slightly "are you cold?" I ask and he nods.

"Come on" I stand up and pull him with me, tucking him against my side with my arm wrapped around his shoulders. Protected from the world and safe in my arms.

....

"Ji, I don't want you to stay away from Seunghyun, I want you to be happy, and I saw how happy you looked yesterday before I stepped in" Tae says while I'm driving him back to his house. "i feel awful for how i acted yesterday, and I’m sorry. You should be with Seunghyun... i actually see now that you two are kind of perfect for each other"

I smile "don't worry about me, Tae. Just having you here makes me happy" I reach over and ruffle his hair.

"I mean it, Ji. He really likes you, like almost to a creepy level. He's always watching you, making sure you're safe and happy... he's like your own personal guardian angel. I've never seen my brother like this" he fixes me with a serious look "and though you deny it, I know you like him to"

I blink at the road, Seunghyun watches over me? How could I miss that? And how many times has he helped me or protected me that I haven't noticed? My cheeks grow hot when I think of Seunghyun watching me, or holding me in his arms protectively.

"See, just thinking about him make you all flustered" Taemin giggles pointing at my cheeks. "Seriously though, don't look back on this moment one day and wish you would have made a move, take a step forward and let yourself be loved"

I chuckle and shake my head "when did you grow up?" I ask glancing at him quickly.

"When you saved me" Taemin singsongs.

"Saved you?" I question, chuckling at him.

Taemin nods "in case you didn't noticed, Ji. I wasn't exactly in the best place when you found me" he says, dark thoughts passing through his eyes "you saved me in ways you can't even begin to understand"

I swallow hard and reach over grabbing his hand "I'll always be here, Tae. I'll always take care of you"

Tae giggles, pushing the darkness from his head "you bet your boots you will, I'm not letting you go anywhere. Ever. Again"

We laugh at this, and continue on through the dusk covered streets. This right here is why I will never let go of Taemin, my best friend, my brother. He tells me that I saved him, but in truth I think we saved each other.

....

"So I'll see you at school tomorrow?" Taemin asks as we sit outside of his house in my car.

I smile "of course, Tae. Make sure you bring your physics homework, because I know you've been struggling on it"

Taemin giggles "you know me too well"

I snort "I'll see you later Tae"

"K" he beams and opens the door.

Just as he was getting out of the car, none other than Seunghyun walks outside, making me feel that familiar kick in the stomach I always feel when he's around. Even though i know that i need to stay away from him from now on, i still feel my heart tremble at the sight of him. 'come on heart, we discussed this, we need to do what's best for everyone'

Taemin looks back at me and smiles "just talk to him"

I close my eyes tightly and sigh, shutting off my car and getting out. My giddy best friend giggles and bounces inside the house, offering me a wave before he disappears through the front door. I'm left alone with Seunghyun and it surprises me at how fast my heart is beating.

My lips still tingle from when he kissed me, and even though I was distracted by everything with Tae, the kiss is still heavily imprinted into my mind.

"He looks happy, I guess you guys made up" Seunghyun smirks.

I sigh "Seunghyun, what happened yesterday can't happen again"

"I know, Taemin is such a little cock block" He jokes.

I lock my jaw in frustration "this isn't a joke, I'm serious, what happened yesterday was a mistake"

"Oh, come on, let's not go that far" the smile on his face implies joking, but the look in his eyes is slightly terrified.

"It was a mistake" I snap "something that should never have happened"

Seunghyun steps back like he had just been struck and the hurt in his eyes is evident "don't say it like that, you kissed me back"

I roll my eyes to keep him from noticing my pain and look away "it doesn't change the fact that it shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry if you feel led on Seunghyun, but you know how I feel, maybe friends just isn't a good idea for us since you clearly can't handle being close to me"

The crumbling man in front of me sucks in a sharp breath "you don't mean that. I can control myself, I promise I will never cross that line again... just please don't push me away"

"I'm sorry, but we just need to part ways from this point on" I says emotionlessly "goodbye, Seunghyun"

He steps forward, grasping onto my wrist "please don't do this, please" he begs and I can hear the thickness in his voice signaling that he was close to tears.

I sigh "just let me go Seunghyun, you're better off this way, trust me"

I pull myself from him, and get in my car. I drive away, glancing in the rear view to see a frozen broken man, still standing on the sidewalk. My chest tightens and i bite my lip in attempt to keep my emotions stable.

I manage to make it a couple of blocks before I have to pull over, because tears are blocking my vision. I slap the steering wheel and let an angry scream leave my lips, before i start sobbing. I'm doing this for Seunghyun, for Taemin, and even for myself. My head is telling me that this is the right thing to do, so why does my heart disagree so damn much?


	7. Distance

~Jiyong~

"Please" Minji whines giving me her best puppy eyes.

I groan "come on, Minji. Can't I just have a normal weekend away from your friends?"

"Away from my friends, or away from Seunghyun?" She challenges.

I turn around glaring at her "don't bring him into this"

"How can i not, when that's clearly all that this is about? Come on, you've been ignoring him all week and he looks like a lost little puppy without you" She gives me a disapproving look, while i continue to glare at her "don't get me wrong, Ji, I’m all for bros before hoes, but i know you miss him. I can tell"

I look away 'have i made it that obvious?'

"I still don't want to go out clubbing with you and your stupid friends" i spit.

"You don't have to club, just be our designated driver" Minji smirks

I roll my eyes "you're not old enough to drink"

"Not according to my fake ID" she giggles "and you really wouldn't want your little sister to get into an accident, would you?"

"Oh, now you're younger?" I shake my head at her cunningness.

"When it works in my favor, yes" she smiles sweetly, way too sweetly.

I groan "i swear, you get this power from your mother, and you use it for evil"

She laughs and walks toward my door "what you see as evil, i see as fun. Now get dressed, we leave in an hour"

I breath out a breath "honestly this kid, unbelievable" but what was more unbelievable is that I actually did as she told me to and started to get ready.

....

We arrive at the club and it is packed full of people, but what else can you expect on a Saturday night in the middle of Seoul.

"Oh, there they are" Minji says after looking around for her friends.

The minute I look where she's pointing to, I zero in on a miserable looking Seunghyun. His head is lowered and he stares at the table, with a mixture of boredom and sadness etched into his face.

I sigh 'why does it hurt so much to see him like this?'  
"Come on" she says pulling me to the table. "Hey guys" Minji announces her presence loudly.

The whole table looks up smiling and greeting her enthusiastically, except for Seunghyun who finds me immediately, staring at me in surprise. Our eyes lock for a second and i catch myself longing to reach out and touch him, to force every last drop of sadness from his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, anything, but he remains silent while he stares at me.

"Ji's going to be our DD... if that alright?" Minji uncharacteristically sounds nervous and I wonder if my situation with Seunghyun is making it awkward with her friends. A wave of guilt spreads over me and I instantly regret agreeing to come here tonight.

"Minji, I'm going to go sit at the bar, just come find me when you're ready to leave" I tell her, having to yell slightly over the music.

She looks at me like she's about to protest but I walk away without giving her the chance. Honestly, I just wanted to be anywhere but here right now. 

I can feel Seunghyun’s eyes following me as i walk away, and i hate myself for the shiver of pleasure that slides up my spine at that knowledge.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Well that's freaking awkward. You ok, man?" Youngbae asks me, but I barely hear him because I focus in on Ji.

Ji reaches the bar and sits down, seeming like he wants to be anywhere but here at the moment. The last words he had spoken to me still burned in my head, stuck on an endless replay. “Just let me go Seunghyun, you're better off this way, trust me"

Had I really made him that angry? Was I just assuming that he liked me all this time? And most importantly, was I really going to let him push me away this time? So many questions swirl in my head of why he could be doing this, but the answers never seem to surface.

A battle has been waged between my heart and my head on the night he left me standing on the sidewalk, and had been raging ever since. I haven't been sleeping, eating, or functioning properly at all. 

I miss Jiyong, i want to hear his voice, even if he is just making some bitchy comment. I yearn to hear it in ways that I was surprise by the intensity of. My life was miserable without him, and i just wanted to be near him in any way possible. The worst part of it is that the one person who I knew could make me feel better, the one person who I wanted comfort from is the one person who did this to me in the first place. 'irony is a bitch, isn't it?' my head mocks me, making me feel even worse.

"Dude, he's not worth this" Youngbae says pulling me away from Ji momentarily. "you just need to let him go and move past this"  
I sigh, "you don't think I've tried? I've tried to forget about it, trust me my life would be a hell of a lot better if I could just forget about him and move on, but I can't... it's like the damn universe is pulling me to him, and there's nothing I can do"

"Have you tried talking to him since that night he basically told you to screw off?" Dae questions slinging an arm over Youngbae's shoulders, leaning against him.

"No, he will barely even look at me, let alone talk to me, Taemin said to give him some space, let him calm down... but it's been almost a week and he's still ignoring me" I huff out an annoyed breath "I just wish he would quit pushing me away, it's like one step forward two steps back"

Suddenly a hand pulls at my arm and i look up to find Minji pulling me out of my seat "what are you doing?" I ask.

"Come on, I have to talk to you" I allow her to drag me across the dance floor and into the slightly quieter hallway outside the restrooms.

"Ok, now...what?" I ask a little annoyed at her actions.

Minji glares at me "you know I'm on your side, don't give me that look" she snaps and I feel like a child being scolded for a second "now, Seunghyun, as I’m sure you're aware, my brother is a special case. Ji has a tendency to feel that everything is his fault, and he also feels like he's not good enough to be loved... So if he's putting this much effort into staying away from you, then you're really important to him" Minji states catching me off guard.

I'm important to Ji? But he acts like he hates me most of the time, so why... "Defense mechanism I guess" Ji's words echo through my head as my mind starts to put the pieces together.

Minji continues "I think the biggest reason he freaked out on you wasn't because of Taemin, but he was the catalyst that pushed him over the edge. Your brother is really important to mine, because he reminds him of Seungri. You we're a potential threat to Taemin, but you're a bigger threat to Ji. You can get past the walls he's been working for years to perfect, and that scares the hell out of him"

"What do you mean a threat and who is Seungri?" I ask feeling a little confused.

"As in you could break through his defenses... He's scared that if you see his scars you will leave him, and Ji will do everything possible to prevent that from happening, even if it means breaking his own heart. The way Ji sees it, it's better to push you away then to have you run away" Minji glances over at Ji, who we have a perfect view of from the spot were standing in 'clearly I'm not the only one keeping an eye him' 

She bites at her lip for a second before answering my second question "as for Seungri, you'll have to ask Ji that question"

I breath in deeply and lean back against the wall. I feel like I have just been punched in the stomach. After all this time, that possibility never once popped up in my head, that Ji pushed me away to protect me from himself. 'can someone really be that self-hating?'

I find my gaze back on Ji, and I breath out quickly "so what do I do?"

"Be the persistent pain in the ass we all know you can be, break down his defenses and show him that he deserves to be loved" Minji picks up her phone giving it a quick glance before looking back at me "please just don't give up on him, he's had to many people leave him, don't be one of them" she pats my arm then makes her way back out to the table, leaving me with racing thoughts and a tightness in my chest.

>>>>>

~Jiyong~

"Hey there cutie" a rough sounding voice greets me.

I turn to find a half drunken, mess of a human being trying to hit on me.

I sigh and turn back around "sorry, not interested"

"Oh come on, don't be like that baby" the man places an arm over my shoulder and i tense up to the point where it's painful.

"I think he said that he's not interested" a booming voice growls sending a shiver up my spine. I can't believe how much that voice makes my heart race, or how much I’ve missed it.

The guy removes his arm thankfully, swiveling around, wobbling a bit. "this isn’t any of your damn busi..." but stops talking when his eyes met Seunghyun, finally noticing that he is twice the drunks size "hey man, no problem, he's all yours" the drunk scampers away with his tail tucked tightly between his legs and I have to smirk at the sight of it.

"Something funny?" Seunghyun asks leaning against the bar next to me.

"Just people's reactions when they first meet you, tickles me. If only people knew that your personality doesn't match your face" I laugh lightly "But thanks, I didn't feel like beating the crap out of some random drunk tonight"

Seunghyun laughs "sure, Ji. you know I’ll always look out for you"

We sit in awkward silence for a few before something catches my eye, making me snort.

"What are you doing?" Seunghyun asks me humored at my behavior.

I smirk again "Observing"

"Observing what?"

"You see that guy over there?" I point in the direction of a guy who is clearly drunk off his ass about to make a fool of himself.

Seunghyun nods looking in that direction.

"He's about to go in for the 'surprise kiss' pickup" I snort

Seunghyun rolls his eyes a habit I think he might be picking up from me "Ok, so this is interesting because?"

I smile, focusing back on the mess of a scene "I'm waiting to see what type of 'drunk girl' meets him on the other side"

"Meaning?"

I laugh and begin to explain "The way I see it, there are five types of drunk girls; the 'you're hot, let’s do this', drunk girl, the 'you’re not attractive enough... Or as I like to call it, I'm not drunk enough' drunk girl, the 'you're not attractive, but I am drunk enough for this' drunk girl, and last but not least, my personal favorite 'you don't know me, you don't know my story' drunk girl... Which usually results in a very hard bitch slap to the face"

I snort again watching intently, to discover that he was met by the 'you don't know me, you don't know my story' drunk girl, and receives my call of a very hard slap to the face.

"Ha, called it" I exclaim, smiling wildly.

Seunghyun laughs "I've missed you"

I feel my face fall instantly at his words, I had forgotten about keeping my distance with Seunghyun and as always feel oh so comfortable with him to the point of letting my guard down. But I also feel terrible for what I said to him, I was really harsh, and I don't want to admit it but I really do miss him too.

"Seunghyun, I want to apologize for how I treated you the other night, I shouldn't have been so mean..."

"I get it, you were terrified of losing Taemin, I may not understand why you're so attached to him, but I do see that you care about each other a lot. You just got caught up in that fear and took it out on me" he says

I nod feeling more guilt seep into me "still I didn't want to hurt you, I wish there was a way that that everyone could be happy"

He laughs bitterly "unfortunately, Ji. The world is a heartless bitch that doesn't care about people being happy. It never fails to destroy you when it can"

"Don't think like that, what happened to optimistic Seunghyun?" i ask shocked to hear such a dark sentence come out of his mouth.

Seunghyun takes a large drink out of a glass that I don't think contains water "Last I heard he got his heart broken"

I sigh "I didn't want to hurt you" I hated to hear him talk like this, and I hate even more to think that I was the cause of it. 'I want my Seunghyun back' my head whines at me, and even though the thought surprises me, I know it’s the truth. I miss that goofy, annoying man-child that Seunghyun normally is.

"Well you did, Ji Have you ever thought that keeping me away from you is doing more damage than letting me in?" His tone is low, but holds a sharp ice to it, his anger coming across loud and clear.

I sit back on the bar stool, letting his words take effect. Something clicks in my head, I guess on my road to protecting Seunghyun I never thought about the damage I am inflicting along the way. Was I being stupid? Was I really doing all of this to no avail? Looking at him now, this is exactly the type of person i was trying to prevent him from becoming. Someone whose mind was filled with darkness and pain, but is pushing him away forcing him into the very place i don't want him to go?

"Yes, you're being stupid" Seunghyun answers my unsaid thoughts "you are trying to protect me. I get that... but in actuality you're just hurting me... it doesn't make sense to save someone from pain by causing them pain, Jiyong"

I sigh feeling defeated, he was right, none of this made sense. All of my attempts to push him away was just hurting everyone involved. Seunghyun had gotten under my skin, he had broken through so many of my walls. I miss him, I want to be around him all of the time, and dare I say I might even care deeply for him.

Finally, I just have to own up to it, there's no denying what was crystal clear, Seunghyun had gotten to me, he had broken through without even really trying, and that is what scared me. Everything with Taemin had been an excuse. Though I don't want to hurt my best friend, I know Tae will bounce back quickly... The truth is I’m terrified to let Seunghyun in because... What if he didn't like the person who has been locked away inside of me for so very long?

"You're right" I whisper looking down at the bar, I know he is listening closely, but I can’t bring myself to look at him "this doesn't make sense anymore, but then again nothing about us does"

"No, Ji. Everything about us shouldn't make sense, but for some odd reason we fit together like we were made to be that way" he says moving closer to me and placing a hand over mine.

I don't flinch like I normally do when people touch me and I know that this is what he is talking about, this connection we have had from the very moment we met each other. I wanted to be with Seunghyun then, and I still do now. The force that constantly pulls me to him is almost too strong to bear sometimes. I can't keep fighting this anymore, i just want to give in, what is the point of keeping Seunghyun away if I’m just hurting him anyways?

"I'm tired of pushing you away" I whisper my words laced with vulnerability.

"Then quit pushing. Let me in, Ji" he leans forward placing his hand on my cheek.

I close my eyes and breath in a shaky breath, letting the warmth from his hand spread through me. I want this man in front of me, in every way possible and this feeling scares, but also electrifies me.  
I slowly open my eyes to meet Seunghyun's dark, intense ones. His eyes that send shivers up my spine just by being the focus of, his eyes that make me melt every time they convey the love he has for me, and his eyes that make me feel grounded and safe because I know they will always tell me the truth.  
Seunghyun leans forward and places a light kiss on my lips, then pulls back searching my face for my reaction. Honestly, I don't want him to stop, I want to pull him close to me and finally claim him as my own, but the tremble in my fingers tells me I’m not ready for this.

"Can you give me some time?" I ask

His eyebrows knit together "time?"

I sigh "I just need some time to figure things out, this kind of just hit me, and I'm confused, and I just..."

"Of course, take your time. Just please don't distance yourself from me anymore" he pleads.

I shake my head "I'm not sure if that's possible anymore"

He beams, but it quickly turns into a shy smile "can I kiss you again?"

I swallow hard, but nod giving him the go ahead to lean in and place his lips on mine. It’s deeper this time, and more heated, my hand moves up to his hair so I can pull him against me more.

He brakes the kiss and pulls back, despite my protesting whines. Seunghyun chuckles "sorry Ji, but I think we have an audience"

He glances over and I follow his eyes to find a table full of his and Minji's friends gawking at us. Some wear fan girl smile’s, and are giggling while others just sit there with their mouths wide open... My sister of course being among the fangirls.

I clear my throat and bite my lip "that's awkward"

Seunghyun grabs my chin and makes my look away from our spectators "don't worry about the others, all that matters is you and me right now"

I nod and place my forehead against his "what are you doing to me?"

Seunghyun chuckles "I'm breaking down your walls, Ji, and I won't stop till I find you"

>>>>

I backed against the wall, shaking violently, staring into his violent charcoal eyes.

"You should learn to listen to me, Jiyong. I'm beginning to lose my patience with you" his voice rasped, as the smell of cheap alcohol wafted through in the air.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident" I pleaded, trying to make my case.  
"Accident my ass, I think you do things like this on purpose you little shit, just to piss me off" he spat at me, curling his lip up in disgust. "Clearly my point isn't getting across with just the normal methods anymore"

My eyes widen I terror, what does he mean by that? What is he going to do to me?

He leans forward pressing his hand against the side of my face, causing my lip to tremble "you know you've always been a pretty boy, especially when you wear that eyeliner like the little faggot you are"

A whimper leaves my lips "please, I swear I won't do it again, please just let me go"

He smirks "now how would I teach you a lesson if I let you go" his hand slides down my cheek to my throat, and continuing down till he reached my hip "you'll learn one of these days to listen, even if I have to fuck it into you"

A tear slides down my cheek "please don't do this"

Both of his hands slid down my thighs, caressing them in an almost tender way that made my stomach churn, and forced a strangled sob to leave my lips "shut up you little shit, you're nothing but a fuck up, you did this to yourself, this is your fault"

My body continues to shake violently and tears start to flow down my cheeks, as his hands roam all over my body, leaving behind a feeling of disgust and shame.

"Unless you would like to volunteer your brother to take your punishment? He's sleeping just down the hall, I'm sure he would be fun to punish" he suggests cockily.

My eyes widen and a fear spreads through me worse than before "no, don't. I'll do it, just p-please don't touch him"

He chuckles "that's a good little fuck up" then his hands find their way to my zipper.

I awake shooting straight up, gasping for air. My body shakes, and I feel cold, in fact my body is freezing, but sweat pours down my face, and has drenched my shirt.

I glance at the clock on my bedside table, looking at the time, that reads 4:42am. I breath out a shaky breath and move my blankets aside, then climb out of bed. With wobbly legs, I force myself to the bathroom, where I turn on the shower and strip out of my cloths.

I let the bathroom fill with steam before I climb in, feeling my body relax as the warm water rolls over me. I sigh, and drop to my knees, then sit back pulling my knees to my chest, as the water falls over me. I take deep breaths, and slightly rock back and forth, hoping the water will work today, I really didn't want to skip school. Actually, I want to go, I want to see Seunghyun more than anything now.

My eyes close, and I can feel a warm wetness on my cheeks that I know isn't from the shower. Leaning over, so I can rest my body against the shower wall, a sigh leaves my lips in exhaustion.  
After a while, the water starts to cool, and i know I will have to get out so i can get ready for school. I stand up, wash my hair and body, then turn the water off, and step out. Working all on autopilot.  
I step up to my mirror, wiping the steam off the glass. I stare at my reflection for a few minutes. 'you're nothing but a fuck up' echoes through my head, and suddenly my eyes turn a deep brown, almost black. They’re not my eyes, they are his eyes staring back at me.

I shut my eyes quickly "this isn't real, this isn't happening. Calm down, breath"

I open my eyes again and find my light, almond brown eyes gazing at me. Heaving a sigh of relief, I sag against my bathroom counter. 'come on Ji, keep it together, just think about seeing Seunghyun today'  
Before I know it, a smile finds its way to my lips, and I start to get ready for my day, the only thing getting me through is the knowledge that I will be with Seunghyun soon enough.

.....

"Good morning" Seunghyun greets me, as i step out of my car.

A shy smile finds its way to my lips "morning"

Concern quickly lights up his features "you look tired, are you ok?"

I sigh "just had a bad dream, I’m alright"

He places a hand on my cheek, and i sigh leaning into its warmth "Ji, you're freezing"

I nod "i woke up that way, just a little chilled i guess"

"Is this what it's going to be like all the time now? Do i not even exist to you anymore?" Taemin's voice rings out, breaking Seunghyun and me out of our happy bubble we had created.

Seunghyun growls "maybe you should follow example, and go get your own boyfriend"

My eyes widen and I freeze, while Seunghyun does the same, before starting to stutter out an excuse "i-i, didn't mean boyfriend... it just came out"

I smile, relaxing some "i don't exactly hate the sound of that... but maybe it's a little too soon"

Seunghyun’s lips pull into a quick “O”, then a bright smile stretches across his face "don't worry, I'm patient"

"Gross, just so gross" Taemin says pulling out his inner diva and I’m almost proud of him.

I break away from Seunghyun feeling a little disappointed at the lost contact and grab onto Taemin’s arm "oh come on, Minnie. You know i love you"

Taemin tries to fake his disgust a little longer, but eventually gives in with a face splitting grin, and turn, hugging onto my neck "i love you too, JiJi"

"Ok, now its my turn to call gross" Taemin sticks his tongue out at Seunghyun and hooks his arm in mine leading us into the school.  
.......

It is an unusually sunny day outside for February, so i decided to make my way outside to enjoy the sun for lunch. I sit my back up against the large tree in the courtyard and place my headphones in, turning on some relaxing music.

Seughyun comes up to me, blocking my sun momentarily forcing me to look up. He smiles down at me when i pull out my earbuds "don't you look peaceful"

I sigh "it was peaceful" i say adding emphasis on the 'was' implying that he is disturbing my happy bubble.

He laughs "so I’m guessing that smartass mouth doesn't go away even though we are closer now"

I smile as he sits down next to me "not really, you just kind of learn to find it endearing"

"oh, so that’s the trick to it" he jokes laying his head on my lap, and i don't really feel the need to push him away. I let my hand find its way to his hair and start running my fingers through, taking notice at how soft it feels.

A content sigh leaves his lips, and we sit there for a few minutes, enjoying the combination of each other’s company and the deliciously warm sun. Suddenly he lifts his head and try's to reposition himself, then groans "Ji, i don't want to sound mean, but your legs are rock hard, I can't get comfortable" he reaches up and starts squeezing my thighs with his hands "do you work out, or something?"

I tense and before I know what's happening, I have Seunghyun’s face pushed into the ground, with his left arm tucked up on his shoulder blades and my knee resting forcefully on the center of his back. I suck In a breath when I realize what i just did, and recoil from him quickly, backing up against the tree and pulling my knees up to my chest.

My eyes widen and I start to shake "I-I'm s-sorry" I stutter.

Seunghyun gets up quickly, kneeling in front of me, worry plastered all over his face "it's ok Ji, honestly. I'm fine" he holds up his hands reassuringly letting me observe the damage.

I started to shake harder, how could I have done that to Seunghyun?... But more importantly why? My dream from last night invades my head, and i remember his hands all over me, forcing my eyes to tear up slightly.

"It's ok, Ji. It happens... Now I know, thighs are a no touch zone" he says smiling at me, attempting to crack a joke.

I shake my head "this is what i don't want to happen, i don't want my problems to affect you like this" I whisper.

Seunghyun look deep into my eyes "I’m fine, Ji. Please don’t shut me out now. We were doing so well"

"And as always i ruin everything... I’m damaged Seunghyun" we stare at each other for a second, seeming to digest my words.

I jump up from my position on the ground and look down at Seunghyun who's eyes are filled with confusion and caution, then sigh feeling like I didn't have to say it. We both knew what my actions were saying. I walk away from the tree, quickly moving as far away from him as possible, and enter the school.  
I nearly run down the hallway, I need to get away from him right now. No matter how much I care for him and no matter how much it hurts both of us, Seunghyun can't know about my past, because if he knows, he'll leave. Watching him walk away because i told him to will hurt, but the thought of him walking away because he's repulsed by me, will destroy what's left of my heart.

My dream last night made this crystal clear, reminding me that I don't get the happy ending, that I don't get to ride off into the sunset, living happily ever after, and what happened outside only proved that more. Seunghyun deserves better than me. He is too close to finding the person hiding behind these walls I put up. I can't let him see me, I can't let him find out how damaged I really am.  
Suddenly I feel a hand wraps around my wrist and pulls me back not so delicately. I let out a yelp of surprise when Seunghyun pushes me up against the nearby wall. The amount of hurt and desperation in his eyes makes me feel like a knife is twisting in my chest over and over. I had done it again, I had hurt him.

"Seung..." I started, but he cuts me off as he always does.

"No, Ji, you listen for once. I'm so tired of you pushing me away when this is clearly what you want. Why are you like this? Why are you so kind and gentle one minute, but then so cold and distant the next?" Seunghyun pleads, his eyes start to form an emotion that surprised me a little, he is angry. "Damn it, Ji. Tell me the truth. Please, for once let me in"

"Seunghyun, you should stay away from me, you don't need someone like me in your life" I whisper.

He slams his hand on the wall next to me, prompting my eyes to widen and my heart to quicken. 'it's fine, he's not going to hurt you, you're safe' I repeat over and over in my head, but the desire to drop into my safe place is becoming too much.

"Don't tell me what I do and don't need, Jiyong, because weather I understand it or not, I do need you, Ji. It's painful to be away from you. When we're apart it feels like all of the oxygen has been sucked from the room, and like someone is constantly stabbing me in the chest... I need to be beside you, Ji. Please quit pushing me away"

I whimper "don't do this, I'm trying to protect you"

"Quit talking about yourself like you're a monster, Ji" he orders loudly "you're not a bad person, you are kind, caring, and pure, so quit telling yourself otherwise"

"But I'm not, Seung. I'm tainted, I'm bad for anyone around me..."

"Damn it, Ji. Stop this" Seunghyun yells, and slams his hand against the wall behind me once more.

I gasp lightly and shut my eyes tightly 'you're fine, you're safe, breath Ji, breath' before I can stop it, I drop to the ground, curling into a tight ball, and rocking back and forth.

I hear Seunghyun gasp, then i feel his breath against my neck "Ji, what's wrong? Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry with you. Please stop, you're freaking me out" I hear Seunghyun's panicking voice, causing me to open my eyes to look at him, but I just can't pull myself together.

"Get away from him" a high-pitched voice screams, and Minji appears in front of me in a crouch. "Ji, it's ok, you're safe... shhh, no one is going to hurt you"

"What's wrong, why is he acting like this?" Seunghyun asks sounding broken, and panicked.

"You'd act like this too if some jackass started screaming at you, bringing back memories of sixteen years of physical and emotional abuse" Minji yells, only to slap a hand over her mouth in shock of what she just said.

My eyes bulge and I start to shake 'oh god...He knows now, he knows, and now he's going to leave me" my lip starts to tremble and I can feel tears starting to pool up. 'You wanted this stupid, you wanted him to leave you' I whimper 'no, no I didn't. All this time, i just wanted him to love me, please don't let him leave me' I continue to fight with myself.

"Ji, is this true?" Seunghyun's voice asks, sounding strangled "did someone hurt you?"

I don't answer, I just shake and rock myself back and forth. I am starting to unravel and I don't know how to stop it.

Abruptly, I feel strong, protective arms wrap around me and pull me off the ground. I don't push him away, instead I curl into his safe embrace, whimpering slightly at the feeling of his arms enveloping me. I don't know where he's taking me, but I don't care, he's here, he's not running away, and he's holding me in his arms.

"I told you before, you're stuck with me whether or not you like it... is this what you've been afraid of, that I'll hurt you?" his deep, voice whispers in my ear.

I shake my head against his chest "no, I was afraid that once you found out how messed up I was that you would leave... I have problems, Seung. One's that won't go away overnight... No one should have to deal with that"

Seunghyun tightens his arms around me "I'm not going anywhere, Ji. I promise, I am not going to leave you"

I take in a deep breath, feeling a deep ache at his words in my chest, because at those words I feel the last of my defenses that we're keeping him out, crumble. I know in this instant that Seunghyun is in, and there will be no way of getting him out.

'Please let what he says be the truth' I beg with any form of higher power that might hear me 'please don't let him leave me'  
Seunghyun sits down with me on his lap, and I look up to realize we are in the library on one of the reading couches. I glance back at him and see the sadness in his eyes, but it isn't pity. it is almost a sort of helplessness.

"Don't" I say placing a hand on his cheek. He leans into my palm, sighing contently "don't look at me like that. It's been two years, I'm alright"

"I'm so sorry for yelling at you like that, I shouldn't have..."

"No, stop... don't ever apologize for treating me like any other person, my scars may run deeper than others, but I just want to be like everyone else" I place my arms around his neck and pull myself closer to him, letting his warmth and scent invade my senses, calming me.

He sighs, but doesn't say anything else, he just lets himself be pulled against me.

"Seung?" I whisper.

"Yes?" His deep voice sounds relaxed, peaceful even.

"I'm sorry, i just got scared... i didn't mean to hurt you again"

Seunghyun grasps my chin and forces me to look him in the eyes "you can hurt me a thousand times, Ji, and i will be fine as long as you always come back to me"

I lean in closer to him so our lips were inches from each other "always, Seung"

He closes in the rest of the distance and forces his lips against mine, saying everything that there was left to say. There is a desperation in the kiss, a type of need that we had pushed away from each other’s view that was now making its obvious appearance. I know i can't leave him now, it may be selfish of me, and i may sound weak but i need him. We are stuck together, condemned to deal with my demons as they come out of the woodwork. I just hope that they didn't destroy both of us along the way.

We break the kiss and i rest my head against his shoulder "Will you rub circles over my back?" I ask feeling like a child, but I just need that extra comfort.

I can feel his body tense in surprise, but he obliges and places his hand on the middle of my back. I suck in an unwilling breath and tense. He lifts his hand away slightly, but I shake my head, prompting him to put it back in place.

He starts to move his hand in a circle slowly at first, but gradually speeds up to a calming pace. I feel my body relax, as I melt into his arms. I bury my face in his neck, and I swear I almost hear a light moan escape Seunghyun’s lips. I'm unsure of how long we stay like that, but eventually the bell rings signaling the end of lunch.

"We have to go" I whisper into his neck.

I hear him sigh "I know" but we don't move, I wasn't ready to leave my safe place, and he wasn't ready to let me go.  
"Seung" I finally pull away, to look into his eyes, they were full of happiness and love. I smile, and lean forward kissing him on the cheek "we really need to go"

He beams at me "ok" he stands up with me in his arms, forcing a giggle from my lips. "I love that sound" he says staring at me in shock and awe.

I blush "I might make it more now, if you're going to be sticking around"

"I'll follow you anywhere just to hear that one more time" he says, in a serious manor.

I close my eyes soaking in every bit of Seunghyun I can, then release my hold on his neck. He understands and finally puts me down, but grabs my hand in exchange.

I shake my head, but the smile never leaves my lips "hopeless"

"Only for you, baby, only for you" he leans his forehead against mine, before placing a feather lite peck on my nose, then pulls away and leads me out of the library.

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

We step into the hallway to find Minji leaning against the wall outside the doors, looking like a complete wreck.

"Oh my gosh, Ji are you ok? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out in front of everybody... I'm so sorry" Minji sobs in front of her brother.

"It's fine Minj, honestly I don't know how we managed to keep it a secret up until now, don't be sorry" he looks up at me and smiles "I'm alright actually"

Minji looks from her brother to me a couple of times, then a bright smile erupts across her face. "I so called it"

Ji squeezes my hand and starts to pull me down the hallway, with Minji walking beside us, smiling brightly.

In a million years, I never expected this to happen. I never expected that Ji would let me in, in only a matter of minutes and all I had to do was prove that I wasn't going to leave him.

I have a feeling that there is still a lot of ground to cover, and obstacles to get over before he fully lets me in, but I know if he allows it, I will never leave his side. Because now I know, I have completely fallen in love with Kwon Jiyong, and there is no way I'm ever letting him go.


	8. Till i fall asleep

~Jiyong~

The phone rang a couple of times and for a second i am worried that maybe he won't pick up, maybe I shouldn't be calling him. It had only been a couple of days since we officially started dating and I'm unsure if calling him in the middle of the night is acceptable. What if he gets mad at me, what if he's one of those people that gets cranky if they don't get enough sleep. Though I had to admit that the thought of a cranky Seunghyun is kind of cute, I'm kind of mentally freaking out.

Relief surges through me when his low, and i have to admit very sexy voice, huskily answers the phone, washing me clean of any paranoid worry.

"I'm sorry to wake you" i say feeling regret for calling him now.

I am being stupid, I've never needed to rely on other people's comfort before, after I have a bad dream, so why am I suddenly craving Seunghyun's?

He chuckles, but i can tell there's an edge to it "you ok?"

I swallow a little thickness in my throat and decide to be honest with him. There's no point in shutting him out now, specially since I don't think i can anymore "just a bad dream... i wanted to hear your voice"

"Do you have those often?" he asks, concern heavy in his voice and I hear some shuffling on his side of the line.

I sigh "some nights are worse than others"

He's silent for a minute, and all i can hear is his light breathing "i wish i was there with you" he whispers suddenly catching me of guard.

I open my mouth to say something sarcastic about him being clingy, but then I realize that I want the same, i want him here with me, holding me in his arms, making all of the darkness disappear.

"Me to" a light breathy laugh leaves my lips "I think the best night of sleep I've ever gotten was when you stayed with me that one night"

He chuckles cockily "so you admit it, you liked me being there?"

I roll my eyes "yes, I admit it... you kept me warm"

"Oh, I've actually been curious about that, why are you always so cold?" he asks truly sounding interested.

I bite my lip wondering if I should tell him about it, and eventually I decide to go with more honesty, he knows so much already, so why hide anything else "My therapist say's it's psychological, that my body actually lowers it's temperature because it feels incomplete or something like that... the way he explains it is better"

Silence again and I find myself worried that I had said to much, maybe I was being a little too honest "Ji?"

"hmm?" I hum in response, still obsessively questioning if I had said something wrong.

"I'm going to make you whole again, i promise" he states in a tone that makes me believe him completely.

His words immediately quiet my mind and my eyes become blurry. Before i can understand it, i suddenly feel desperate to have him here next to me. I want his deep voice in my ear telling me that everything is going to be alright, I want his strong arms around me making me feel safe and warm, and I want to see his smoldering eyes promising me the world.

"Ji, i'm feeling sleepy" Seunghyun says in a light yawn.

I sigh "i shouldn't have woken you, i'll let you get back to sleep"

"No, i want to stay with you till you fall asleep, stay on the line with me" he says, and i can hear the smile in his voice.

"Ok" is all i can say as a tear escapes and rolls down onto my pillow. I set the phone on the pillow next to me, the one he would use if he was here and put it on speaker phone.

How many times is this boy going to save me? How many times will i never feel like i deserve him? And how many times will i find myself falling deeper in love with him? As i start to listen to the rhythm of Seunghyuns breathing, my eyelids start to gain heaviness, and i feel my body relax to the point that i'm drifting off to sleep.

Before the sweet beckoning of sleep fully pulls me under, i hear a deep voice whisper to me "goodnight baby" and then i surrender.

......

"Ji, come on, wake up" a voice that I'm not used to this early, lures me awake "Wakey wakey" the deep voice beckons with amusement lacing his words

My eyelids flutter open and i stretch slightly, groaning at how tight my muscles feel from being still for so long. Did I sleep all night? I never sleep this long.

"Oh, is that my Ji i hear?" Seunghyun's voice floats into the room, caressing me like a warm hug.

"Seunghyun?" i question in my morning fuzz, until the events of last night flash through my head "oh, i forgot you were on the phone" i giggle.

I hear him sigh "i love that sound"

"Why didn't you just hang up when you woke up?" i ask feeling a little embarrassed.

Again the smile in his voice can be heard "i wanted to be here when you woke up... and you better be thankful because my family is staring at me like i'm insane right now"

My eyes widen "your family?"

"Yeah, we're having breakfast, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin, and Taemin of course" he chuckles at my distress and then i hear Tae's high pitched voice in the background telling me "hi"

I laugh "good morning Tae, and though I'm loving every damn minute of this embarrassing situation, i need to go get ready for school"

He joins me in my laughter "there's my Ji, i'll let you get ready, though it would be more interesting to stay on the phone while you take a shower" he jokes and i roll my eyes, but wince when i hear a woman exclaim Seunghyuns name and a loud slapping noise, followed by deeper laughter from my mess of a boyfriend... Wait... boyfriend? I think I might really like the sound of that'

"I've got to go babe, i'll see you at school" Seunghyun says once he's calmed down.

A heat rushes over my cheeks and i have to bite my lip from making any embarrassing happy noises 'he called me babe' "ok, i'll see you there, bye"

"Bye Ji" i can hear that stupid secret smile of his in his voice and i glare at the phone after i press the end call button. Even after everything, i still hate that damn smile.

.....

"Did you have anymore bad dreams last night?" Seunghyun asks me while i'm helping Taemin with his homework at lunch.

I shake my head and smile shyly "actually i slept very well after i called you"

"You have bad dreams?" Taemin asks with a worried expression "you've never called me before"

I blush and Seunghyun grabs my hand, grinning like an idiot. I roll my eyes and lean over giving him a kiss on the cheek, but he turns quickly and grabs the back of my head, pulling me against his lips hungrily. His lips move against mine, slowly, but a passion accompanies them that is too hard to deny. Abruptly i feel his tongue slide against the space in between my lips and i gasp, allowing him the entrance he's asking for. His tongue slides into my mouth, devouring me mercilessly, leaving no surface untouched. A moan slips from my throat snapping me out of it, and i pull back, breathing harshly.

Seunghyun chuckles, but his face is beat red "sorry, i think i got a little carried away"

"Ok, i wish i could say gross, but that was straight up hot" Taemin says staring at Seunghyun and me, as we both try to regain our breathing and stable heartrates.

I giggle somewhat hysterically and look down at the table with my cheeks set to blaze "shut up"

"Don't laugh like that, unless you want to shame this library" Seunghyun's voice flutters into my ear in the form of a husky whisper.

A shiver runs up my spine, and i have to swallow hard. A pulsating heat is spreading through my body, the type of heat that scares the hell out of me but also thrills me at the same time.

I know my face is nearly glowing at this point "d-don't say things like that"

He chuckles and sits back in his chair, i didn't even have to look, and in fact i didn't want to, because i know that stupid smile of his will be wide across his face. 'Stupid Seunghyun and his ability to completely disarm me'

....

"Go on in, i'll see you after class" i say standing outside of the gym.

Seunghyun pouts "but i don't want to go"

I breath out a laugh and shake my head "quit being cute, go to class"

Seunghyun lights up "i'm cute?"

I roll my eyes "you're adorable, now go"

He leans down and gives me a quick peck on the lips "i'll be waiting"

"I'm not sure if i'll ever get use to that" Youngbae says making both of us jump. The blond haired boy walks past us, shaking his head humored.

"How's it going with you and Dae?" Seunghyun asks him in an insinuating tone, which was answered by Youngbae's middle finger before he disappears into the gym

"Does he not like talking about his boyfriend?" i ask, confused about the exchange.

Seunghyun raises his eyebrows "his boyfriend?"

"Yeah, it's that brown haired guy right, i think i hear you guys call him Dae all the time. They are cute together, he shouldn't be embarrassed" i say looking after Seunghyun's friend.

Suddenly Seunghyun breaks out into roaring laughter, to the point where he's bending over grasping at his knees "you" he cracks up again "thought they were" more laughter "dating?"

I shrug "arn't they, it's kind of obvious that they are into each other"

"Oh god, i have to tell Bae, i'm going to give him so much shit for this" Seunghyun wipes away the tears that had formed from his laughter.

I open my mouth a little "no, i don't want him to be embarrassed... please don't... I want him to like me"

His laughter dies down when he see the seriousness in my eyes "ok, i won't, but only because i like you"

I roll my eyes once again "go to class before you're late"

"Yes sir" he says putting his hand to his forehead in a poor excuse for a salute, then kisses me once more before running into the gym.

I shake my head at the childlike man, and watch him run across the gym 'seriously, what am i going to do with you?'

.........

"Excuse me sir, do you know where i can find an incredibly cute guy, with a terribly smart mouth?" a voice breaks me out of my concentration on my math homework.

Without looking up, i know immediately that the voice belongs to my idiot of a boyfriend "what are you doing out of class?"

He laughs "coach told me to sit out for the rest of class, he said i could sit in here... i don't think he knew that it wasn't a good idea to put me and you in a small room alone together... though i'm not complaining"

My heart pounds against my chest a couple times at the images he was presenting and I finally look up "why did he tell you to sit ou..." but i trailed off when i see the bag of ice resting on his wrist. I jump up out of my seat "are you ok? what happened? did someone do this to you?"

Seunghyun chuckles "so you do care" he says with an overbearing amount of excitement.

I can't help the smile that finds my lips "idiot"

He leans forward and places a lite peck on my lips "i'm fine, i get hurt a lot more than i should, i wasn't paying attention, and it was my fault... cover everything?"

I narrow my eyes "you're one of those 'accident waiting to happen' type of people, aren't you?"

"Yep, and now you're stuck with me" he sticks his tongue out at me, and i flick the ice pack resting on his wrist causing him to wince.

"Sit" i order pointing at the other chair in the room.

He obeys, and i get back to my homework, which wasn't easy to concentrate on with him here.

"You know, it's called Homework for a reason" he says adding extra emphasis on the 'home' part.

"I have things to do after school, and i'm usually too tired after i come home, so i like to get it all done before i get there" i say finally getting back into my work.

"What do you do after school that makes you that tired?" he asks knitting his eyebrows together.

I glance up at him "i usually go out and meet random guys at bars to have large amounts of sex till i'm tired enough to come home and crash"

His eyes narrow slightly and I can see a stirring of an emotion I didn't expect Seunghyun to posses... He's jealous.

"Joke?" He askes, his tension apparent in just one word.

I sigh "of course it's a joke, i don't like being touched remember"

Relief spreads across his face, and i try to force my lips from turning up, while I look back down at my paper "right... can i ask you a question without you getting mad at me?"

I sigh understanding that I just need to give up on doing my work now and place my pencil down, giving him my full attention "go ahead, but i can't make any promises"

He bites at his lip "are you a....a virgin?"

My eyes widen at the question, not prepared for it, but i know i have to answer honestly "no"

His jaw tightens "so you have let someone touch you before?"

I swallow and cross my arms over my chest, our conversation was going into dangerous territory, but I just can't bring myself to lie to him.

"No" I deadpan and our eyes gaze at each other, as i try to communicate what i was saying without actually saying the words out loud.

"Who?" he whispers, his eyes dangerously serious.

Finally i have to look away, his gaze is bringing emotions to the forefront that I didn't care to show in front of him "he was suppose to be my stepfather, but he didn't really care for the role"

Seunghyun takes in a deep, shaky breath "and he touched you, in ways other than just hitting you?" He knows the answer, but he has to hear it out loud, he needs to hear me say it... I know this feeling... it wasn't to long ago that I was asking the same questions.

I feel tears starting to pool, and my lip trembles "yes" i say so quietly it's barley audible, but it rings through the air like a gunshot.

I don't exactly know when he moved, or how I didn't notice, but I feel Seunghyuns arms quickly pick me up like a child and sits us back down so i'm cradled in his lap. He snakes his arms around my body, rocking us back and forth as i cling to him tightly. He rubs circles over my back, and i feel a wave of calm crash into me. Though my tears that had overflowed, refused to slow.

"Shh, it's ok baby, i'm right here" he hushes me "you're safe, i'm not going anywhere"

I tighten my hold on him and let a small sob leave my lips. All of the pain, and anger i have held in over the years for my stepfather, everything i held back is now flowing out of me. I feel vulnerable and exposed, but sitting here in Seunghyun's lap i felt safe, and content.

I had finally told someone, and it ended up being a man who I had known for less than a month, but somehow I feel like I've known him my whole life.

I keep tracking the progress of our relationship, trying to see if it follows the normal progression of other teenage relationships, but now I understand. Seunghyun and my relationship isn't like other people's our age because Seunghyun and I aren't like other people our age. We have been through things in our life that would crush normal people, even though Seunghyun hasn't told me much about his past, I can see it in his eyes, constantly haunting him.

Maybe that's why we have built this dependency and need for each other within a matter of weeks, because we see each other clearer than anyone else ever has. He sees my pain and my scars and doesn't shy away from them, while I see the ghosts that follow him around, threatening to pull him into darkness any second, but I refuse to run away.

Tears still roll down my cheeks angry and bitter "i've never told anyone about it" I say pulling back to look him in the eyes.

"Even your family?" he asks, shocked.

I shake my head "no, they know about the abuse, but not about this, i think my dad has guessed, but he's never asked me... it's something I don't talk about"

"But you told me?" He questions and his eyes sparkle "do you trust me that much?"

I nod "more than anyone I've ever known, and I don't understand why exactly, but I do"

He places a hand on my cheek "I don't know why either Ji, but this has happened and I'm so thankful for it. I feel like this is where I belong, where I was always meant to end up... is with you"

I relish in his words, letting them flow around me, protecting me with a happy glow "we belong with each other"

He smiles at that and leans forward taking the truth from my lips with his. I feel his need for me in this kiss, I feel all of the emotions that mirror mine. To each other we are more than just merely boyfriends, we were each other's family, happiness, and even future. It may sound crazy to know for certain that Seunghyun is the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life so early in our relationship, but to the people that it mattered to, him and me, it made perfect sense.

Seunghyun moves forward pressing his body up against mine, and deepening our kiss. I responded happily, shoving my hands into his hair and pulling our lips together more forcefully. Our need for each other starts to take on a heated form, and my heart rate picks up warning me, but I just can't seem to listen while Seunghyun's lips abuses mine.

I feel his hand slid up from my knee to my thigh and I freeze, all of the air in my lungs exits like I had just been punched in the chest. I pull back as my hand shoots out and grabs his, lifting it off of me quickly, while I close my eyes and breath like I've just ran a marathon, trying my best to prevent the rising panic attack.

I sense Seunghyun's eyes on me and I can feel how tense his body is, 'maybe he's waiting for you to run again.' my mind mocks me, but I refuse to let those thoughts in, I made my decision, I'm not leaving Seunghyun again.

Seunghyun starts to rub circles over my back again and he leans forward resting his head on my shoulder. I feel calm enter my body, and my heart rate slows... he stopped another one. 'How do you always know exactly what i need?'

"S-sorry" I apologize when I have a better I hold on my breathing.

"Please tell me that bastered is in jail" Seunghyun's words rasp with an anger that makes me shutter.

My eyes pop open and he raises his head, our gazes connecting. I stare at him surprised to hear so much anger coming from someone who's usually so upbeat. Luckily, his anger softens slightly when I reach up and stroke my fingers over his bottom lip lightly

"He'll be there for a long time, don't worry about it" I say continuing to distract myself with my new fascination that is his perfect lips.

He nods, but seems to also be distracted by my actions "good, i don't know what would happen if i was able to get to him"

I laugh humorlessly "My dad said something similar while i was in the hospital, after my stepdad was arrested"

My loving boyfriend places a hand on my cheek "intimacy with us isn't going to be easy, is it?"

I shake my head "honestly it scares the hell out of me, when i feel those feeling for you"

He smiles shyly "but you do?"

I blush a deep red "you're actually the first person that i've ever been attracted to... trust me Seung, i want to...it's just going to take some time"

Seunghyun smiles and pushes a piece of hair away from my eyes "I'll wait, for you Ji, I'll wait forever"

.....

I reach over absentmindedly and grab Seunghyun's hand, but release it instantly when he winces "Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital" i ask, worried about him being in pain.

"It's fine, i've been through worse" he smiles and grabs my hand again, despite my protesting looks.

"Will you at least let me wrap it up?" i lift his hand up gently and kiss tenderly on the inside of his wrist.

We are standing outside of the school and i know people were gawking, but i don't care, my boyfriend is hurt and i just want to take care of him.

Seunghyun snorts "if you insist"

"Come on, i'll take you home later, you're coming home with me" i turn around and start to pull him to my car.

Minji beams leaning off her position up against my car when we reach it "were you just leaning against my baby?" i ask glaring at her.

She rolls her eyes "it's fine, no damage done"

"Except for your ass mark that I'll have to clean off of him" i whine.

"Your car's a dude?" Seunghyun questions.

I turn to him "yes, he's to pretty to be a girl"

He chuckles "i worry about you sometimes"

I nod "you should" then step froward unlocking my doors. Seunghyun walks around to the other side of the car along with Minji.

"Go ahead and get in front" Minji says

"That's fine, you can sit up front" Seunghyun motions for her to claim the seat next to mine.

"Trust me, i would rather sit in back" she says when her eyes meet my narrowed one's

Seunghyun shakes his head at me amused but gets in the front and i smile victoriously, then slid in myself. I start my car and pull out of the parking lot heading home. I subconciously reach over and grab Seunghyun's hand and he laces his fingers in mine, while i rest them on the gear shift. About half way there, when i hear the sound of a camera, and my eyes flash to the rear view.

"What are you doing?" i ask the pain in the ass sitting in the back seat with a camera in her hand.

"Capturing memories" she giggles "one day, we can put them in one of those cheesy slide shows for your wedding reception"

My foot falters on the breaks and we jerk forward slightly "W-wedding?"

She giggles again "oh please, Seunghyun is the first person you've ever been interested in and i see the way you constantly obsess over him, and Seunghyun looks at you like you hold the answers to the universe... you two are lifers"

I swallow then glance over at Seunghyun, who looks just as flustered as i am, but then his eyes soften and he leans over to kiss me on the cheek "just ignore her... We don't have to have the slid show, it's a little tacky and overdone anyways"

My cheeks start to burn and i bite my lip shyly feeling a happy warmth spread through me, before i hear another camera click.

My eyes shoot to the rear view again, to find a fan girl smile on Minji's lips, while she points the camera at us.

"yah"

......

"Quit being a baby" i say to my incredily cute boyfriend who is pouting at this point, as i wrap up his wrist with a bandage.

"Where did you learn how to do this?" He asks looking down at my handy work.

I sigh "you get very good at taking care of injurys when going to the hospital results in a worse punishment than the one that landed you there"

Seunghyun sits back on the tub more trying his best not to get angry at my comment "you're being very honest with me, i figured it would be harder to get answers out of you"

"I've never been dishonest with you" I inform him.

"But you've also never told me the truth till now" he counters.

I nod "true, i don't know, i guess i just feel more comfortable with you now, like i dont have to hide myself, because you promised you wouldn't leave... i mean i just told you something about my past that would have normal people running for the hills"

Seunghyun gives a short laugh "i'm not exactly normal myself, in case you missed that"

I snort "oh trust me, i didn't miss that" i tape off his bandage and kiss the inside of his wirst on top of the wrap.

Seunghyun pouts "i can't feel that, take it off"

I snort at his childish behavior "you'll just have to settle for kissing my lips then"

Seunghyun grins devilishly "Deal" then he picks me up around the waist with his good arm and I instinctively wrap my legs around his, as carries me to my bed, lays me down lightly, and flops down beside me.

I giggle like crazy and look over at him to see him staring at me "what?" i ask breathlessly.

"you're adorable Ji, everything you do leaves me amazed" he leans down and nuzzles his nose in my neck.

I hum at the feeling of it and grab the sides of his head in my hands, forcing him up to look at me "Seung...you make me really happy"

The manchild next to me grins wildly and leans in capturing my lips, creating a perfect rythem that we easily synch to. Once again his tongue slides against my lips and i don't hesitate to grant him entry this time. His tounge invades my mouth, hot and wet, taking no prisioners. A moan leaves my lips and he reacts to it, by rolling over so he's hovering over me, our bodys pressed together exchanging heat and some sort of electrical charge. One of his hands slids behind my head, while the other slowly slides down my upper body. I tense but let him continue his exploration for a little while longer, I'll stop him when he gets to...

"Woah" someone calls out. Seunghyun and i seperate and i look over to find my dad standing by the door with a hand over his eyes. "warn a dad before he walks in on something like this, i mean a sock on the door or a curtisy 'hey i'm going to go make out with my boyfriend, so knock before you come in' mention earlier, would have been great"

I roll my eyes "i like the thrill of possibly getting caught, it makes things more interesting"

At the sound of my voice, my dad takes his hand away from his eyes and stares at us humored. I'm pretty sure my mind is playing with me, but I could have sworn I also saw a flash of relief pass by, but quickly push it from my thoughts.

Seunghyun snorts "but not being cockblocked is quiet intersting too" then his eye widen when he realizes what just came out of his mouth "um...sorry sir.. i just meant that..."

My dad barks a laugh, stopping Seunghyuns stumbling "i like this kid, he'll fit in well here, and please call me Hyun Suk"

The previously nervous boy who had awakwardly wiggled his way off of me, smiles brightly "sure Hyun Suk"

My dad smiles adoringly at my boyfriend "oh Hwa Yun wanted me to inform you that we are having your favorite, Dakgangjeong, for dinner, and that it will be ready soon"

I sit up and bounce "really? why? what's the special occasion?"

"She says that this is the first dinner with your boyfriend and she wants it to be special" He rolls his eyes

I laugh "ok, we'll be down in a few"

My dad nods "keep it classy" he says winking and pointing between Seunghyun and I, then backs out of my room, leaving my door open a crack.

I shake my head and yell "what, am I in jr high?

My dads laughter is audible as it slowly disappears down the hallway.

"I think I like him" Seunghyun says laying back down beside me and pulling me against his body.

I giggle "you're the only one"

He snorts "I like your family, it's nice to see an actual family that loves each other"

"Doesn't your aunt, uncle, and cousin function like a normal family?"

"Yeah, they do, but Tae and I know we don't belong in that family, like it's not ours to be a part of, you know"

I nod "I use to feel that way when I first came here, but Hwa Yun is one of those people you can't help but feel important to... everyone that walks through the front door becomes her family... that's one of the reasons why I love her"

"You really do see her as a mom don't you?" He reaches between us and places a hand on my chest slowly drawing circles, an innocent action, but one that has my heart pulsating against my rib cage.

I blink a couple of time trying to clear my thoughts "Yeah, and give it some time and I'm sure you'll feel the same, she already treats you like a son"

He smiles fondly "I like it, I never really got a lot of time with my mom, she left soon after Taemin was born and died before Tae even got into kindergarten... I kind of forgot what it felt like to be taken care of, it's nice"

I reach up and place my hand on his cheek, completely focused on him now. All this time I've been so absorbed in my own problems I never considered the type of scars Seunghyun might be dealing with "don't worry, from now on, I'll take care of you"

He nuzzles his nose into my neck "we'll take care of each other"

I moan lightly as his lips press against my neck, and he starts to suck and nip at the sensitive skin there.

"S-Seunghyun, mmm" I gasp out.

He chuckles and pulls back "you're not making it easy to be patient when you make noises like that"

I smile shyly "s-sorry, but you're the one who did it"

He chuckles again "can't help it, even though I understand your reasons, I'm still a man"

"We'll get there, and trust me, I know, I'm a man too" I pat his cheek and wink at him.

He groans and places his forehead against mine "you are going to be the death of me Kwon Jiyong"

I giggle and watch Seunghyun's eyes light up, he sits up and straddles my hips again before he starts giving me butterfly kisses all over my face, which only makes me giggle harder.

"Seunghyun. stop. I can't. breath" I say in between gasps.

He laughs "if you want me to stop you're going to have to stop being adorable"

"I. can't if. you keep. kissing me."

"Then you'll just have to take it till I decide to stop" he states, continuing his attack of kisses.

"If you. Don't stop. I won't. Kiss you for. The rest. Of the week" I warn.

He pulls back "you can't make a threat like that, you won't be able to keep it"

"Watch me" I say narrowing my eyes playfully. I bring my leg up hooking it on the side of his hip, anchoring my arm under his shoulder and flip him over in one swift motion so he's lying on his back and I'm the one straddling his hips.

Surprise crosses his face, but it quickly turns into a challenging, humor. "You don't want to play this game Ji, I can always make you kiss me" his eyes dance with mischief and I sit up.

"You wouldn't dare" I stare down at him a challenge passing between our eyes.

My opponent makes a move, and I jump up, rolling to my side and bouncing off the bed. I land on my feet and position myself with my hands on the bed, knees slightly bent, ready to run if needed.

Seunghyun sits on the other side of the bed on his knees, facing me in an animal like position, ready to pounce.

"Ji baby, just give in now" he warns.

I giggle watching his eyes flash "never" then I bolt for the door, hearing Seunghyun heavy on my heels.

I run down the hall and whip around the corner, taking the stairs two at a time, hearing Seunghyun's heavy footsteps behind me, forcing a fit of giggles to leave my lips in excitement.

Before I reach the bottom step I feel an arm wrap around my waist and pull me backward causing a squeal to rip from my lips and Seunghyun grabs me with both arms, spinning me around to face him, and lifts me into the air so I can wrap my legs around his waist.

I struggle to get away, gasping at how hard I was laughing now, but his hold on me is to strong.

"Are you going to give in?" He asks

I shake my head "you can't make me"

"Are you sure" he nuzzles at my neck once again, biting at the already abused and over sensitive flesh.

My breath catches in my throat and all of the humor leaves my body. My opponent looks up at me through his eyelashes and I melt into his arms.

"Seunghyun I give up, kiss me" I whine.

"Happily baby" he growls and his lips find mine once more, claiming me, proving to both of us how much power Seunghyun has over me, and honestly how much I don't mind him having it.

A clearing of a throat interrupts us, and I pull back breathless and slightly dazed. I sigh and release my hold on my victorious opponent, who sets me back on the floor.

I turn to find my family gawking at us, surprised and amused.

"Well since you two are already down here, you might as well help set the table" my dad says trying his best to hold back laughter.

I nod and my cheeks swarm with heat "sure"

......

"What time do you have to head over to Jong Kook's sweetie?" Hwa Yun asks me while we're sitting down at dinner.

"I still have another hour, Sungmin and Eunhyuk have late classes so he just decided to start late" I answer popping another piece of chicken into my mouth letting the flavor lull my tastebuds into a form of ecstasy.

"Ooh why don't you take Seunghyun with you, I'm sure Jong Kook and the others would love to meet him" Hwa Yun claps like its the greatest idea she's ever had.

"Who's Jong Kook?" Seunghyun asks looking at me for the answer.

I take a deep breath "well I was going to tell you later, but I'm really a prostitute and Jong Kook is my pimp"

Seunghyun without a second thought "does he at least give you a good cut?"

I nod "he's a good pimp, really caring and generous"

"Well as long as he treats you like the lady you are" Seunghyun smiles at me and I return it, amusement dancing in our eyes.

"Oh god, there's two of them now" Minho says in mock horror.

Hwa Yun purses her lips "I don't find this subject matter very appropriate for the dinner table"

"Let's just be thankful they have their cloths on" my dad speaks up adding another helping of food to his plate.

Hwa Yun groans and throws her head into her hands "you're not helping Hyun Suk, i already have five children, I don't need you in the mix"

Seunghyun laughs "five? I only counted three"

"Well I have another brother Kyuhyun, but he's in college and doesn't really come home a lot" I say.

"Ah, but who's the fifth?" He asks curiously, looking around like another person would suddenly pop up at the table.

"You sweetie, you're my son now" Hwa Yun says patting Seunghyun on the arm "anyone that can make my Ji smile like you do, is instantly a part of this family"

Seunghyun smiles and looks down at the table, and I knew her words mean a lot to him. I reach over, fully aware the family is watching and place a hand on his cheek. "told you, you're one of us now"

He folds his hand over mine and stares into my eyes, a moment passes between us, one that says everything we want to, without either of us using a single word. Yes it's not normal for how quickly Seunghyun and I have fallen for each other, but as Seunghyun pointed out earlier... we don't really do normal.


	9. The letter

~Seunghyun~

"Ok, I would have never, in my entire life guessed that this is what you do after school... ever" I say staring at the large open space filled with mats, pads, and other weapon type objects that seemed like they could do a fair amount of damage in the right hands.

Ji laughs at my expression and opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by a very muscular and kind of intimidating man calling his name across the room.

"Ji, is that you?" A man steps out from a doorway leading God knows where. "Oh, you brought a friend"

"Hey Jong Kook hyung, and yes...this is my boyfriend Seunghyun" Ji introduces me and I feel a tingling feeling deep in my stomach 'he called me his boyfriend... calm yourself Seunghyun, you're acting like a school girl' I chid myself.

Surprise flashes across the man called Jong Kook's face "oh, it's great to meet you Seunghyun, welcome" he turns to Ji "does that mean I get to play with him a little?"

My eyes widen, but Ji stops my panic "Not today hyung, he's injured" Ji says then lifts my hand up gently, showing off my wrist wrapped in a bandage that Ji had put on himself and laces his fingers carefully in mine once he lets go of my wrist.

"Do I want to know?" Jung Kook raises his eyebrows suggestively.

Ji punches him on the arm "hyung, it's not like that" then Ji looks around "where are the others?"

"Mino is in the back getting ready with Donghae, but Sungmin and Eunhyuk should be here any second... honestly though, why did you bring him on a day all of them are here? You know how they can be"

Ji laughs "that's why I brought him. If he can handle my hyungs, he can handle anything"

Jong Kook laughs at this, but shoots me an apologetic look "agreed"

"What are we agreeing on?" a guy who has dark brown hair and looked to be a couple years older than me asks walking out of the backroom, followed by another boy with almost black brown hair, looking about the same age, maybe a little younger than Ji. "wait, nevermind... who is this?" the older one asks when his eyes land on me.

Ji snorts "this is Seunghyun, my boyfriend. Seung" Ji turns to me and i smile at that familiar heart flutter at being called his boyfriend once again "this is Donghae, and Mino"

I bow and nod "it's nice to meet you both"

"Well shit, looks like Eun did talk some sense into you" the guy called Mino jokes.

Ji shoots him a look that would make any self respecting man retreat, but Mino just laughs it off and walks over to me, giving me a good once over "damn Ji, nice job"

The latter blushes and pops Mino on the arm playfully. The exchange has me a little uncomfortable and i was wondering why the back of my head is suddenly prickiling with a sensation i can't quite put my finger on. It is all I can do not to reach over and pull Ji away from the other boy, like I am... 'wait could it be? Am I jealous?' I sigh mentally and hope that's not the case, my jealously has brought me nothing but trouble before and I don't want to ruin things with Ji. He has become way to imporatnt to me, to let my own stupidity get in the way. I take in a deep breath and push the thoughts out of my head, but know it's still there, alive and well.

"Eun has a habit of doing that, but don't tell him that you two got together because of him, he'll never let you live it down" Donghae says breaking my attention away from the two younger boys playfully beating each other up.

"Oh come on Hae, you know you secretly love that cockiness" Ji teases snorting at his hyung.

"Only in the bedroom, any other time it's just... exhausting" Danhae sighs dramatically, while the younger boys cringe at the images he provide of himself and the one called Eun "Kookie, can i just skip class tonight, i'm running on empty" Donghae whines.

"Hmm, I'll make a deal with you, i'll let you skip class... if you can beat me" Jong Kook challenges before padding over to the other side of the room grabbing two long wooden sticks.

Ji hurrys over to me and pulls me back against the wall, out of the way making it clear that this is an exercise that takes up a lot of room and may be dangerous for any bystanders. Donhae turns around watching Jong Kook with cat like precision, an instant change from the person who was complaining about being tired only seconds earlier.

Ji smirks and leans into my ear "watch, you'll love this, Donghae is a master at the bowstaff"

"So he can beat Jong Kook?" I ask surprised that anyone can overtake the man.

He laughs into my ear "he may be a master, but he'll never beat Kook"

Jong Kook throws a staff at Donghae who catches it in the air and twirls it around in his hand so fast that it blurs, he then walks forward till he is a couple feet away from Jong Kook, giving each other a look of complete challenge. I know this feeling, there was one point in time that i lived for this feeling. My heart pounds with the heavy promise of a fight in the air, and i hold onto Ji's hand tighter. Yes, i once lived for this addicting feeling, but now it just makes my body ache.

"You ok? they won't hurt each other, i promise" Ji looks at me, concern encasing his features.

I sigh and place my free hand on his cheek "i'm ok, just not partial to fighting"

My beautiful boyfriend nods his head agreeing with me "that's why i do Taekwondo, it's defensive, i can only use it to defend myself or somone else"

"And if you use it recreationally?" I question.

"I lose my belt, and a part of myself. This has come to mean so much to me, it got me through some pretty hard times... i can't imagine my life without this place" he smiles, but it doesn't touch his eyes and I begin to wonder what he's been through in the past...What he was like when he first came to live with his family.

My heart rate evens out and once again i'm reminded how incredibly lucky i am to have Ji in my life, this boy is completly different than my past, and just like Taekwondo to him, i don't know what i would do without him. He stabilizes me, he makes me happier than i ever though i could be, and he makes me want better for my life... he makes me want to be better.

Ji leans into my side and motions with his chin towards the men in the center of the room "watch, this is aways entertaining"

Just as i bring my attention back to the fight in the middle of the room, Donghae makes a move, twirling his staff around and eventually bringing it towards Jong Kook who easily blocks, and quickly counter attacks. This continues, nothing but attacks and counter attacks, their staffs never conecting with their intended targets because of seemingly effortless blocks from the other. Despite no one actually getting hurt, Ji is right, it is very entertaining. The level of skill Donghae and Jong Kook hold is clear in every movement they make, and it almost seems like a dance full of carefully choreographed movements. Eventually though, it has to end and a strike is made by Jong Kook that is so fast i almost didn't catch it, shocking me when it connects with the side of Donghae's thigh, earing a yelp from the yonger.

Ji claps proudly "told you, no matter how hard he trains, he can never surpass sensei"

I joined in the congratulations "you were right, it was impressive"

"What was? What did we miss?" a thin blond boy walks through the front door, with a black haired boy with a fuller face trailing after him, both looking close to Donghae's age.

"Sungmin, i missed you last week" Ji exclaims and runs to the boy patting him on the arm. Sungmin looks as if he wants to hug Ji, but doesn't make a move to do so. Again the prickling sensation tickles the back of my head and my stomach clenches, but I force the feelings down once again, knowing i'm acting irrational 'they are friends Seunghyun, nothing to be jealous of' i scould my behavior.

Sungmin smiles shyly "i've been busy with school, and maybe a couple of other things"

"You have a boyfriend, don't you?" Mino asks abruptly, who seemed to pop up at my side from out of nowhere.

Sungmin turns a dark shade of red "still t-to early to tell" the boys ducks his head in embarrassment and heads to the back room, making me again wonder what's back there.

"Eun, do you know anything about this?" Mino asks the blond boy standng next to my blond boy. I sigh inwardly, glad to finally be able to put a face with a name, realizing that this was the famous Eun they were talking about.

Eun shrugs "all i know is his name starts with a K, anything else, I have no idea about...Sungmin's been really secretive about it, which is weird since MinMin tells me everything" Eun pouts.

"Oh isn't my boyfriend so cute when he does that" Donghae surges forward and collects the poting boy into his arms, kissing his face, causing the latter to giggle at him and punch his arm playfully.

The cute show of affection has my eyes landing on my own boyfriend, who seems to be thinking the same, and quickly makes his way back to me, grabbing my hand. I chuckle and reach up placing my hand on his cheek, then lean forward pressing my lips to his briefly.

I pulled away startled when someone exclaims "holy shit" behind us. We turn to find Eun staring at us, in complete shock. "Ji, when did this happen? Who is this? And how can he touch you so effortlessly?"

I let my hand drop from Ji's face as he answers the older boys questions "it happened a week or so ago, his name is Seunghyun, and we arn't quiet sure of that either"

"Oh... Oh Seunghyun, the guy you were messed up over a couple of weeks ago" Eun says and Ji drops his head into his hands, while I find my curiosity peeked about this piece of information "he's cute... Jong Kook, any chance of letting us spend the rest of class psychoanalyzing why Ji is so abruptly comfortable with being touched by Seunghyun?"

"No" Jong Kook barks "though as interesting as that sounds, Seunghyun is here to watch and support Jiyong, not to be treated as a lab rat"

I send a gratful glance at the older man and he gives me a warm smile in return, before turning back into the Sensi "now everyone who isn't dressed go do so, everyone else... warm up stretches"

"Yes sir" Ji chirps, out of habit i guess, because the other boys do the same. Then he leans up on his tiptoes and gives me a swift kiss on my cheek, before bouncing away to the backroom followed by Eun, who gives me a look that i can only describe of how a scientist looks at a test subject.

"Don't worry, he's harmless, Just very protective of Ji is all" Donghae says offering me a humored smile " actually i'd advise you to be on your best behavior, he has five hyungs who are all very protective of him" he warns me, but the smile doesn't leave his lips.

"Don't worry, hurting Ji is the last thing i want to do... He's been through enough pain in his life" i sigh trying not to think to hard about everything he's been through.

Jong Kook glances over at me "he told you"

I nod, not really surprised everyone here knows, because of how they treat Ji, but they seem to be surprised that I know "that's one of the reasons i think i'm able to touch him, he trusts me because i know the truth and didn't walk away"

"Even i'm surpirsed he allows you to touch him. It made my job a bit harder teaching a kid who you can't touch but we've figured out safty zones, and we made it work" Jong Kook makes his way over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder "but I'm glad he's finally letting someone in, he seems really happy... Whatever you're doing, keep it up"

I blush and bow lightly, then Jong Kook walks away threatening the boys with laps of they don't hurry up.

>>>>>

The whole class, my eyes were on Ji. He was quiet good actually and seemed to get the hang of things very quickly. I got to see first hand what Jong Kook was talking about, when Ji is paired off with one of the boys or being used as an example for the other boys, he is only touched in his safe zones, or is the one to doing the touching.

I am actually very impressed with how well they accommodate Ji's needs, and feel pleased knowing that these boys will take care of Ji. They just want what's best for him and so do i, and it makes me happy to have allies in this mission of mine.

I catch my lovely boyfriends eyes many times throughout class and it always leaves me with a warmth in my chest. Ji is happy here and it makes me happy. This place is all about control, and learning how to defend, not just about the rush of fighting which eases me. 'see Seunghyun, Ji's different than him, don't worry so much' I assure myself.

Jong Kook suddenly calls for the boys to line up and they follow his orders standing at attention. Ji catches my eyes and smiles, winking at me. I wink back, and chuckle silently at how cute he can be sometimes.

"Ok, that's it for today guys, good job. Do some floor exercises for a cool down, then you are free to go. Ji and Mino, I want you to practice floor work" Jong Kook instructs.

The boys shout a 'yes sir' and bow to Jong Kook in a perfectly sychronized act, that is actually impressive, but also slightly creepy to see. These boys who had rough housed and made fun of each other before, hold so much respect and disipline now, it's actually kind of amazing.

Ji walks to the edge of the mat, followed by Mino who I watch closely despite my head warning me to back off, and everyone clears out of their way making it clear that this is the norm.

While the others start to stretch with each other, twisting their bodys is some type of extreme yoga movements that has me worried that they were going to snap themselves in half for a second. Ji and Mino stretch out their arms and legs quickly, rolling their neck, wrists, and ankles. An act that seems so natural to them, it is clear that they have done this many times before.

Despite my annoyance at how close Mino is to him, I can't take my eyes off of Ji, every stretch, every roll of his body has his muscles flexing and contorting making the definition of his body clear. I swallow hard and Ji starts to bite his lower lip in concentration, but had me loosing mine on anything but Ji. He looks up suddenly and catches my gaze, his thoughtful eyes burst into flams almost instantly.

Ji looks away, and blinks a couple times, physically shaking his head trying to clear it, i kind of feel bad for doing that to him, but i also know what he felt. This heat we keep feeling is getting worse and worse between us, and my self control is defiantly being tested.

Suddenly Ji raises his hands above his head, and takes in a deep breath. He takes a few quick steps, makes a slight jump, springing forward to his hands and pushing off, flipping across the Dojo's mat. I raise my eyebrows at the sight, i never expected Ji to be able to do that... I guess tonight is just full of surprises. My little acrobat is about to reach the edge of the mat, but something catches my eye. On the ground right where Ji is heading is one of the bowstaffs used in the fight between Donghae and Jong Kook earlier. I move forward to stop him, but it's already to late, Ji makes contact with the staff, slipping on it and flying backwards. He crashes to the ground in a very painful looking way and ends up splayed out on his back, with his knees bent, mumbling curses to himself.

I rush forward and kneel quickly inches from where he laying "are you ok?"

Ji groans painfully and Jong Kook is beside me instantly "where are you hurt?"

"I.." he gasps, seeming incapable of saying much more.

Jong Kook stops him "take a second, you just got the wind knocked out of you, then we can assess if anything is damaged" JongKook looks across the room at the boys who are now huddled in a group, wearing worried expressions, but keeping their distance "Donghae, can you come pick up the equipment off the mats" Jong Kook says in a tone that gives off an impression that he is displeased. Donghae nods and guiltily moves forward to do as he's told.

I reach down rubbing circles over the front of Ji's shoulder to comfort him. He reaches up and grabs my hand sqeezing it, while i hush him "it's ok, i'm right here" He seems to calm down at that knowlege, and i rub circles over his hand with my thumb, while his breathing returns to normal.

"My knee hurts" Ji finally squeeks out.

"Which knee?" Jong Kook asks hands hovering over his legs.

"Right" Ji says looking tense and slightly nervous.

Jong Kook hesitates "we should get you to the doctor, let him take a look"

"Your the instructor, don't you know how to examine injurys?" i ask, confused at his behavior.

"I can, but..." he trails off and it clicks, Ji doesn't like to be touched and Jong Kook is very sympathetic to that.

"I-it's fine, just do it Kook" Ji says, his voice trembling slightly.

"Are you sure Ji, i don't want to make you uncomfortable" Jong Kook says, as his mouth sets into a worried frown.

I glance down at Ji who meets my eyes, i see fear and hesitation in them, making my chest tighten and i know what i have to do "tell me how"

Jong kook looks at me confused, then at Ji who nods with slight relief telling him that it's alright. "ok first place your hands underneath his calf and just above his knee, lifting slowly and carfully to support it"

I nod and slip my hand underneath his calf, but hesitate at his thigh "it's ok, i trust you" Ji's voice pulls me out of my apprehension and i do as I'm told, the boy under me tenses slightly, but seems relaxed enough that i don't stop.

"Ok, now slowly start to straighten his leg out, if you get even a bit of resistance stop immediately, or Ji if you feel a great deal of pain tell us... either could mean that you broke or severly damaged something " Jong Kook motions for me to execute his orders and i take in a large calming breath before starting to slowly straighten out Ji's leg.

Ji winces and i pause "it's fine, just a slight pain, keep going"

I swallow hard but do as i'm told until Ji's leg was completly straight and i huffed out a relived breath, along with Jong Kook.

"It seems like nothing is broken, but we should still get you checked out?" Jong Kook stands "can you walk on your own?"

I don't let him answer, i stand up and gather him in my arms, picking him up bridal style "i've got him"

Ji giggles and grasps onto my shirt "you don't have to, i can walk... oh and your wrist!" he exclaims, trying to push himself out of my arms.

"Stop it, I'm fine." I scold and he stops, refusing to meet my eyes "and it's not you're decision, i'm carring you whether you like it or not?" i stick out my tounge and he giggles again clearly defeated, kissing me on my cheek briefly.

"Well that's kind of disturbing" someone pipes up across the room, that I recognize as Mino's voice

"I know, Ji is almost cute right now" another that I don't know that well adds. "Sickening"

Ji rolls his eyes and places a hand on my cheek "ignore them, they're just jealous"

I laugh "or maybe they are freaked out because you're not acting like a bitch... Trust me i was a little weirded out the first time he was nice to me too" i direct the last part of my comment to the others, who crack up and agree with me.

Ji crosses his arms over his chest and sighs dramatically "i hate you all"

>>>>>

"Here, the doctor said to put this on to reduce swelling" i say handing Ji a bag of ice.

Ji makes a pouty face and leans back against the headboard of his bed. We had managed to convince Ji to go to the hospital dispite his protests, and luckily his injury isn't that bad, just a minor muscle pull, he'll be back up and going by this weekend, which i am really happy about because Ji is really cranky when he has to sit still.

"They gave me something for the pain at the hospital and it isn't even that swollen. Do I have to?" Ji gives me a puppy eyed look.

I sigh "stop that, i'm just doing as the doctor told me to and yes, yes you do"

Ji drops his eyes to the bed, continuing to pout "i don't like being cold"

I almost mentally slap myself, of course Ji doesnt want the ice, he's always freezing as it is "ok, here" i hand him the bag of ice, which he takes hesitantly and i craw up the bed till I'm sitting next to him.

"Come here" i open my arms and he smiles shyly before sliding over careful not to move his knee to much and lets me curl my body around his small frame "now put the ice on, i'll keep the rest of you warm.

He groans but does as he's told, wincing slightly when the bag makes contact with the injury "i should have checked the floor before i started my exercises"

"Don't blame yourself, it was an accident, and nothing serious is hurt" i say smoothing his hair out with my hand

"i know, i just... it's embarrassing, i don't like to be the center of attention like this" he whines, burying his head in my chest, but I manage to catch how red his face is turning before he did so.

I chuckle and shake my head at his cuteness "But you don't mind it from me right?" i ask stilling my hands, worried about doting on him to much if he doesn't like it.

He giggles into my chest "honestly, you're the only one i actually want attention from, i have since the first day i met you, i just never allowed myself to believe that. When you first started to come eat lunch with Taimin and me, and began walking me to class... truthfully i loved it, i just couldn't admit it to myself for a while"

I grin "sorry if I bugged you at first, i just couldn't stay away from you, but i'm glad i didn't... being here, holding you in my arms... there's nowhere else i would rather be"

Ji snuggles closer into my chest "i'm surprised by how comfortable i am with you, the thought of Jong Kook touching me today scared the hell out of me, i love him like a brother, but i just..." he stops and takes a deep breath "but when you stepped in, it was like an instant calm took me over. You were there, right beside me, and i knew i would be fine... I trust you more than i really understand, and today made me see that clearly"

Breathing in deeply, i let Ji's words wash over me. He trusts me, he feels safe and happy when he's with me and knowing that makes a warm tingling feeling spread through my chest. "That makes me happy" I say feeling Ji relaxing even more against me "now, how about some Kdramas?" i ask, leaning down and switching on Ji's laptop that is resting on the bed.

I feel Ji grin against my chest and nod enthusiastically. I laugh at the childlike boy and reach forward to turn on some stupid show that Ji seemed to be obsessed with, but am stopped by a password page. I'm about to pick up the computer so he can type it in when he beats me to it "1212" he says.

I hesitate, but then type the password into the space and it's accepted. I smile shyly and pull up the website. He didn't even give it a second thought to telling me what his password is. "will you tell me your phone password too?" i ask jokingly.

"it's the same, 1212" he says into my chest.

My eyebrows pull together "does that number mean something to you?"

"It's a date" Ji replys, his words barly audible.

"What's important about December 12th?" i ask, but the only answer i recieve is Ji's light breathing against my neck.

I chuckle and reach down, sliding my hand under his waist and lifting him slightly, pulling his body down the bed so he's in a laying position. I grab his computer to turn on something I want to watch because I didn't feel like sleeping, but quickly notice his desktop background is a picture of me "how did you..?" but trail off when i remember he's asleep, I shake my head in amusement 'what am i going to do with this kid?'

>>>>>

A knock at the door pulls me away from my drama and I pause it, lightly granting whoever is at the door entrance.

Minho walks in and smiles when he sees Ji curled up against me, fast asleep "how is he?"

"I think he's fine, the pain meds kicked in and he was out" I say brushing my fingers across the forehead of the beautiful boy snuggled against me, moving the hair out of his eyes.

Minho nods "good, here" he hands me a small letter sized envelope "Ji got some mail, and I figured he won't be coming downstairs anytime soon"

I smile "thanks Minho, I'll give it to him when he gets up"

Minho goes to walk away but stops and turns slightly "Seunghyun... can I ask something without you telling anyone?"

I glance back up at him, my brain locking onto his words in interest of what he wants to talk about "Of course Minho, i would never tell anyone anything you didn't want me to"

He sighs, seeming to debate with himself about asking me something "have you always known you were..." He pauses nervously "have you always liked..."

"Men?" I finish for him, guessing where this conversation was going. "I guess I never really thought about it, I kind of fell for someone close to me and never questioned why it was a guy... so maybe I always knew, but it wasn't a huge deal for me"

He nods nervously, refusing to take his eyes off the floor "was he your friend?"

I sigh, not caring to revisit those memories "yeah, he was my best friend"

"So it's ok to fall in love with your best friend? It's not wrong to feel that way?" He asks still seeming to be really interested in the floor.

"We fall for who we fall for Minho, it's not really about gender, or the role they play in your life, love happens because of the person, it's that simple" I says and Minho finally looks up at me.

His eyes seem sad "but what if he hates me and I lose my best friend"

I smile kindly, Minho is always so put together and made himself seem untouchable, but right now he seems like a small boy, full of insecurities "If someone can walk away from you Minho, then not only do they not deserve you but they are really stupid" I say offering him the best advice I can come up with "all you can do is take a chance, no one really knows what will happen, but the probability of what might happen keeps us moving forward"

Minho's face instantly brightens up, reminding me that Minho and Ji really are brothers "you're right, I'm going to tell him"

I laugh, pleased to see his normal attitude back in place "good luck, let me know how it goes"

He nods rapidly and pulls his phone out, rushing from the room. I catch a brief "hello? Seunghoon?" before his voice gets too far away to hear.

I chuckle "Fighting Minho"

"That was sweet" Ji says into my chest "you're going to be a great dad one day"

I jump slightly and place a hand over my suddenly pounding heart "I thought you were asleep"

He shakes his head "was it just a story you made up to help Minho, or were you really in love before?"

I scrunch my face up, I had really hoped he wouldn't ever hear about this "it was the truth"

Ji sits up slowly and bites his lip "oh"

"Ji baby, don't do that" I pull at his chin to get him to look at me "it was a long time ago, and it ended, nothing to be upset over"

"I know, I keep telling myself that, but I can't help but feel disappointed... I wanted to be your first love" he pulls his head out of my chin and looks away "I hate myself for feeling this way, I'm sorry"

I move his computer and sit on my knees in front of him so he has no choice but to look at me "you may have not been my first Ji, but I intend for you to be my last"

His eyes light up and a small smile appears on his lips "you really feel that way... that we'll stay together?"

"Of course, you are not getting rid of me, I'm here to stay" I place my hands on either side of his face and pull him to me for a kiss "I told you, I'm not going to leave you"

Ji closes his eyes and seems to let my words flow through him "I want that Seung, I want forever with you"

"Then you shall have it baby" I kiss him once again and move back beside him, sitting down "oh, this is yours" I hand him the envelope Minho had brought, before pressing play to finish the episode I was on of my drama.

He takes it easily and opens it without paying attention, watching the screen even though he probably has no idea what's going on.

He pulls out a paper and starts unfolding it "oh this is the one where she can't lie right?" He ask pointing at the screen before starting to skim over the letter.

I nod "yeah, it's actually really good"

"I wanted to wat..." He breaks off his sentence and I glance over at him, to find his eyes wide and staring at the paper like it had just burst into flames.

"Ji, everything ok?" I ask before he starts to shake and I'm seized by worry, oh no, please don't be another panic attack. "Ji baby, calm down, what's wrong" a darkness passes behind his eyes, one I've never seen before and i'm scared to know where his thoughts are going or what's causing them.

Ji closes his eyes tightly and ducks his head into my chest, whimpering slightly. "Ji, what's wrong?" i ask more forcefully tugging on his chin to get him to look at me.

He fights against me and shakes his head, but i keep trying and eventually get him to look up at me. When he does, what i see shocks and terrifies me at the same time, a childlike vulnerability, like the kind i saw the day he finally let me in, when I found out about the abuse he had faced for sixteen years, burns in his eyes. This boy in front of me is fascinating , the level of innocence in his eyes makes my body shutter.

"Ji, baby, what's wrong?" I ask placing my hand on his cheek and rubbing my thumb across in tenderly. His eyes flash and I know that this is what he wants, this is what he needs right now, comfort and love.

He whimpers again and sits up placing a kiss on my lips, one that tells me that Ji isn't exactly himself, he is acting out of dark emotions. But I can't help myself, i lean down, deepening the kiss, wanting to tast this Ji, this Ji who has no walls, who holds nothing back, and shows me how much fear he really holds. He kisses me roughly, wrapping his arms around my neck pulling me to him, needily. Electricity serges through my veins, this side of Ji does things to me, makes me feel a certain way that's dangerous for both of us. Ji is vulnerable, scared, and just wants to be loved. I see the fearfull boy who has been hiding behind all of his walls and all i want is to protect this Ji, make him forget all of that fear, and wipe away all of his darkness.

"Ji" i say against his mouth "baby, we can't"

The boy shakes his head, "please" he whispers, begging me.

I suck in a quick breath, as all of my logical thinking disaperas at the sound of his pleading and bite at Ji's lower lip asking for the entrance that i am immediately given. He let's out a whiney, desperate sound and pulls me closer to him as my tongue explores every inch of his hot, wet cavern. Ji moans into my mouth and rolls toward me, till i feel something hard and hot pressing against my thigh. I gasp and snap out of it, pushing Ji away from my lips but not from my body. He doesn't seem to notice and starts to attack my neck, kissing and nipping up and down the exposed skin.

Breathlessly, i manage to get out a warning "Ji, come on, you're not ready for this"

Ji pulls away and looks into my eyes, they were large, to large, full of innocense and fear. The emotion in them shakes me to my core, and makes my chest clench painfully. "you don't want me" It isn't a question, it is almost like a confirmation, like he has been expecting this all along "you know what he did to me, and now you're disgusted, right?"

"No baby, that's not it at all, i want you" i grown and arch my hips up, grinding my my painfully hard member onto his thigh which is resting in between both of mine "trust me Ji, you have no idea how bad i want you right now, but i won't jump into something you're not ready for... you're feeling vulnerable, and needy right now, i understand, but i won't take advantage of that" Ji whimpers and gasps slightly, while throwing his head back, making me realise that i was still grinding my erection onto his thigh. I calm myself down and stop my movments, even though my body screams at me in protest.

"N-no, please don't stop, you're not taking advantage" He starts mimicking my earlier actions with his own hips.

"Ji" i warn again, starting to feel frustrated. This Ji, though fasinating, isn't my Ji, this boy is a product of years of abuse, fear, and neglect. This Ji wanted, no, needed love, but i know if i give it to him, it could destroy the real Ji, my Ji.

"Seunghyun, touch me, please" Ji whines in my ear.

A half angry, half aroused growl rips through my throat and i reach down grabbing the backs of Ji's thighs and lifting up, knocking him off balance and forcing him back against the bed. He stares up at me with wide eyes, and his mouth open.

"Ji, stop this" i say roughly "this isn't you, come back to me baby, please" my tone is softer on the last part, and i pet his hair tenderly.

He whimpers below me "i just want you to touch me, why don't you want me?"

I sigh "i do want you Ji, i do... but not like this"

"P-Please" he cries out as tears start flowing down from the corner of his eyes.

I clench my jaw, and prop myself up on my arm, leaning over him. I hate myself for what i'm about to do, but i can't think of any other way to reach him, i need my Ji back. My hand that isn't supporting my weight starts to trail it's way down his clothed chest, pausing momentarily when i reach his lower stomach. He tenses and i know i'm finally getting the reaction i want. I continue my hands down, running them over the tops of his thighs, and back up on the inside of them slowly, waiting with my breath held. 'come on baby, come back to me'

Suddenly Ji twitches and sits up, pushing my hand away "stop, stop" he cries, his voice trembling.

I sigh with relief and look back up to find Ji, my Ji, back in place. I sit up backing away from him in case he needs a moment "i'm sorry Ji, i didn't want to do that"

He shakes his head "you tried to warn me, but i just couldn't think straight... i don't know what happened... I-i'm sorry"

"It's ok, i knew what was happening, i wouldn't have let you go too far"

He tembles and stares me down "you didn't take advantage of me"

I smile lightly "i would never do that to you baby, i hated touching you like that, but i needed you to snap out of it"

A tear flows down Ji's cheek and he leans forward placing his head against my chest once more "thank you Seunghyun, thank you for saving me"

I hug him close to me, wondering what in the hell could have been written in that letter, that made him turn into that person. But i put it out of my mind for the moment, Ji needs me right now, and i wasn't going to leave him alone to pursue my curiosity "Always baby, i'll always protect you"


	10. Tell me it wasn't you

~Jiyong~

It's dark, too dark. I can't see where I'm going. I can't hear anything but the sounds of my feet hitting the hardwood floor and the rapid pounding of my heart against my ribcage. I don't call out for anyone, or try to bring attention to myself. I've seen this darkness before and what waits for me in it is something I refuse to bring out of its hiding place.

Further down the hall, my hand roams on the sides of the wall, trying to find my way. Daring not to turn on the light for fear of being found. Some cold sweat forms on my forehead, and my body shutters. I am freezing, scared, and I just need to make it to the end of the hall. Everything would be fine if I make it to the end of the hall... but I never make it to the end of the hall.

"You know you can't hide from me, you even fuck up at trying to stay quiet and you weigh like ninety pounds" that voice rasps in my ear, turning my blood to ice "since you seem to not understand that the people in this house need to sleep... you might as well give me something to do since I’m up now" he grabs me from behind and throws me over his shoulder, taking me somewhere, but I still can't see.

A few tears fall down my cheeks, knowing what was going to happen. I know better than to fight, its over quicker and it brings a bit less pain if I stay still. Plus, he likes it when I fight, brings him more of a challenge, and I refuse to give him that satisfaction.

He sets me down on the ground and forces me to face him "You know, you think you would have learned by now... is it possible that your little faggot ass loves this? You do things to piss me off, just so I can pound you into the nearest surface?" his hot breath, tainted with alcohol brushes my face, making my stomach roll.

He throws me down against something sort of soft, and I bounce slightly, making me realize that we are in the living room on the couch "wait, someone might come out" I say panicked. What if Seungri sees this, I can't let him see me this way. I start to push him away, hoping to God that for once he will give me mercy, and will let me go.

 

An angry, burning sensation blossoms over my cheek, when his hand connects painfully with the sensitive skin, then he pins me down with one arm "Good, maybe your brother should see, learn about what happens to boys who are fuck ups like you" he snarls at me and pulls down my pants, then unbuckles his own.

I look away, not wanting to see this, I never want to see this. He flips me over onto my stomach and pulls my lower half into the air, tucking my legs under me. I tremble but stay as still as my body will let me.

I close my eyes 'it'll be over soon Ji, just breath and think of something else' I find my mind wondering and grasp at some memories to distract me. Ones with Seungri, where we are so happy just being together, away from the rest of the world. This is always my happy place. I am safe here, where pain didn't exist, where warmth surrounded me like a large blanket and Seungri was here too, young and happy, the way he was meant to be.

A slicing pain rips me back from my happy place and a strangled cry leaves my lips, muffled by his hand covering my mouth. 'no, please, I don't want to be here for this, let me go back... I want to be with Seungri'

"Fuck ups like you should feel the pain, you don't get to be loved tenderly, you should feel all of it, this is what you deserve" he hisses out at me, in between short breaths as he 'punishes' me. "Look at him, why would he ever love you? You're nothing but a fuck up after all, and now he knows just how disgusting you are" he says harshly into my ear.

Panic sweeps through me, what is he talking about? Is Seungri here? Oh god, did he see me like this? I pry open my eyes, which takes a great deal of effort, but I need to know who is here with us. I blink a couple times letting them adjust, and my heart stops, my breath catches in my throat, and I feel my body go numb. 'No'

Seunghyun stands across the room, leaning against the wall, a look of pure disgust and anger dusted across his face. He doesn't move, just stares into my eyes, holding so much hatred in his own. This isn't my Seunghyun. This Seunghyun is darker, scarier. His eyes are black as night, like two pools of ink, staring into my soul, threatening to shred me to pieces. His body is skinny, to the point of being creepy, and the edges of his body are almost pointed, making it appear that he would cut you if he touched you. But the part that really made my blood turn to ice, was the half smile, half snarl his lips were set in, almost like he was enjoying the sight of what was happening to me. This Seunghyun looks evil, and he sends shivers down my spine and through my body, and I feel the need to shy away from this stranger in front of me.

"No" a loud, desperate whisper leaves my mouth, and tears start to freely fall down my cheeks "please don't look at me like that" I beg, staring into his cold, hateful eyes.

The fake Seunghyun chuckles darkly, making my skin crawl "He's right, Ji. Seeing you like this, you're nothing but trash, something to pound into and forget... It's true, Ji. You don't deserve to be loved" Seunghyun says, his heartless emotions never wavering and the room seems to grow colder.

My whole world stops, I can't breathe, my vision blurs, and my mind races. How can Seunghyun say these things to me? I've never heard a single hateful thing come out of his mouth, and now nothing but that leaves it. Coming from Seunghyun, who's never lied to me, who I trust above all others ... could he be right? Was I not worth any of it? Was I worse than trash that deserved to be thrown away after use? Am I really just a fuck up like my stepfather says? But how can I trust this Seunghyun when he looks like this? How can I believe these words when my Seunghyun is nowhere to be seen? 

Confusion clouds my coherent thoughts, my mind having a battle over reality and logic. I just want to close my eyes and curl in on myself. I want to be free of this nightmare. I need to be free of this hell. A whimper pulls from my lips 'this isn't happening, I’m going to wake up in my bed next to Seungri any second now and I’ll be fine... please, let this be a dream'

Seunghyun laughs a sickeningly sinister laugh, making nausea sweep through my stomach, and for a second I'm afraid, I'm scared of Seunghyun, afraid that he is going to hurt me... or worse "you're actually whimpering, like you're the victim here? I'm convinced that the victims are your family that had to put up with you all these years, look at you... you're weak, pathetic, disgusting even... you deserve everything you get, Jiyong/ All fuck ups do"  
My whole being screams at me to convince Seunghyun otherwise, to get him to tell me he loves me. To hear him say that I’m better than my step father says, and to pull me into his arms and take me away from this place. I don't care about what he's saying now, I don't care if this is what he really thinks of me... I just need him. "please Seunghyun, this isn't you" I plead, wanting, needing to see that softness, that love in his eyes.

He chuckles bitterly "this is me, Ji. This is the real me finally seeing the real you, and you were right, it's disgusting"

My blurry vision worsens, and my brain goes fuzzy. Seunghyun pushes himself off the wall and walks over to me, his lip curled up in repulsion the whole time "why did I even waste my time playing with a toy that was already broken?" He spits and then starts to walk away.

"No" I scream "please, Seunghyun. You promised you wouldn't leave. Please" I beg and try to move to go after him, but I'm held down still by my stepfather.

"See, I told you, fuck ups don’t get happy endings. This is all you get" my stepfather whispers in my ear, thrusting harder, forcing a piercing scream out of my mouth.

A scream like sob rips through my throat as I sit up abruptly in bed. I have to look around a couple of times, trying to grasp at reality. 'It didn't happen, it was a dream' I clutch at my shirt, panting almost painfully, blinking away tears, as cold sweat covers my whole body, making my cloths and hair stick to my skin.

"Baby, are you ok?" A familiar voice softly asks me, while an equally familiar hand caresses my arm.

I can't answer, suddenly the dream comes back to me and I get a lurching sensation in my stomach. Already knowing what was coming, I jump off my bed and bolt for the bathroom, ignoring the splitting pain in my knee and head. I slide across the floor, stopping in front of the toilet on my knees and expelling every bit of the contents out of my stomach. I don't try to calm down, or stop my body from cleaning itself from all sustenance. In fact the pain in my stomach, and the burn in my throat are almost comforting. This pain centers me, helps me grasp at what is real, and clears my body of any confusion. 'I'm ok, it was just a dream, and I'm safe' I repeat my normal mantra I say after every nightmare, to help me grasp at the only comfort I can accept at this time... The truth.  
After everything in my stomach is gracefully deposited into the bowl in front of me, dry heaves begin to rack my body. It's painful, but once again I can't stop it, it's like my body is trying to force out all of the pain and the remaining emotions brought on by the dream, along with the contents of my stomach.   
A strong, but gentle hand starts rubbing circles across my back, while another pulls my hair away from my face.

"Baby, are you ok? Are you not feeling well?" That voice asks me again, that voice that still echoes in my head saying all of those heartbreaking things. The voice that told me I wasn't worth it before leaving me, like he promised he would never do. A confusing mixture of relief and anger sweep through me, making my stomach churn once again with the promise of more painful dry heaves.

I know better, it wasn't him. It was my subconscious that made up that messed up version of him... but I can't help myself. I pull away, despite my body being hungry for comfort, aching for his touch. I find words leaving my lips without even remembering them cross through my mind for approval "you left me, I could forgive the things you said, but you left me" I tremble and my vision blurs with the threat of tears.

I hear a sharp intake of breath "No. Ji, I didn't leave. I'm right here, I promise... look at me" he tries to pull my face towards him but I refuse. "Ji, look at me" he says more forcefully and I finally comply, unable to disobey when he uses that voice.

Our gazes lock and I see what I have been craving. Resting in Seunghyun's eyes is that softness, that love I need. This man staring into my eyes, this wonderful, loving man is my Seunghyun. The man that rubs my back as I’m grossly throwing up into a toilet, the man who looks at me with concern and love even after I push him away, and the man who calls me baby and takes care of me. This is my Seunghyun, and I never want to lose him again, even in a dream.

I tremble slightly, then jump into Seunghyun's arms, wrapping mine tightly around his neck "it was so real Seung, you looked at me with so much hatred and disgust... then you just... you just, walked away" I cry into the crook of his neck.

"Shh, baby it was just a dream. I didn't leave, I'm right here, and I could never look at you like that, I love you too much" he says tightening his hold on me.

I stuck in a sharp breath, 'he said it, he's never said it out loud before, and now he really said It’. "you do?" I ask, desperate to hear it again. 

"Of course, baby. I love you so much" he says it, and I melt into him. This is what I want, no, what I need. This love and affection he gives me. The comfort of his arms makes me feel safe, makes me feel alive and happy. How could I ever doubt that this man loves me? I am perfect in this man's eyes, and he is perfect in mine.

"Seung, thank you. Thank you for loving me" I whisper.

I hear him sigh contently while he tightens his grip around me "thank you for letting me love you, Jiyong"

......

"Seunghyun, I want to take a shower. I’m all sweaty and I feel gross" I say after a few minutes of sitting on the floor tucked into each other’s embrace. "you can go back to bed if you want"

He pulls back and looks down at me unsure "are you sure, baby?"

I offer him the best smile I can manage "yes, I’ll be fine" I hold up my hand "see, no more tremors, and I stopped crying" I joke, but he still looks uncertain.

"I don't want to leave you alone, Ji. You just scared the living hell out of me" he admits, avoiding my gaze, embarrassed.

I sigh "fine, but close your eyes the whole time" I get up and chuckle at his confused face. I pull him up with me, and bring my heavy sweater over my head signaling him to look away as I finish taking off the rest of my cloths. I turn on the shower and wrap a towel around myself, waiting for the shower to heat up. I push myself onto my left leg to take some weight off my right knee.

"Are you ok?" Seunghyun asks "you didn't hurt your knee again did you?"

I smile, of course he would sense that "I didn't hurt it again, but I think the pain pills are wearing off"

"Are you sure you want to take a shower?" he asks, his voice laced with worry.

I turn to him and he's still looking away. I know I should explain, but I hope he can take it "after I have one of those dreams, I feel... violated all over again. I feel dirty, and one of my processes of getting over those dreams are taking showers... water calms me, makes me relaxed, and I feel less... tainted"

"So, this isn't just a shower, this is like a form of therapy for you?" he finally glances at me, then turns red and looks away.

I giggle silently at his cuteness "yes, but usually I’m more messed up than this... one-time I had a hallucination after a nightmare that was so bad I tried to stab my dad with my toothbrush when he came in after hearing me screaming at the top of my lungs"

"You have hallucinations?" he asks, once again glancing at me, too surprised to be embarrassed.

"Sometimes, when the dreams get too bad, my emotional levels get too out of hand and my body starts short circuiting, producing alternative realities to cope with the ones I thought I was under in my dreams, then I wake up freaking out... but I’ve learned to deal with them. I have a system" I say and step forward feeling the water with my hand.

"You're being honest again" he points out.

"You're asking questions again" I counter, then sigh when his eyes find the floor "look, Seunghyun, i know it's a lot to take in and you probably hate hearing about it, but I feel that you deserve the truth from me. All of it, even... no, especially the scary parts, because you need to know exactly the amount of screwed up you've gotten yourself into"

"You're right, Ji. It's hard to hear, and to take, but not for the reason you think... I hate the idea of anyone hurting you, or touching you in ways you don't permit. The demons and the darkness that follows you everywhere you go, makes me hurt so much because I would give anything to make all of that disappear. I want to surround you in the most beautiful light and make your heart swell with nothing but happiness, but when I see you still carrying this weight around, it pains me"

My lips part, surprised to hear the words that just came out of his mouth, but i find myself more surprised by what falls from mine "Just love me, Seung and the rest will follow"

His eyes shoot up to meet mine and he smiles lightly "I love you, Ji"

I return his smile, but can't say it back, for some reason the words get caught in my throat "one day, I’ll say it back. I promise"

He nods "I’ll be waiting" then he looks away again "now get in the shower, you'll lose all of your hot water"

.....

"Here, now please no more jumping out of bed. You're lucky you didn't hurt your knee any worse" Seunghyun says tucking me back into bed, making sure that I’m surrounded by an unnecessary amount of blankets.

"Seunghyun, please, you keep me plenty warm. Just please get in bed. I need some cuddling" I whine and put on my best pout face.

He laughs but turns a little red, and I know I’ve got him "I just want you to be comfortable, and I want you to feel loved... You deserve to feel loved, Ji"  
My body freezes, I never told him what he said in my dream and now it finally clicks to why he's being so attentive "what did you hear?" I ask.

He swallows thickly and stops his movements "meaning?"

"I know I talk in my sleep, Seunghyun... what did you hear?" I push, remembering the time I found Hwa Yun crying in my bathroom after I woke up from a pretty bad dream, she didn't tell me all of what I said, but I grasped enough to tell her not to stay in my room overnight any more.

Seunghyun scrunches his face up, like he hated recalling the memory "most of it was just mumbles about wanting it to be over soon and wanting to go back to your happy place, and some things about someone named Seungri, but I also heard some things you were saying to me, or well… dream me" he mentions, avoiding my eyes.

"Do you have questions?" I bite my lip, silently pleading with him to say no, because I’m not sure he can handle what I tell him.

He nods "but I'm afraid of the answers"

I sit up more against my head board 'and you should be' echoes through my head, but I don't want him to stop asking questions just because the answers are hard to hear "ask, Seung. You know I won't lie to you"

He blinks a couple of times, trying to form his question properly, I guess "In the dream, was your stepfather... was he..." Seunghyun stops, unable to get the words out.

I decide to be candid, no reason to beat around the bush anymore "yes, he was rapping me" I deadpan.

Seunghyun's eyes widen and his breath seems uneven "and I was there?"

"Yes, you were watching" I say once again without emotion. It’s the only way I can answer his questions honestly, is if I distance myself from the pain.  
"What did I say to you?" He asks, starting to get choked up.

"You told me that I was disgusting, and that I was trash who didn't deserve to be loved, then you told me that you don't know why you wasted your time on a toy that was already broken... then you walked away from me, leaving me with my stepfather" I recite the words that are still burned in my memory, and I feel like I will never be able to rid myself of them.

Seunghyun closes his eyes painfully, like he had actually said those things to me while a single tear rolls down his cheek. I reach over and brush it away with my thumb, hating that he feels guilt over things he didn't even do.

"You want to know what the worst part is?" I ask but don't wait for his reply to continue "the worst part was your eyes, they were cold and full of pure hatred. They were completely void of all of the warmth and love they normally hold... seeing you like that, broke me in ways even I didn't know I could be broken in"

Seung opens his eyes and looks at me, staring deep, almost to my soul "I will never look at you like that, Ji. I love you so much, please believe me on this"

I smile and continue to rub my thumb over his cheek, then lips "I know, I see that clearly now. That person in my dream wasn't you. I can see the love in your eyes now, and I see the truth there as well" I lean forward and press my lips to his "I believe you, Seung and I trust you completely"

He breaths out a relived breath and rests his head in my palm, before he looks at me once again "Ji, can I ask one more question?"

I chuckle "of course"

He breaths in a deep breath, seeming to gather his courage and suddenly I'm nervous "who's Seungri?"


	11. Thank you for loving me

~Jiyong~

"Who's Seungri?" Seunghyun questions cautiously.

My body tenses and my chest tightens to the point of almost being painful. I have no idea why, but I never expected this to come up with Seunghyun. I guess in the back of my mind I knew I would have to explain one day. Seungri was too big of a part of my life for it not to come up. Still though, I am shocked to actually hear this question come from his lips.

"H-he... i-i, you see..." I stumble trying to answer the best I can, but the words just won't seem to come out. I've never had to explain this before. Everyone around me already knows who Seungri is, and I’ve never had to talk about it. Even Dr. Park never makes me talk about him, and I’m thankful for it because I understand now… It's a lot harder talking about my brother than I could have ever imagined. "h-he's my brother" I whisper and let my eyes fall to the bed.

"Oh, another sibling? Is he older? Does he go to college like Kyuhyun and that's why I haven't met him?" Seunghyun asks not seeming to grasp my struggle.

I shake my head "no, Seungri isn't... here anymore"

"Here? what do you..." he breaks of mid-sentence, finally grasping what I am trying to tell him. "Oh... I’m sorry, Ji. I didn't know. You've never talked about him before" his face is once again riddled with guilt over something he didn't do.

Suddenly I’m caught up on a feeling of wanting to tell Seunghyun everything, about Seungri, about what it was like growing up together, about how much I love him. I have never once wanted to talk about Seungri, not because I didn't trust anyone enough to talk about it, but because it was too painful to talk about. I have also come to recognize, that my dislike for talking about Seungri is because I have this weird selfish, possessiveness over him. Who he really is, the person that comes out when we were alone. No one knew Seungri like I did, in school he was quiet and reserved, and he kind of faded into the background, refusing to make waves. But when it was just us, on our rooftop hideaway, Seungri was a completely different person. I want to keep that person to myself, hide him away from the rest of the world, keeping him locked inside my heart and head, where no one can touch him, where no one can damage my beautiful innocent boy. But Seunghyun, as always, is different. I want to tell him about Seungri. I want him to know who Seungri really was, and I want him to love him as much as I do.

"Seungri and I grew up together. We were the product of our fathers first marriage, the one before he married Hwa Yun and started another family" I specify.

Seunghyun breaths in finally understanding, and I swear I can almost see the pieces literally clicking together in his head "did he... was he like you?"

I swallow the thickness in my throat that has slowly started to form, and I lick my overly dry lips "yes, he was abused just like me"

He reaches out and places a hand over mine "you don't have to talk about him if it's hard for you"

I feel the corner of my lips twitch "no, I want to tell you, Seung"

Seunghyun squeezes my hand and gives me an encouraging nod "ok, then I’m listening"

I prepare myself, taking in all of the oxygen that I need to clear my head, then clearing my throat of any thickness that had been building up, before i begin "Seungri's a couple of years younger than me, so when we were little, I kind of always took care of him, taking over the role that my mother had failed to fulfill. So, I guess by the time we were teenagers, I kind of forged this parental love for him. For as long as I can remember it was just him and me. We laughed when the other laughed, we cried when the other cried, and we were the only thing that held importance to each other. Seungri knows me better than anyone, and I know him the same. It was an 'us against the world' type of relationship, you know?" Seunghyun smiles and nods telling me that he understands, prompting me to continue. "When my stepfather started beating us at an early age, I always stepped in to take the punishments meant for Seungri until he got older and made me stop. I even took the sexual abuse so Seungri wouldn't have to. I always promised him that I would take care of him, and that I would always protect him... but I guess I failed in that" I stop and look up to find Seunghyun staring at me, listening intently to what I am saying. I know he has a habit of seeing red and tuning out when I start talking about my stepfather and the things he did to us.

I continue, not really talking about anything in particular, just explaining the person he was "Seungri was a bit of a goofball, he would always get these hyper moments where he would run around talking about random things that didn't really make sense to anyone but me. I, of course couldn't let him do this anywhere but the roof, just in case he pissed our stepfather off" I laugh at the memories of Seungri jumping around on the roof talking to me about the random thoughts that always popped into his head.

"The roof?" Seunghyun's asks pulling me away from my memories.

I smile fondly "The roof on top of our old apartment building. It was kind of hard to get to, you had to go through a small wooden door behind the stairs that led to a latter... So our stepfather didn't really know where we went most of the time. It was our special place, a place we went that had almost magical powers. We were happy up there, away from the rest of the world. We would just spend hours talking about the type of life we would have when we finally turned old enough to leave. I told him that the minute I turned eighteen I would take him away from that hell, and that we would finally be free, just him and me together, the way we always wanted it" I felt a wetness on my cheek and am going to reach up to wipe it away but Seunghyun beats me to it.

"You really loved him, didn't you?" he brushes his fingers over my cheek, with a tenderness that makes me want to cry harder.

I nod "he's everything to me. I don't think I could have made it as long as I did in that place if it wasn't for Seungri"

Sunghyun leans forward "even if I didn't know him, I can tell he was a great person... well if you love him this much, he had to have been"

I smile "he is"

"Will you tell me more about him?" Seunghyun asks and climbs on the bed next to me, pulling me into his arms.

"He had the biggest heart, always offering everyone he meets a huge, heartwarming smile. Seungri had a habit of making you feel like the most important person when you talked to him, and his energy and attitude made it physically impossible to hate him. I even think our stepfather hated hurting him sometimes, and even though Seungri would get hit, he still kept an optimistic view of the world. I always admired that, and that's one of the biggest reasons I kept moving forward, because he was the one standing behind me pushing me there."

Seunghyun rubs circles over my back, comforting me "I would have loved to have known him"

I smile "he would have loved you, you two are actually a lot alike"

He chuckles into my hair "I’m going to take that as one of the highest praises from you"

I giggle "you should... Tae reminds me of him to. That childlike innocence and optimism he holds reminds me so much of Seungri"

"Is that why you hooked onto him so fast? Why you take care of him the way you do? Because he reminds you of your brother?" He asks, more pieces clicking together.

I sigh "I think that's what pulled me in, but once I got to know him, I realized I love Tae for several reasons... they actually are quite different once I think about it, but I still love them both"

"Do you love me?" Seunghyun asks in a pouty tone.

I laugh "you know I do"

"Say it" he prods poking my butt playfully.

"Seunghyun" I gasp and hit his arm "bad boy"

He makes another pouting face and leans in close to stare into my eyes "but am I a cute bad boy?"

 

I roll my eyes at his playfulness "of course you're adorable, and it’s sickening"

He snorts "well if you need to throw up, warn me, so I don't have to watch you run out of the room thinking you're about to die again"

I feel my face flush "oh god, that's so embarrassing" I throw my face into my hands and try to bury my head into the pillows.

"Baby, come on, don't be embarrassed... we all puke, not as flawlessly as you do, but we all do" he jokes, attempting to pull me out of my soft cocoon I was now wrapped up in.

"I hate you" I say muffled by the pillows.

Seunghyun chuckles and kisses the top of my head "I love you too"

>>>>>

~Seunghyun~

"Boys" Hwa Yun peeks into the room pulling me out of my half sleep. I glance up and return her loving smile "breakfast is ready, do you want to wake him up or should I?" She motions to Ji, fast asleep in my arms.

I look down and can't help it when my lips spread wider "I got him, we'll be down in a bit"

She nods and gives us one more adoring look before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.  
I lean down and nuzzle my face into Ji's neck, rewarding me with a groggy moan from the younger. I chuckle and place my lips against the sensitive skin, waking up the boy in my arms, further.

"You know, this isn't a half bad way to wake up" He jokes with a sexy raspiness to his voice.

"I can think of better" I say into his neck, sending vibrations to the skin around my lips.

Ji shutters "oh really? what's better?"

"Well if you were out of this thing for one" I pull at the heavy sweater he had thrown back on after his shower.

Without a moment of hesitation, he reaches down and pulls the sweater over his head, throwing it to the edge of the bed "now is it how you envisioned it?"

I stare at Ji's arms, I have never seen him show this much skin before, and his snow white, flawless skin is beautiful. I jump over from his neck and place a kiss of his bicep and he giggles at me, making my body tingle over that sound "actually, you were a bit more undressed than this" I joke, continuing to places kisses down his arms.

His breath hitches, and all the color draining from his face "I can't go further than this Seunghyun, not yet"

I look up at him "i know, and this is more than I would have ever asked for, but you can't blame a guy for having fantasies"

Some bright red graces his ghostly cheeks once again, pulling a sense of relief into me "am I always in your fantasies?"

It’s my turn to feel that heat spread over my face "you are my fantasy, Ji"

The room suddenly becomes thick with sexual tension and withheld desire. Our eyes lock and I know his thoughts are mimicking mine. We want each other in ways we can't really explain, in ways that doesn't really need to be said. Once again, my willpower is being tested and once again I’m tempted to tell my will power to fuck off. I want my Ji so bad. I want him in my arms a trembling, moaning mess. I want to see his cheeks flush in pleasure not embarrassment, and I want to see his eyes etched with lust and satisfaction. This burning need and want worries me though, i wouldn't be able to live with myself if one day I forced Ji into something he wasn't ready for and in turn adding to his emotional scars.

"I should probably leave the room before this goes places we're not ready for" my voice is barely above a whisper but I know he hears me.

"Or you can stay and see how far I can push myself" Ji says, and I look deep into his eyes to see Ji looking back. None of that innocent, needy being that took over my boyfriend before, but Ji, my Ji. I know he means it, but I still can't bring myself to trust his judgment when it comes to us being intimate.

I lean away from him "Ji, don't push it" I warn.

Ji abruptly sits up and climbs onto my lap, with his legs straddling both of mine. His facial features are set in a look of determination and stubbornness making it clear that he isn't going to let this go easily 

"I want to love you completely Seunghyun. I want to give myself over to you completely and the only way we are ever going to get there is if we start working on it"

I blink at him, wide eyed "Ji, I don't want to lose you"

Ji's face softens but still holds resolve "you won't Seunghyun. I promised you that I will always come back to you, no matter what happens I will always find my way home" he places his head on my chest "please, I need to try. I need to know how deep this goes"

I sigh in defeat, knowing I can never refuse him when he talks like this "ok, but if you are uncomfortable even in the slightest, I’m stopping"

He nods and lifts his head smiling smugly "Deal, now kiss me"

I shake my head at him amusingly, but oblige his request, he doesn't need to tell me twice. I take his head in my hands and pull him to my lips, mine immediately fitting to his like they were specially made for him. His lips are always so soft, and slightly plump due to him always biting them. His lips drive me insane. I just want more with every taste, and we can never be close enough to each other. His lips part without having to ask, and invites me inside. My tongue dives in, greedy and relentless. He moans into the kiss and my heart rate picks up, leaving me panting and pulling away gasping for air.

"See i can handle that, kissing isn't a problem" he breaths. "I think I’m ready for more"

I gasp, suddenly getting an idea "Ji, lay down"

His eyes bulge "I’m not that ready, Seung"

I laugh, realizing where I went wrong "no, don't worry, it's not like that... we are going to do a beta test"  
He raises his eyebrows and gives me that 'really' look that only Ji can give me, without getting hit.

"Just do it" I say and push him lightly with my hand on his arm.

"Nerd" Ji rolls his eyes but does as I want, positioning himself on his back against the bed. "what now?"

"Now, we see exactly where we need to work on" I reach down and place my hands on his arms "arms seem fine" I slide my hands down to his wrists then back up to his shoulders, then I slowly start to inch my way around the curve of his shoulder and he pulls away from my right hand, then gives me a look of apology "ok, left shoulder is a no go, something to work on" I remark and skip over his left shoulder moving up his neck to his cheeks. I smile and lean down to peck him on the lips, making amusement dance in his eyes, before I start to move down once again. My hands slid slowly over his collar bone and down his chest, he trembles slightly but doesn't move. Once I reach his abdomen, he tenses up and closes his eyes. He wants to do this for me, I know he does, but I hate the idea of causing him distress. "So, the abdomen and rib area is another progress zone" I remark and lift my hands, skipping down to below his belly button.

I rub my hands across his lower abdomen, reaching the area where his thighs and hips meet. I love the way his body dips here, making his hips stick out slightly. "so sexy, I like this spot" I say admiring the way my hands fit perfectly in the creases.  
I start to massage the area, a little lost in my new found obsession, but I am brought out quickly by Ji's soft moan ringing in my ears. I stop and glance up at him nervously, to see his head thrown back and his lip captured between his teeth. My jaw drops at the sight, of how good Ji looks like this. A slight blush over his cheeks, his eyes closed tight, and his eyebrows furrowed. "J-Ji" I stutter and swallow hard.

His eyes pop open and he looks down at me with dilated pupils, his breath coming out in hot pants. I continue to stare into his eyes, and slowly start to move my hands over to the slowly growing bulge in his pants. I began to palm him through his pants, and he groans, biting his lip harder. He doesn't push me away, nor does he seem uncomfortable with me touching him here, so I decide to see exactly how hard I can push him.

I move my body so I’m hovering over him and place one hand on his cheek "Ji, you're going to make your lip bleed like that" I pull at his chin to get him to release the abused flesh, and a loud moan flows out of his mouth. I snort. 'ah, that's why' I stare down at him, then bend to press my lips to his, while I continue to rub his clothed member, catching any of the noises escaping. "You don't seem to have problem with me touching you here"

Ji inhales shakily "he never touched me here"

"Do you like me touching you here?" I whisper huskily into his ear, making his body shutter.

"Yes" he gasps "don't stop"

I start to nuzzle his neck, kissing, nipping, and sucking at the sensitive skin. He starts to move his hips around, creating more friction, while the noises leaving his mouth intensifies. His breathing starts to quicken and his body is trembling signaling his oncoming release, and I speed up my movements, causing his back to arch off the bed.

Suddenly the door opens "Hey guys, mom sai... whoa" Minho enters the room and quickly turns around "s-sorry... i was jus... breakfast is ready" he shouts a little too loud and quickly leaves, slamming the door.

Ji looks up at me, blinking rapidly, seeming to have just woken up from a spell "um... maybe we should..."

I blush and clear my throat "I think we got carried away"

He giggles lightly, but it soon turns into full laughter and I can't help but join him, and before I know it we are laying down on the bed next to each other, rolling with laughter.

"That'll teach him to knock next time" Ji says after we calm down.

I take in large breath "you ok?"

He turns his head to look at me "actually, yeah I’m good. A little frustrated, but good"

I smile, trying not to laugh at his 'frustrated' comment "I didn't get to finish my beta test" I throw him my best pout face and he rolls his eyes.

"Don't worry, we can finish later" he giggles then jumps up, shifting slightly as if uncomfortable.

"You sure you're ok?" i ask watching him pad across the room awkwardly.

"Yeah, I’m just not use to this feeling" he says.

"What? Being touched that much?" I ask, slightly confused.

"No... being... aroused" he answers, turning to me and placing his hands in front of his crotch, and his cheeks turn a cute shade of red once more.

I raise an eyebrow "you've never had a hard on before?"

He shakes his head "i stay away from sexual type situations or fantasies. I’ve never even been attracted to anyone but you before"

"What about when you were younger? didn't you ever... masturbate?" I question, cringing at that word.

He shakes his head "there was other things to fill my time with, and I was more concerned over taking care of Seungri... Dr. Park says that it's normal for abuse cases to separate themselves from intimacy"

"But now I'm kind of forcing you into those situations" I feel terrible, Ji has been through some traumatic events, and I just keep going after him like a horny teenager. 'What's wrong with you Seunghyun?'

"Don't do that. You're not forcing me, Seunghyun. I wanted it, I still do... but I don't want to get caught again... that was embarrassing" he turns a darker red and glances away.

Shock seizes me, he wants to continue? And the only reason he stopped was because he didn't want to get caught? I'm amazed. I never expected Ji to feel this way so quickly. Before I can understand what's happening, I get off the bed and walk over to him grabbing his wrist, then pull him across the room into his bathroom. 

I lock the bathroom door and turn to him "grip the counter" I command. He gives me a startled look and I almost laugh "I don't want you falling down. Orgasms can get intense, so please grip the counter"

His eyes bulge "o-orgasm"

I sigh "I can't have you hard all the way through breakfast" I grab his arms and force his hands onto the edge of the counter, so he's facing the large mirror in his bathroom. He grasps the counter lightly and his breathing accelerates. "we don't have a lot of time, so this will be quick" he bites his lip and looks down at the counter, when I finally notice for the first time how much makeup he has "Ji, seriously I think you have more makeup than most female idols"

He rolls his eyes "Seung, please" he whines in a needy tone.

I chuckle "sorry, baby. I’ll make it better" my hands once again find my new favorite spot in his hip creases, before the tips of my fingers slid into the waist band of his jeans.

"Wait, you're going in?" he asks in surprise, jerking his hips back against me.

I snort "well palming you through your pants will take too long standing, and i don't think you're ready for me to pull your pants down and go down on you"

He swallows hard, taking in all of the information I’m throwing at him "I’m nervous, what if it's too much? You're actually touching me, skin to skin"

I look at his wide eyes in the mirror "then tell me to stop. Beta test, remember? Trust me, Ji"

His face sobers up and the look of resolve reappears "I trust you"

That's all I need, and I slowly descend my hand further into his pants and underwear till I reach his sex. Ji grasps onto the counter harder and groans, while I wrap my hand around him. I stand there for a few minutes, letting him get use to the feeling of me touching him, until he starts to move against me, telling me to start moving my hand up and down his length, which awards me with a high pitched whine from the boy in front of me. He shakes slightly and seems to tense up, before closing his eyes tightly.

I pause my hand "Ji, baby, look at me. Keep eye contact or I’ll stop"

He whines but opens his eyes, to reveal blown pupils and a needy fear in them. But Ji is still my Ji, so I continue stroking him, watching him, staring deep into his eyes. This creates a deeper connection between us, and I almost swear I feel his pleasure along with him.

"Oh god, that feels so good. Faster Seung" Ji moans out, making my own member twitch in my pants. I have wanted to see Ji like this since the minute I met him. He is a mess shrouded in pleasure and I love it.

I comply with his needs and Ji arches his back, throwing his head against my shoulder, as I pump him harder. Ji begins to tremble and breath harder, giving me the warning that he's close.

Ji whimpers, his hands letting go of the counter and grasping onto my arms tightly "Seung"

"It's ok, baby. Let it come" I calm him, rubbing circles over his hip crease with my palm that isn't busy to ease some of the intensity.

Ji's body tenses and he arches back more. He calls out loudly, bucking his hips forward erratically, before I feel a wet, hot substance spill over my hand. I continue to pump, helping him ride it out. Ji's legs start to wobble and I wrap my free arm around his waist to hold him up.

"That was..." Ji says dreamily, his eyelids heavy, coming down from the high.

I laugh, pleased by his expression "i know, baby. I know" I place a soft kiss on his temple and shift him forward "now we have to clean up" i pull my hand out of his pants and he turns on the faucet letting me rinse it off.

"I should probably change" Ji says still seeming in a daze.

"Ji baby, do you need help? Are you alright?" I ask, concerned by how out of it he seems.

He looks up at me and there is a light in his eyes I’ve never seen before "I’m good, Seunghyun. Actually, I’m amazing... I never knew it could feel like that"

I laugh, and wrap my arms around his waist, then set my chin of his shoulder "Ji, that wasn't even touching the surface at how good I can make you feel"

Ji's eyes light up "i want it"

I shake my head "you're not ready baby, we'll get there"

"But I am ready" He pouts.

I chuckle at his cuteness, and lift my head "I’ll make you a deal, when I can touch your thighs without you tensing in the slightest, then I’ll believe you about being ready"

Ji shifts, then looks up into the mirror connecting our gazes "ok, touch me"

"Ji" I sigh

"Please Seunghyun, just try"

I blink, knowing I need to be straight with him, but don't want to scare him "your bare thighs Ji, nothing in the way, just me and you, skin on skin as you put it earlier" I whisper lowly in his ear.

His lip trembles and an involuntary "no" slips out of his mouth.

I sigh, hating to see that panic in his eyes "that's what i thought. Now, change and I’ll meet you downstairs"

"Wait" Ji exclaims stopping me and I hold my breath pleading with him not to try. I know he can't handle this yet "will you still touch me...like you just did without being able to touch me... there?" 

I chuckle "of course baby, we just won't move on to the main stuff until I know you're ready, ok? And trust me, now that I know I can touch you, I will take every opportunity I can to do so"

He nods and looks down at the floor "are you going to leave now?" He questions, biting at his bottom lip.

He looks back up, when I don't answer immediately and I notice a certain level of fear and need resting in his eyes, and I realize instantly that I have made a mistake.

 

I smile and step forward, pulling him into my arms, cursing myself for forgetting about what Ji needs right now. He needs attention, he needs to be shown that love he never got when he was younger, he needs to be reassured of my love for him and I am happy to give it to him.

Ji nearly collapses into my arms and sighs contently and I know I'm right. He's never had this type of love with anyone and he doesn't really know how to ask for it, or that this is what he really wants "I need you to make me a promise" I say, needing him to understand that it's ok to want this.

"Anything" he promises.

"When you need love from me, or affection, you need to tell me... I know it's not something your use to feeling or wanting, but if you want it, ask for it... promise me you won't hesitate to tell me when you need this" I say hugging him tighter.

He nods against my chest "I promise"

"Good, now clean up, and I'll meet you downstairs" I place a kiss on his forehead and unlock the bathroom door.

"Seung?" Ji asks in a small voice.

"Yes baby?" I turn to him, finding nothing but love and happiness in his eyes.

"Thank you, for loving me"

I smile, feeling slightly shy all of a sudden "Thank you for letting me"

>>>>>

I nearly skip into the kitchen and stop when I find Hwa Yun setting breakfast on the table, with the rest of Ji's family surrounding it "there you are, where's Ji?"  
I smirk briefly and luckily she doesn't catch it "he's changing"

Hwa Yun looks around nervously "I heard him screaming last night, did he have another nightmare?"

I nod, pushing the memories of last night out of my head, and sit down at the table, in the chair that has become mine "yeah. It made him physically sick, that's how bad it was"

She closes her eyes as if disturbed by this information "I thought they had stopped. He hasn't had many since you two started dating... has anything happened lately that upset him?"

I shift, unsure if I should tell her about the letter Ji had gotten the other night and how he reacted to it. "Um not really, maybe he's just stressed about school or something... you know how he can be"

She nods but doesn't seem convinced "I just wish I knew where his head was"

I try to think of something I could give her that might help, and come to a conclusion that might work "Well I think he might be thinking of his brother more lately, maybe that's causing it... oh, which reminds me, why does he still talk about Seungri in the present tense?" I ask, focusing on placing my napkin on my lap.

Silence fills the room and I look up to find the shocked faces of Ji's family staring at me "what?" I start probing around my face to see if anything is there.

"He talked to you about Seungri?" Hyun Suk asks me in a disbelieving tone.

I lift an eyebrow "yeah, we sat there for a couple hours this morning after he had that nightmare talking about him, he really seemed to love him"

Hwa Yun glances at her husband and breaths out a short laugh, while he just smiles and shakes his head "Ji's never talked about his brother before... with anyone"

The weight of his words crashes into me "ever?"

"Never ever, he's just refused to talk about him, he won't even talk about what happened the night Seungri died. The case is basically still open because Ji won't tell anyone how Seungri died or anything else that went down" Hyun Suk says and my jaw drops. "and Ji talks about him in present tense because he hasn't fully excepted his death. He's aware of it, but hasn't allowed himself to face it yet"

I blink a couple times taking in this new information "why?"

"Dr. Park thinks it's due to his survival mode kicking in. Since he can remember, Ji leaned on Seungri for a source of happiness, and Ji thinks that if he excepts his brother’s death and lets him go then he will lose everything, he'll crumble" Hwa Yun states sadly "he's afraid of being alone, even though he's the one who pushes everyone away, Ji's terrified that if he lets go of Seungri, he'll have no one"

My vision blurs momentarily and I look away, blinking the tears away "he's not alone anymore. I won't ever leave him"

"We know, and we couldn't be happier over what you've done for our son. Ji is so happy now, and for the longest time we thought he would never be able to live a normal, happy life but now we have so much hope for him, for the both of you" Hwa Yun leans over and pats my arm "thank you for loving him, Seung. You've saved him in ways even we can't fully grasp yet"

I smile and look back at her, with as much love as she's giving me.

"god, can't I walk into a room just once, without everyone looking like they are about to cry" I roll my eyes at the voice that can only belong to my boyfriend, when he comes into view and sits down next to me.

"Another shower?" I ask noticing his wet hair, hanging loosely to his shoulders.

He smirks and takes a sip of orange juice "we made more of a mess than I thought" he admits low enough that only I and Minho, who was sitting next to him can hear.

Minho turns bright red and drops his head, staring at the table. Ji chuckles and I shake my head at him.

"I think you broke your brother" I observe.

Ji giggles and pops a piece of fruit into his mouth "he'll be fine, he will understand one day... which reminds me, how did it go with the best friend?"

Minho's head shoots up and he looks at his brother with wide eyes before fixing me with an accusing stare. "Did you tell him?"

"Yah, don't look at him like that, I was in the room too, I overheard. You don't exactly know how to speak in a low register" my boyfriend snaps.

Minho sighs "sorry, I'm just a little on edge I guess" he scratches the back of his neck anxiously.

"What happened?" I question, concerned for the younger boy, who is quickly becoming a brother to me.

"Well, I kind of... confessed, but he didn't really say anything... he just said he needed time to think" Minho's hand twitched slightly making it apparent just how stressed he is.

"That's not exactly a bad thing. Maybe he's just trying to collect himself, like he said, thinking things through, weighing the situation" I offer.

Minho nods but doesn't look any more convinced, but that changes when Ji steps it with advice of his own.

"Allowing someone to love you, that way, takes a lot of trust, and it's scary. I'm sure he's worried about hurting your friendship, you two have been friends since you were little kids and taking your friendship into the relationship zone could potentially ruin what you two have as best friends." Ji takes a sip of juice before continuing "and I'm sure he's had those thoughts about you before, but has never invested time into anything serious like you have. Give him some time to think things through. There's a lot to think about when it comes to loving someone" he finishes and looks up giving a supportive smile to his brother.

"You really think he's just thinking it through?" Minho asks like he's grasping at anything he can, to stay afloat.

Ji nods "just do yourself a favor though, send him a message, tell him that no matter what happens, you'll love him either way. Take a bit of the pressure off"

The sides of Minho's mouth pick up slightly and he pulls out his phone "ok, I'll do that"

"After breakfast" Hyun Suk scolds, making me realize that the whole table has been zeroed in on our conversation.

"Since when did you become an expert in love?" Minji asks Ji.

Ji snorts "I've been hearing this shit from Dr. Park for years. I figured it might as well help someone" then he reaches over and grabs my hand "and I’m starting to figure some of this out on my own"

I smile and wink at him forcing a giggle from his lips, while his family continues to focus their attention on us "Hey, we are not zoo animals. Quit gawking" Ji finally snaps, refusing to break eye contact with me.

I notice the exchanged smiles of his parents and the chuckles of his siblings, but my attention is focused on the honey brown color of his eyes and the light that seems to sparkle in them. I realize in this moment that he's really in love with me, he may not be able to say it yet, but his eyes tell me the truth. We were in love with each other and that was all that mattered, because we have each other and we would make it through anything. Ji leans over placing a kiss on my lips, then turns back to his plate and continues to eat his breakfast, never once letting go of my hand.


End file.
